tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5718063416830176756..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #5Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9203514807671660602013-03-29T14:46:21.658-04:002013-03-29T14:46:21.658-04:00There's clearly a cool premise here, and I'...There's clearly a cool premise here, and I'm a huge science-fiction fan. But I think the way this opening shifts between registers is problematic. The descriptions, like paragraph 2, are very complex and fantastical, and I want to slip deeper into their sophistication. But the sections with Brian and his reactions feel much more prosaic. Somehow it feels like the narrative voice here hasn't settled into a single style, and smoothing that out would make this a stronger opening.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18961304259706313742013-03-29T12:13:34.575-04:002013-03-29T12:13:34.575-04:00Yes, great descriptions - very vivid. I could see ...Yes, great descriptions - very vivid. I could see exactly what was going on. I did like the bit of explanation - not too much, not too little. Left me with questions I wanted to discover the answers to. The only element I would try to add is some conflict. What does he want out of this scene? To return home? To land? And the last lines - excellent! Good job overall. Best of luck :)Shiela Calderón Blankemeierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05164253791139502033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39266405504510096972013-03-28T17:41:22.503-04:002013-03-28T17:41:22.503-04:00I agree with the other comments. The premise is gr...I agree with the other comments. The premise is great, but the first page has too much explanation. A bit to passive for me.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19868087811577715412013-03-28T11:21:49.613-04:002013-03-28T11:21:49.613-04:00Although the concept is intriguing,and the descrip...Although the concept is intriguing,and the description detailed and vivid, I'm finding myself wanting more character and less explanation at this early point. (But my bias is always character over everything else) The second paragraph took me some work to get through. I liked your last paragraph the best and wonder if you should start with that, then work in the background information more organically. AnnetteGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64444054312280332932013-03-27T12:38:14.582-04:002013-03-27T12:38:14.582-04:00Jon has some great points. I would add that I woul...Jon has some great points. I would add that I would sort of like to know a little bit more about what's going on. I get that we have a lone guy in a space craft, and his destination is apparently not mars. Of course, how much you talk about mars, we know where it's going, but we don't know what his original plan is. <br /><br />Why is he hanging out in his little tin can in space? It would have to be really important to send him all by his lonesome, so I would feel more grounded if I knew what he was on his way to do (even if there's going to be a dramatic change of events). <br /><br />And like Jon, I also love those last few lines. I would definitely keep reading. Renahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02767762370997304308noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16549534003559410822013-03-27T11:35:27.526-04:002013-03-27T11:35:27.526-04:00I love me some space science fiction! I think it&#...I love me some space science fiction! I think it's really great you give us some exposition right off the bat - who likes being confused? - but the exposition seems a little sterile to me. Like Brian is reading it out of a textbook. But I don't want you to give us Brian's emotion connection to the Righteous/devastation of the Tumult/Maja Arkanis either, at least, not yet.<br /><br />With speculative fiction, I find readers tend to tolerate being confused a little better because they're used to immersing themselves in entirely new worlds. Takes time to learn all the new lingo and history, you know? So maybe think about moving that block of exposition to a little later? Perhaps focus on setting/character at the very beginning, making us feel your new world first, and then explaining it to us when the time is right.<br /><br />Great start, though! I would definitely continue reading :)<br /><br />P.S. Love the last couple lines.Jonathan Garghttps://twitter.com/jonathangargnoreply@blogger.com