tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5752668557461232773..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #14Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72471072964541975522013-05-20T16:16:43.735-04:002013-05-20T16:16:43.735-04:00This is a very intriguing opening, made more so be...This is a very intriguing opening, made more so because I initially interpreted your opening line as that of a YA contemporary story (so-and-so is no longer a girl, and now everything will be different). This was a very clever turn on the phrase.<br /><br />You could do with a little tightening and reining in of flowery description. Use lavish similes sparingly (e.g., "like my lungs had been lassoed with chains") and flowery adjectives (e.g., "sapphire sky").<br /><br />Nitpicking note: If they all know the transformation is upon them, why did our MC wait until the last minute to set up the crucial pillows? Seems like unnecessary mini-drama. Your opening is intriguing enough without it!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85111161623707455052013-05-19T10:17:49.001-04:002013-05-19T10:17:49.001-04:00This is fascinating set-up. Your MC is going to tu...This is fascinating set-up. Your MC is going to turn into a bird? Wow!<br /><br />This could do for some polishing, but that's my only real complaint. Example: "It was the <b>first</b> day of summer. Nelson would be the <b>first</b>..." Misplaced comma: "I pushed the coffee table against the wall<b>,</b> and shoved the couch back."Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15545937353290259259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41098695491955523842013-05-17T20:19:24.580-04:002013-05-17T20:19:24.580-04:00Very interesting premise with people (I’m assuming...Very interesting premise with people (I’m assuming) being able to fly! The first two lines are telling, though. Maybe I’m slow b/c I don’t read much sci-fi but I have a lot of questions. <br /><br />Has she observed others do this, and that’s how she knows it hurts? Does it hurt only during the transformation? Is there a joy to flying that balances out the pain? I’m guessing they transform on the first day of summer but at some point transform back? How do they get through the skylight? (Maybe mention the mechanism for opening it.) What makes the sapphire sky glow? (Stars? Is it just after midnight—the official start of a day?) Why is she by herself—where are the others? Why is she in charge of Nelson’s “padding”? Why must there be padding if they’re going to fly? (I could understand the need for padding, if they’re going to land.)<br /><br />Could be tightened. I looked up at the skylight. Delete “in the ceiling”. I rubbed at my temples (Delete “at.”) Delete “of us” in “first of us”. “I turned at the sound of footsteps” instead of “made me turn my head.”MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65743162330670246012013-05-17T18:51:37.131-04:002013-05-17T18:51:37.131-04:00Awesome starting point. I would definitely read on...Awesome starting point. I would definitely read on.GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44761319081451716162013-05-16T13:59:45.208-04:002013-05-16T13:59:45.208-04:00I definitely want to see this change, and I'm ...I definitely want to see this change, and I'm intrigued by your set up here! Coming of age stories with a twist like this are so fascinating. I think you can make this even stronger though.<br /><br />I would leave "I was sixteen" out of the beginning, and just say it was her first summer to change. You can get "I was sixteen" in later, "I was the youngest, at sixteen, so I would be the last." I just think that will give you the most compelling first sentence. <br /><br />Lungs lassoed with chains? That seems very heavy for a lightening moment...If that's a contrast in this transformation, that could be interesting. <br /><br />Sapphire sky? Sapphire is an alert for me as it's often used in cliche ways even though it is such a lovely word. <br /><br />I don't quite get the urgency and panic about a pillow. It's just a pillow. Will he die if he doesn't have it? If it's that important, why is she just checking it now? I think if you tell us more about why he needed it, this will be better. <br /><br />It will be interesting to see whose footsteps are there. Someone coming with a pillow?! Or...as I suspect, something more ominous. <br /><br />I'd read on!Tracy Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07499597179225828986noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46333379208183042862013-05-16T13:58:46.927-04:002013-05-16T13:58:46.927-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Tracy Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07499597179225828986noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3768877849239483562013-05-16T01:23:13.793-04:002013-05-16T01:23:13.793-04:00I am intrigued also. I would like to read more.I am intrigued also. I would like to read more.Ricknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64183343334593695892013-05-15T11:18:04.216-04:002013-05-15T11:18:04.216-04:00Oo! Definitely intrigued! I wonder what they turn ...Oo! Definitely intrigued! I wonder what they turn into. I also like the description in the second paragraph of how the change will feel. Good luck!Addiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15392217596841402265noreply@blogger.com