tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5755687430872276818..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #26Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2472348765216395842015-05-22T08:01:56.063-04:002015-05-22T08:01:56.063-04:00Thank you all for your great comments! I went to b...Thank you all for your great comments! I went to bed revising in my mind :)Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10592243955427175198noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44368444740406699852015-05-21T19:00:29.886-04:002015-05-21T19:00:29.886-04:00I like an inventor as a protagonist -- fun!
I'...I like an inventor as a protagonist -- fun!<br /><br />I'm concerned, though, that Riley isn't coming across as likable. He seems stand-offish to me. Is that your intention? If not, can you make his plight more sympathetic?<br /><br />In looking back at the opening, I wonder if the following will help. Not only will it pare back on your telling (all of this information you can show later), but it also makes Riley more likable, at least to me:<br /><br />Rule number one in the Riley P. Cooper Scientist Handbook: inventors work alone<br /><br />And I can't break my own rule. Which was why, when I saw the brown box by my front door, I needed an excuse to get out of our regular after school snack and homework session on Angus’ driveway. Without making them curious, of course.<br /> Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29922217677852175572015-05-21T09:13:02.117-04:002015-05-21T09:13:02.117-04:00A middle grade inventor...awesome! That pulls me r...A middle grade inventor...awesome! That pulls me right in. In fact, when he says his inventions are "mind-blowing" I'd love a couple examples right up front, even before we get to his friend's comment at the end of the page. <br /><br />Best of luck with querying the story!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13896416602520194004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34601190524840669882015-05-21T09:09:13.182-04:002015-05-21T09:09:13.182-04:00Love the premise here and you've revved up our...Love the premise here and you've revved up our anticipation about what quirky invention Riley is working on. S.D. has some good suggestions about combining paragraph 1 & 2. My only suggestion is that the reader is going to be really excited to know what's in the box and what Riley is making, so give us an internal thought after “Nothing, just playing around with stuff.” (maybe a clue or maybe something that makes us even more excited!) Great middle-grade voice, and I can tell that his friends are going to be interesting characters. Nice work and good luck!Tera Hertzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01732290405573279064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59352800814215692612015-05-20T17:12:34.300-04:002015-05-20T17:12:34.300-04:00I like the voice, I like him declaring that scient...I like the voice, I like him declaring that scientists work alone--especially if this is an ongoing problem and he is never actually alone. Fart gun, brilliant.Julie Butcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15055134290787317245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85845411808840934152015-05-20T15:06:23.908-04:002015-05-20T15:06:23.908-04:00I like the first sentence and the voice -- they de...I like the first sentence and the voice -- they definitely draw me in. I might switch the whole thing to first person, though, just to make it more immediate.JOPhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05338686272937538246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88964085212623765412015-05-20T15:03:57.893-04:002015-05-20T15:03:57.893-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.JOPhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05338686272937538246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18731116087247094452015-05-20T10:22:25.641-04:002015-05-20T10:22:25.641-04:00The sentence "like a line from a magician'...The sentence "like a line from a magician's code book" doesn't really fit here. You may want to combine the second and third paragraphs: Did that sound snobby? I have never sold my inventions, but Angus would be dragging me to the bank if he knew what I just made. Mel would be lecturing me on the legality of it.S.D.Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05707682524268581476noreply@blogger.com