tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post5993747411926684746..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #19Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24697640445339496972013-01-29T16:58:51.123-05:002013-01-29T16:58:51.123-05:00Thanks, everyone, your comments were really helpfu...Thanks, everyone, your comments were really helpful. K Callardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5672498266789213822013-01-29T00:22:25.977-05:002013-01-29T00:22:25.977-05:00First off, just want to say I love the idea of a &...First off, just want to say I love the idea of a "soul repo man." :-)<br /><br />I found this one hard to critique b/c I didn't get a good grasp of what was going on. Obviously it's out of context, but it's also not very visual.<br /><br />One thing I did notice is an overuse of the word "just" in the dialogue.<br /><br />This is a nitpicky thing - I'm not sure why you have a "..." in this sentence: "you ruined my chance to...run my rich master's errands." There's no need for a pause there. I've gotten in the habit of taking all the "..." out of my dialogue and if the character really needs to pause, I interrupt the sentence with something - a gesture perhaps.<br /><br />I agree with CherylAnne's suggestions. Tightening up some awkward phrasing (especially the "Yeah, but I could've told them just who to go after" line) would be good as well.<br /><br />danikahttp://www.danikadinsmore.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22683892371663012862013-01-28T23:35:53.576-05:002013-01-28T23:35:53.576-05:00I know this is just a snippet, but is Zane sweaty ...I know this is just a snippet, but is Zane sweaty after his scare? Is he hot or cold? Does he notice the lack of any of these in Meescha, who's playing things cool? If you mentioned these right before this scene, that would make sense, but after a scare or a chase, people should at least breathe hard.Mark Muratahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03562597698193306363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3531407820152512022013-01-28T20:34:45.509-05:002013-01-28T20:34:45.509-05:00You had me at "soul repo man" :D I real...You had me at "soul repo man" :D I really enjoyed the back and forth between these two. It has a fun feel to it.<br /><br />Consider cutting "I think" from the first para. Because she's saying it, it's already clear she thinks he owes her a thank you.<br /><br />In the 2nd para "Zane looked down at her in disbelief." Consider moving this behind "For what?" IMHO, Zane's tone is what makes it clear she that knows the look he's giving her is in a fact disbelief as opposed to anger or something else. <br /><br />I also agree with Rebecca's comment regarding "Why did this girl get him so messed up?" Maybe italicize and make this a direct thought, something like: This girl really messes with my head.<br /><br />3rd para, 1st sent. Consider cutting "Yeah, but' and "just"<br /><br />CherylAnne Hamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02324135447961686703noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51575853353642077182013-01-28T18:03:08.457-05:002013-01-28T18:03:08.457-05:00I like the overall concept here. I'm assuming ...I like the overall concept here. I'm assuming that "shadows" are souls?<br /><br />I liked the back and forth element and it was easy to follow who was speaking even though the tags were kept at a minimum.<br /><br />The one part that keeps snagging my attention as being awkward is the section after Zane's first lines. Particularly <i>Why did this girl get him so messed up?</i><br /><br />There's just something about it that doesn't flow quite right.<br /><br />I would also get rid of one or both of the "just"s - Having them so close together makes them stand out more, but I definitely think the first one in Zane's line <i>What, did you just want to see...</i> doesn't work well.<br /><br />I like the voice of the characters and the overall scene plays well.Rebecca T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11994380364321336824noreply@blogger.com