tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6019945211815755963..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #32Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85471573915450508152012-09-09T20:17:06.758-04:002012-09-09T20:17:06.758-04:00Thanks SA.
I guess I'm now left wondering if y...Thanks SA.<br />I guess I'm now left wondering if your surprise is a good thing, or bad. Mia K Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559392161390047500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35273639612484785822012-09-09T19:53:23.880-04:002012-09-09T19:53:23.880-04:00I thought the last line of the 3rd paragraph shoul...I thought the last line of the 3rd paragraph should be separated out into its own paragraph. Doesn't belong with the clinical recitation of her condition and the situation.<br /><br />In the fifth paragraph, I found it surprising that she'd been standing against the wall so long that it left patterns into her skin. And I found it surprising that she'd move towards the thing that's giving her goosebumps. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75436005205193896642012-09-07T15:52:51.470-04:002012-09-07T15:52:51.470-04:00I like the possiblity of this book. I think there ...I like the possiblity of this book. I think there are a lot of interesting things going, eg. The cause of the mother's death, the mutation, the shadows. <br />One thing, that stood out to me that others may not have a problem with is the "my eyebrows furrowed." <br />I think that statement sounds forced. I don't know if a person would even realize their eyebrows were furrowing unless someone else pointed it out. <br /><br />I think with some minor adjustments this can be a strong story.<br />I would keep reading. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20768707610812820032012-09-06T21:09:37.073-04:002012-09-06T21:09:37.073-04:00The first two paragraphs really hooked me.
I was ...The first two paragraphs really hooked me.<br /><br />I was intrigued by the mutation reference. In that third paragraph, I believe the line should read "...science experiment or get thrown in jail." It read a little awkwardly.<br /><br />The last sentence in the third paragraph was too abrupt and doens't have anything to do with the other part of that paragraph.<br /><br />I didn't like the shadows part at all. It seemed a little expected and cliche as compared to your wonderful opening. Maybe I didn't like it because it was not clearly described. It seemed vague and I know it's probably because you don't want your character to know what it is yet but perhaps you could build suspense as your characters sees something distinct across the street but doesn't know what it is. Does that make sense?<br /><br />I would probably keep reading just because hte premise and first few lines are so good.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01978474302944767837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69999979294045895152012-09-06T15:11:15.845-04:002012-09-06T15:11:15.845-04:00I like this a lot. I didn't have a problem wit...I like this a lot. I didn't have a problem with it going too fast. I'm sure we'll get to here more about her mother soon and the emotion and guilt associated with that. But the concept and the voice really caught my attention. Definitely hooked.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54051080288960496772012-09-06T08:59:50.708-04:002012-09-06T08:59:50.708-04:00The first line hooked me in, so did your second an...The first line hooked me in, so did your second and third parag. The intro of the shadows left me wondering why your MC would go see what it was, instead of back away. But the premise kept me reading and I'd want to know where this was going.<br />Good job!ChrisBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12360099972115979552012-09-05T23:35:23.059-04:002012-09-05T23:35:23.059-04:00My first thought after reading the first two parag...My first thought after reading the first two paragraphs was that I've read this before. It threw me for a loop there for a second, but then I realized where I've read it before. :) <br /><br />I agree that slowing it down would be good, but I liked it a lot. Great job.The Author of Desideriumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18345879806087106132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84431836702477431712012-09-05T20:25:35.827-04:002012-09-05T20:25:35.827-04:00Very intriguing. The first line caught my attentio...Very intriguing. The first line caught my attention. I think you should slow things down just a bit. There's a lot going on, and you rushed through things a little too fast. Slow it down, and you'll have an excellent start.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58433703795813676452012-09-05T20:00:03.477-04:002012-09-05T20:00:03.477-04:00Ew! I love the scariness of this one. the darker s...Ew! I love the scariness of this one. the darker shadows and how the figure swayed. Scary! :o) <3LTMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05239077455322030275noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71650249802509542882012-09-05T14:26:35.459-04:002012-09-05T14:26:35.459-04:00I agree with Janice; if your MC just caused her mo...I agree with Janice; if your MC just caused her mother's death she should feel SOMETHING. And as good as your first few lines are, they seem tacked on just to grab interest; they don't have anything to do with the shadows that show up in paragraph 4. It's too abrupt a change.Emnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67529301897036920732012-09-05T12:18:09.193-04:002012-09-05T12:18:09.193-04:00There is a lot going on here. Her mother's de...There is a lot going on here. Her mother's death, genetic mutations, creeping shadows, lawyers. They're all scary, but it's too much to take in all at once. <br /><br />What I'm not getting is emotion. Shouldn't she feel bad? <br /><br />Maybe you could have her go inside the lawyer's office and have the lawyer and her grandmother discuss the death. This would give you the chance to show some emotion and introduce her genetic mutation without an info dump. Then introduce the shadows when they leave the office. <br /><br />You've got some nice things going on here. I like your description of the shadows. I would read on, but I don't think it's quite ready yet.Janice Sperryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00178805752960449557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74808497834442114472012-09-05T12:10:09.684-04:002012-09-05T12:10:09.684-04:00Wow. I was hooked in that first line. Very nice!
O...Wow. I was hooked in that first line. Very nice!<br />One thing that could make this even better is the transition between paragraphs, especially the third and fourth. It feels a little awkward to me. Wendy Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10326816435723118863noreply@blogger.com