tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6046510987551141682..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle: Death #20Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13236469608322770582010-06-11T18:50:57.348-04:002010-06-11T18:50:57.348-04:00Enjoyed this a lot. Nicely written except I agre...Enjoyed this a lot. Nicely written except I agree it's a little choppy. Your imagery is very good with the baby. It all comes through well.Patrickhttp://www.patrickvasarhelyi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60653591214313134302010-06-10T09:03:08.465-04:002010-06-10T09:03:08.465-04:00I agree with what Bethany said about pronunciation...I agree with what Bethany said about pronunciation. I also agree that you might want to vary sentence length once in a while - and paragraph length.<br /><br />I like how you say the births aren't as difficult as humans' ... and then she dies. Sadly ironic.<br /><br />I can't explain why, but this doesn't 'feel' like YA to me.Sarah N Fiskhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15336889385096937607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74096222083070745422010-06-09T18:08:43.358-04:002010-06-09T18:08:43.358-04:00The child is small and delicate, encased in a pear...The child is small and delicate, encased in a pearlescent membrane that seems impermeable.<br /><br /><br />NICEHenyahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14218132405687448085noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15919943134881999522010-06-09T16:34:45.367-04:002010-06-09T16:34:45.367-04:00Very dramatic, I like the choppy structure after t...Very dramatic, I like the choppy structure after the death. Before the death, the one-sentence paragraphs are a little much. <br />Also, this is really a matter of opinion and has nothing to do with the scene, but you want to be careful with names like Shuuen-uae. I usually hate reading fantasy or YA when I can't tell immediately how an alien/fantasy name is pronounced. I know it seems like it wouldn't matter too much, but it really is the sort of thing that matters to people. :) A few too many vowels in that name. And even if the language is vowel heavy (if so, why is the girl named Balicia? That's not nearly as vowel heavy)it's still something you want to be cautious with. <br />It's just my opinion though. :) <br />Still, I was fascinated after reading this scene, I'd probably read more.Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53913927264184111912010-06-09T15:47:54.660-04:002010-06-09T15:47:54.660-04:00You really can't go wrong getting drama throug...You really can't go wrong getting drama through a scene where a mother just gives birth and then dies. That always gets me.<br /><br />The only thing I have to complain about are the adverbs. There were also a few sentences that could be tweaked. I had to re-read some of them a couple of times. (of course some of that may just be the wording you use which I would 'get' if I read the whole book).Kathryn Packer Robertshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16506942804607936833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45107551455000830002010-06-09T12:36:25.432-04:002010-06-09T12:36:25.432-04:00Here's what I really like about this: you trea...Here's what I really like about this: you treat the magic that fills this scene with a matter-of-fact nonchalance that I find refreshing. It's grounded, not pumped up into high fantasy hysteria. One thing to watch, however. I feel like you overdo the choppy sentence structure a bit. I'd like to see it varied more.DavidSimon4449https://www.blogger.com/profile/09636253769665740019noreply@blogger.com