tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6049642840370287101..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent Contest #20Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58316898454194183212010-04-16T23:24:00.644-04:002010-04-16T23:24:00.644-04:00Not loving it, I'm afraid. Too much exposition...Not loving it, I'm afraid. Too much exposition.<br /><br />I'd keep reading, but with trepidation.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10181944471430120342010-04-16T03:30:30.506-04:002010-04-16T03:30:30.506-04:00My first suggestion is to change the years this oc...My first suggestion is to change the years this occurs in to even further into the future. Before you know it, 2019 will be here, and your story will sound out of date. <br /><br />How could advanced technology, as the underskin ID, would continue if the world has lost its reliable electrical source? And if our current society comes unglued, what services will go with it?<br /><br />For an apocalyptic world, you need to make it believable. Gasoline won't get refined or delivered. Cars and other vehicles will become useless shells. People will revert to horses, old-time energy sources (waterwheels, windmills, etc.).<br /><br />Sorry. This is one of my pet peeves about SF writing and movies.<br /><br />I'm not feeling any sympathy for this character. A lot of the descriptions seem like listing, with little emotional sense (what does it mean to the MC?).<br /><br />Try to vary the length and form of sentences as this sample seems to be made of simple noun-verb-subject sentences.<br /><br />Keep writing.danceluvrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16357250951481805093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27136848502679814242010-04-15T02:55:06.755-04:002010-04-15T02:55:06.755-04:00The opening parg. doesn't go anywhere. It fee...The opening parg. doesn't go anywhere. It feels almost like a tease. What follows is all telling.<br /><br />Perhaps show him in the line as the kids ahead of him are being scanned, as another kid is pulled out of line for cutting out his implant. Show the world you've created. Don't tell us about it. And definitely say what the forbidden is.<br /><br />There's a lot of great stuff here. The presentation could be better though.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14501132182710265406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35503268239371811452010-04-14T19:51:15.010-04:002010-04-14T19:51:15.010-04:00Interesting story, but a bit too much telling inst...Interesting story, but a bit too much telling instead of showing. But I'd read more.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80477038056206179182010-04-14T18:46:56.681-04:002010-04-14T18:46:56.681-04:00I adore futuristic dystopian tales. I'd call ...I adore futuristic dystopian tales. I'd call this SF so far. No fantasy elements have presented themselves.<br />I like the opening para especially "watching the forbidden". But then I couldn't locate "the forbidden" anywhere in the next few sentences. Hopefully the 250 limit just cut them off.<br />SF is difficult because whole new worlds have to be presented with each story. It's different to writing an epic fantasy or contemporary tale where readers know the basic world. I like the idea of a riot and terrorism and tsunami ravaged land but it's really breaking the point of view the way it is explained now. SF is about how the future affects individuals so refocussing on the viewpoint character and exactly what she might be thinking would make this a much nicer read rather than trying to divulge great lumps of info.<br />I like the killer insects comparison. Like that the students seem more like prisoners. Like the mood of a society that has completely over-reacted to the terrorist/riot threat and seems to have removed basic human rights. I think this might be a novel with a message, and that's what SF is all about. Well done.MacDibblehttp://www.macdibble.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17544044102248937702010-04-14T18:18:14.747-04:002010-04-14T18:18:14.747-04:00Interesting, but I have to agree, there’s too much...Interesting, but I have to agree, there’s too much world building going on. I wondered if he’d really be thinking all these things while walking up to the school.HJHhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10369202377618163143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60337304129137359982010-04-14T13:37:30.482-04:002010-04-14T13:37:30.482-04:00Not quite hooked. The first paragraph was promisin...Not quite hooked. The first paragraph was promising, but instead of telling us what he/she's doing that's so forbidden, our narrator launches into a history lesson.<br /><br />You might try relocating these world-building details to another place in the manuscript or, even better, sprinkling them back into the action of this opening scene.<br /><br />Good luck with this. It sounds like the sort of thing I'd read.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80612343872594475842010-04-14T10:07:43.851-04:002010-04-14T10:07:43.851-04:00Almost hooked. There's a lot of information be...Almost hooked. There's a lot of information being presented here and some of it feels forced. I would've liked to have seen some action first, and detailed world-building later. <br /><br />After the first paragraph, which is interesting and makes me think action is coming, I would rather learn about the impending fight, and what the forbidden are, rather than the history of the world. <br /><br />I love dystopian, so I'd probably read on, but if action didn't come soon, I'd probably stop.Valerie Kemphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05795714434618357955noreply@blogger.com