tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6076996748368267952..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: July Secret Agent #31Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63869239950829001862011-07-14T15:11:53.090-04:002011-07-14T15:11:53.090-04:00I didn't think the dialogue worked. If someon...I didn't think the dialogue worked. If someone is screaming "Stop thief! He stole my purse." it seems evident what happened. Where is Dave going to go, to go see? WHo is he going to ask questions of?.<br /><br />And then I would have liked to have known his motivation for stopping the thief. Nobody else was doing anything doesn't seem a strong enough reason.<br /><br />I really liked the last two pargs. They came off as real and we got a bit of emotion out of Dave (him feeling like a football player) Perhaps work a bit more emotion into the rest of the piece. I think that's what's missing.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75832297572194636112011-07-14T11:18:51.255-04:002011-07-14T11:18:51.255-04:00I loved the chapter title, actually. That drew me ...I loved the chapter title, actually. That drew me in immediately.<br /><br />The scene is great, but I felt that the dialogue wasn't so authentic. I have never heard a teenager say to his annoying little sister, "Hold on, Ruthie, let me find out." Especially when he was annoyed at the situation he was in in the first place. He would more likely ignore her, then tell her to watch the bags.<br /><br />So make sure that your voice is authentic and that you take out unnecessary exposition.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10363533085544979452011-07-13T23:29:48.323-04:002011-07-13T23:29:48.323-04:00I think the scene is very exciting, but I think yo...I think the scene is very exciting, but I think you have some unnecessary phrases. Look at what you can delete and still understand the story. Since the scene is intense keeping out redundant sentences will make it stronger.<br /><br />Good job! I'd keep reading. Loved the opening.Melindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11542106414099032742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8112125785287679042011-07-13T17:31:15.855-04:002011-07-13T17:31:15.855-04:00A pure and simple setup to what could be a fantast...A pure and simple setup to what could be a fantastic story! Although I have no idea what "The Fogged Mirror" is going to be about, I already have a good sense of Dave and Ruthie's personalities. I'd read on a bit more, if nothing else, to find out why Dave doesn't want to be in Paris. <br /><br />Good luck!Vincent Kalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04625863843215035035noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12275675422698108902011-07-13T15:33:27.246-04:002011-07-13T15:33:27.246-04:00I liked it! The scene was set up well, with Dave a...I liked it! The scene was set up well, with Dave and Ruthie and the woman whose bag had been stolen. Ruthie being there obviously presents an obstacle; Dave can't abandon his little sister(?), but he feels the need to stop this wrong he sees going on. I would like to know exactly why he feels that need. If it's more than just "no one else did anything so it was up to me." Also, this sentence, "He stole something and nobody caught him," could be stronger, give us more sense of the MC's voice. Maybe something like, "He thought he was going get away with it, the scumbag." Not necessarily those words, but something more indicative of the MC's state of mind. I thought you did a really nice job here :)<br />Ninja GirlNinja Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00901215698632029838noreply@blogger.com