tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6242821802274018054..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 24 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10909530318726993902009-07-17T15:34:51.335-04:002009-07-17T15:34:51.335-04:00Not hooked. The flashback killed it for me. You ...Not hooked. The flashback killed it for me. You start with them at someone's door. Maybe just stay there. When we meet the person Annie's referring to, it'll probably clue us in about the accident.<br /><br />The first 3 pargs. are story. The rest is all info dumpy back story.Barbnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38795085515135194872009-07-17T11:36:37.877-04:002009-07-17T11:36:37.877-04:00I'd give this a few more pages, but I am not h...I'd give this a few more pages, but I am not hooked just yet. I agree with the people who found the chronology confusing, but the bit about Yai interested me and would probably draw me further into the story.<br /><br />Note: unless there were many "the accidents" I suspect Annie wouldn't have to add "just after Christmas." "Just after Christmas" gives her dialogue a wooden feel. <br /><br />The title is a little bland.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45353317263631412412009-07-16T12:45:29.593-04:002009-07-16T12:45:29.593-04:00Something's going on, but I found it a little ...Something's going on, but I found it a little confusing. I think the writing needs to be tightened up just a little bit. *Smiles*<br /><br />Good Luck! ;)Sarah Erberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15364100717989701019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5248616137735211822009-07-16T12:37:23.181-04:002009-07-16T12:37:23.181-04:00There's a lot of good stuff going on here. I w...There's a lot of good stuff going on here. I would read on because I'm interested in what happens next, but I think you could probably cut a great deal of the 4th paragraph or move it after the first page. Good luck!S.H.https://www.blogger.com/profile/18285987152225186177noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33769373657738322432009-07-15T23:21:56.208-04:002009-07-15T23:21:56.208-04:00I agree with Krista. Give us the story in real tim...I agree with Krista. Give us the story in real time, with a scene between Annie and the narrator. <br /><br />Also, look at the big paragraph, and how many times "was" appears -- that's a sign you're telling and using the passive voice (neither are good for a story).JohnOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04761555703224981053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28271649661336237852009-07-15T21:41:31.476-04:002009-07-15T21:41:31.476-04:00I agree with Krista G. She took the words out of m...I agree with Krista G. She took the words out of my mouth.Query-A-Dayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06403531785846541267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91769529700476000142009-07-15T18:40:23.048-04:002009-07-15T18:40:23.048-04:00Not really hooked. I like the contrast between Ann...Not really hooked. I like the contrast between Annie and Yai (which you communicate nicely with just their names in addition to the other tidbits of information we get), but I don't like how the main action suddenly stops and back story begins. Keep us on the porch and let us find out about the accident through whoever opens that door.Krista G.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76966538300226434882009-07-15T18:15:45.279-04:002009-07-15T18:15:45.279-04:00I agree with starting the story with the phone cal...I agree with starting the story with the phone call. The beginning dialogue is vague and says nothing about the storyline or the characters.<br /><br />The description of Annie and Yai explains a lot in a very short space, creating an interesting dynamic I want to know more about. I'm also interested with the narrator's relationship with them both. <br /><br />I love the "bit too American."Tessahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13408504415566533727noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51442622824182962862009-07-15T13:54:02.445-04:002009-07-15T13:54:02.445-04:00I'm interested....
I think maybe the writing...I'm interested.... <br /><br />I think maybe the writing could be tidied up just a little bit. Firmly place them on a doorstep in the first paragraph. Maybe mention Annie's name less. <br /><br />But I do like the hint of an ethnic background, and wonder if that will play a big part or not in the story.Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20688958171835466522009-07-15T13:49:21.557-04:002009-07-15T13:49:21.557-04:00I'd stick the info dump paragraph (starting wi...I'd stick the info dump paragraph (starting with 'After a day of...) after the last paragraph (starting with 'What's going on'). That way you already have a hook with the 'accident' mention, to keep us interested in the information you then convey.<br /><br />Good writing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34824570819585395032009-07-15T13:47:13.260-04:002009-07-15T13:47:13.260-04:00A mildly confusing start, immediately jumping into...A mildly confusing start, immediately jumping into a flashback - I would start with the phone call and then go forward. I am curious to know what's going on, though, and would probably read on.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16047192012474777648noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56784331421093191132009-07-15T13:23:13.886-04:002009-07-15T13:23:13.886-04:00I like it, but I still don't know what the sto...I like it, but I still don't know what the story is about... I am intrigued though. <br /><br />I like that you mention the Yai right off... and tell me that there will be a foreign aspect (that's greek, right?) to the story!~Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08872228115110257474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13911166236042932962009-07-15T11:35:10.976-04:002009-07-15T11:35:10.976-04:00I like it but I think it's a little confusing ...I like it but I think it's a little confusing to start where you do. I had to read twice to realize the second paragraph after the dialogue comes chronologically before. Why not just start there? <br /><br />Also I'd love a little snapshot description of Annie and perhaps some understanding of where we are. Right now it just needs a bit of tweaking before I'd read on.Courtney Abruzzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09863947983523888169noreply@blogger.com