tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post625031939762542465..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #10Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18126916318665287292018-03-27T06:07:55.020-04:002018-03-27T06:07:55.020-04:00thank you very much ..
الموقع الأولthank you very much ..<br /><a href="http://www.raitube.com/vb/" rel="nofollow">الموقع الأول</a>sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14801524696037744766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32705646111363574132017-06-02T09:32:27.394-04:002017-06-02T09:32:27.394-04:00I found the first sentence confusing. There's ...I found the first sentence confusing. There's four pieces of action, all spliced together. They step further in, but he's clearing path? To what door?<br /><br />I also think there's a lot going on with her emotional state in that those disparate feelings don't fit well together on equal footing. She can feel those things, but maybe provide some roadmap for them. This would allow the reader to understand how the empath power works as well. Focus on a primary feeling, then carefully augment it. Describe the base emotion as the cake, and the other confusions around it as the icing. I think that would draw the reader into the empath's experience more.<br /><br />The scene feels rushed. I don't feel situated in the space and I can't imagine how they are fixed within it. You need to expand the experience and slow down. First kisses are important and even if the characters are in a hurry, the reader rarely is!<br /><br />I'm really intrigued by the empathic character!PThttp://pernicioustit.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38284181003261514002017-05-31T17:37:59.243-04:002017-05-31T17:37:59.243-04:00LOL- sorry for the typos, that's what I get fo...LOL- sorry for the typos, that's what I get for using my phone ;).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88031907821243457632017-05-31T17:37:09.365-04:002017-05-31T17:37:09.365-04:00Nice job. I had no trouble with the different view...Nice job. I had no trouble with the different view points as it's stated at the top that the guy is an empath--he's feeling what she feels, it's not head hoping as we're not really in her head--HE'S in her head. Definitely a high heat moment!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46358305230935232102017-05-31T14:59:48.265-04:002017-05-31T14:59:48.265-04:00Nice job. For me, this had a bit of a telling, not...Nice job. For me, this had a bit of a telling, not showing feel to it. You tell us her emotions--like annoyance, amusement, relief. But I'd rather "see" those things in some physical reactions. Show us how she felt amusement, etc. Did she smile? Shoulders dropped with relief? How did she "encourage him to go on?" You have great building blocks here for a fantastic kiss and I want to see the details, not get the play-by-play. Being an empath is interesting because I'm assuming he can tell what she is feeling, but I think as a reader, I wanted to see it too. What was the point of the guy Roy interrupting them? Do they know him? The sigh she gives makes me think he often interrupts.<br />I loved the part about the silk dress "God help me" is great! <br />Great kiss scene! The heat is there. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43987206556913387432017-05-31T14:02:18.698-04:002017-05-31T14:02:18.698-04:00I thought this was too generic. You tell us he kis...I thought this was too generic. You tell us he kissed her, but you don't say how. You say he held nothing back, but don't tell us what he did. You say he gave her everything she asked for. What did she ask for? What did he give her? Details. That's what's missing. That's what will bring this to life.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59763113320915230382017-05-31T06:39:44.075-04:002017-05-31T06:39:44.075-04:00I really like the way he responds to the silk, lik...I really like the way he responds to the silk, like it’s “his button.” The first sentence is from Michael’s point of view, the 2nd was from hers, the 3rd from his.<br />Kirstenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17615706786848610850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37188920470516387322017-05-30T15:49:49.539-04:002017-05-30T15:49:49.539-04:00Now THAT'S a kiss! Well done!Now THAT'S a kiss! Well done!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07547808563516206931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18529552288442383922017-05-30T15:33:03.345-04:002017-05-30T15:33:03.345-04:00The idea of how an empath reacts to kissing makes ...The idea of how an empath reacts to kissing makes this scene interesting. It seems like most of the feelings are actually hers although we are in his perspective. I'm not really sure what he is actually feeling and only get a hint at the end. I'm sure in context the silk dress is more meaningful. It clearly causes a reaction in him that leaves me with an overwhelmed impression of feeling helpless to his strong emotion/desires.Loretta Chefhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14614456326479128984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47768600791882513712017-05-30T14:57:16.292-04:002017-05-30T14:57:16.292-04:00Okay. I have a few suggestions. First I'm not ...Okay. I have a few suggestions. First I'm not sure if something went wrong with posting this or you actually do have it as all one paragraph if that's the case that needs to be fixed. This should be at least three different paragraphs. Maybe more. It's hard to tell because of the head jumping which is my next thing. You switch back and forth between the povs, jumping heads which is so annoying when reading. I'm not trying to be harsh but when you go from his head to hers every other sentence it doesn't flow and makes it a chore to read so I suggest sticking to just one at a time. Also I was kind of confused by what exactly is going on to be honest. Where exactly are they? If Serinity and Roy are on a date in the apartment why is Michael pulling Serinity in with him in the first sentence? As for the kiss itself, in my opinion, it needs more build up. It's all good and great if you want it to be wild and passionate but at least give the reader a little build up. A moment of tension as they stare at each other before Michael surges forward. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14064952095634170692noreply@blogger.com