tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6343465485183638609..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop The Needle 38Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79670415504060269162008-08-01T15:40:00.000-04:002008-08-01T15:40:00.000-04:00Hmm, it was kind of hard for me to get into this a...Hmm, it was kind of hard for me to get into this and I'm not sure I got a good picture of Mike. I have to agree with Chelle's nits--I think men CAN do it, it's just a little weird seeing the words associated with that when I read the scene. :P<BR/><BR/>~MercMerchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52201399734274152062008-07-31T09:06:00.000-04:002008-07-31T09:06:00.000-04:00This was a little confusing for me... I agree with...This was a little confusing for me... <BR/><BR/>I agree with the others that guys do not shriek. I mean, it is always funny in the movies when they do (love the 'bad guy runs screaming like a woman' moments), but in real life, they don't. <BR/><BR/>The other thing is the interaction between the characters. Or the formalities and lack of description.<BR/><BR/>It goes from Detective Mike Stanley to 'the detective' to Mike to Detective Stanley and back to Mike. <BR/><BR/>Then there are spots where I don't know who is talking - Trish or Detective Mike Stanley, their voices are too similar. There is a good deal of infodumping going on in the conversation. <BR/><BR/><I>And Mike sounds like a teenaged goober because of the giggle. </I>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91591998368095562462008-07-31T08:35:00.000-04:002008-07-31T08:35:00.000-04:00I'm guessing Mike is the SC. I didn't get too much...I'm guessing Mike is the SC. I didn't get too much of a sense of him but he did seem like he could be an engaging character.Esther.Jadehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11552124058522436295noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75906892248354062452008-07-31T08:31:00.000-04:002008-07-31T08:31:00.000-04:00Thanks for your feedback. I edited the scene to f...Thanks for your feedback. I edited the scene to fit the fit the 250 words. In the original scene Trish screams when she sees Mike Stanley. <BR/><BR/> You are right about the language. I will change this. Chortle though always reminds me of pugs... :) <BR/><BR/>Mike Stanley was friends with Trish when they were teenagers, so he isn't a total stranger to her.. <BR/><BR/>Originally I did not have Mike shrieking but someone in my writer's group, questioned if someone getting hit with water wouldn't scream or something.<BR/>So I added that part in, I think I will go with my first hunch and remove it. <BR/><BR/>Thanks again.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62785614974644366412008-07-31T01:30:00.000-04:002008-07-31T01:30:00.000-04:00As the others have said, the word choices convey a...As the others have said, the word choices convey a different meaning than perhaps you want. <BR/><BR/>If what Mike heard is what I think Mike heard, your mc's reaction is too shallow - she just found a man in her bathroom, much less a cop? And she just takes the t-shirt and puts it on?<BR/><BR/>We see no embarrassment from Mike - that makes me think he's jerk. Even with Mike's implied thought "revealing the thought of Dawn playing detective" (how would the mc know that's what he's thinking?) I think he's probably a voyeur and his unexpected shower was a good thing.<BR/><BR/>If that's what you were working toward, you accomplished it.<BR/><BR/><BR/>KizmetAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50208959364071910702008-07-30T23:58:00.000-04:002008-07-30T23:58:00.000-04:00It confused me. I also agree with the word choice ...It confused me. <BR/><BR/>I also agree with the word choice to describe the detective...giggle made me stop, and then while reading what followed, it kept me distracted.<BR/><BR/>I think the story itself intriguing, it just needs some revision for word choice and grammatical errors which can be really distracting (see excerpt below).<BR/><BR/>"Mike's gives a slight giggle"<BR/><BR/>:) TerriTerriRainerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301763290901887933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43698203567144003142008-07-30T18:39:00.000-04:002008-07-30T18:39:00.000-04:00I'm thinking Stanley is the SC.I didn't get a lot ...I'm thinking Stanley is the SC.<BR/><BR/>I didn't get a lot about his personality from this scene, but I did get a few story questions that would make me want to read more. Why is the detective <STRONG>hiding</STRONG> in Trish's shower? Why was he spying on Ethan and Trish years ago? And why is he looking into them again now?Walking Tigerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02720779567422157000noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51990516333882650572008-07-30T18:31:00.000-04:002008-07-30T18:31:00.000-04:00I'm afraid I have to agree with the others. The sq...I'm afraid I have to agree with the others. The squealing and giggling seemed out of place for a hard-boiled detective, which is what most of his dialogue led me to conjure. Unless he's an effeminate detective -- which could be a nice switch, but then most of his dialogue doesn't fit.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20819815749673200402008-07-30T18:14:00.000-04:002008-07-30T18:14:00.000-04:00I too had a conflict of characterization with his ...I too had a conflict of characterization with his squealing, then he seemed more masculine as he commanded her to sit. Then the giggle seemed out of place. I pictured him as older, and a little hardened from his dialogue, but the feminine words got me.Victorinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06052077366367623323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74181999156425750202008-07-30T17:53:00.000-04:002008-07-30T17:53:00.000-04:00Sorry, but the beginning totally threw me off. Yo...Sorry, but the beginning totally threw me off. Your MC was going to take a shower, nude, while the detective just stood there? Because, without any transitions, that's how this comes across.<BR/><BR/>Nor do I think the dialogue was unique enough between characters to help me fix them as "real" rather than author constructs in my head. Sorry.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6970675606579057522008-07-30T17:50:00.000-04:002008-07-30T17:50:00.000-04:00Other than Mike seeming a little feminine -- which...Other than Mike seeming a little feminine -- which would be fine, except I don't think you intended it -- and the whole "detective hiding in the tub" thing being unrealistic to me, Mike holds his own to Trish. The abundance of names in such a small scene left me confused, but with a couple of tweaks, I think Mike makes an interesting SC.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4563706173956366452008-07-30T17:01:00.000-04:002008-07-30T17:01:00.000-04:00Mike's gives a slight giggle revealing the thought...<I>Mike's gives a slight giggle revealing the thought of Dawn playing detective amuses him.</I><BR/><BR/>Everything was fine until the above phrase. That brought me to a schreeching halt. I think you need to reword this for clarity and to be concise. <BR/><BR/>Otherwise. The characters are balanced :o)Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87592889801714769842008-07-30T16:48:00.000-04:002008-07-30T16:48:00.000-04:00I too found some of the language attributed to Mik...I too found some of the language attributed to Mike a bit confusing: shriek, giggle. It seemed kind of feminine. Otherwise, I got more of a sense of what just happened than a feel for either character.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80579778010159710592008-07-30T15:35:00.000-04:002008-07-30T15:35:00.000-04:00I got tripped up on the shower scene...I thought M...I got tripped up on the shower scene...I thought Mike was..you know, taking a shower; not fully dressed.<BR/><BR/>I got the impression that Mike was older, somewhat hard-boiled from the "Sit." command, but then the 'giggle' made me think he's younger and a little full of himself.<BR/><BR/>It was hard for me, to get a read on Mike in this piece.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23203156361407020282008-07-30T15:10:00.000-04:002008-07-30T15:10:00.000-04:00Two nit- picks. 1. Do men squeal?most of the cops ...Two nit- picks. <BR/>1. Do men squeal?most of the cops I've known or met are more alpha-dog types which lead to the second nit<BR/>2. DO men giggle? I think two word changes might make this character a bit more real to me (at any rate)<BR/><BR/>shout, bellow, holler,roar<BR/><BR/>chuckle, snigger, chortleAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com