tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6409143831271686839..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Baby Slushpile #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18318209533379463132012-06-29T19:14:41.636-04:002012-06-29T19:14:41.636-04:00No. Synesthesia and gay romance (plus cancer) (and...No. Synesthesia and gay romance (plus cancer) (and bullying) feels gimmicky. Probably in the story, they're layered in much more subtly, but in the query, it looks like a checklist of Hot Button Topics. A little focus would help.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58806358779840458802012-06-29T17:56:51.850-04:002012-06-29T17:56:51.850-04:00No - but you could turn it into a yes by making it...No - but you could turn it into a yes by making it more consise / focused. Think about the most important conflict/ plot point (family or Bianca) and focus on that.librarygiraffehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12285483280673807709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28579727997177019332012-06-29T09:10:09.151-04:002012-06-29T09:10:09.151-04:00The beginning sounds really fun! But then...not su...The beginning sounds really fun! But then...not sure. But I would request 3 chapters.Kristen Wixtedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06270464973842125576noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71550324679473672572012-06-29T01:03:56.127-04:002012-06-29T01:03:56.127-04:00Yes, but I kept feeling like the cancer subplot sh...Yes, but I kept feeling like the cancer subplot should be bigger than it is. I'm worried Livvie will come across as selfish for thinking her own problems are bigger than her sister's.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83737114963241322512012-06-28T19:37:59.090-04:002012-06-28T19:37:59.090-04:00Tentative yes. It feels like too many Issues all c...Tentative yes. It feels like too many Issues all crammed in it just for the sake of having an Issue Novel, but the promising relationship between Livvie and Bianca makes me want to check it out despite everything else. I'd read pages to see if the voice and character can sustain the plot.Merchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74237381612753666362012-06-28T19:30:12.157-04:002012-06-28T19:30:12.157-04:00Yes, but I would tighten the query up a bit. I'...Yes, but I would tighten the query up a bit. I'm not quite sure what the main focus of the story is--is it a coming out story? If so, maybe focus on that? <br /><br />I think I would like the character of Livvie. She seems like a person I could root for. :)Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11378846887890437566noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33882468868258349962012-06-28T18:31:42.091-04:002012-06-28T18:31:42.091-04:00Yes, I like the overall idea of this a lot, but as...Yes, I like the overall idea of this a lot, but as another person suggested, paring down will help, and the synesthesia feels kind of thrown in; given the book seems to be about other factors, thinking it might be better to leave this out. I would also suggest in a few places looking for some stronger verbs to replace "get" and "got."Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16313328172658672092012-06-28T17:53:56.310-04:002012-06-28T17:53:56.310-04:00Yes, but I would streamline this query a bit.Yes, but I would streamline this query a bit.Lori M. Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04858438789496971734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62802828409955788642012-06-28T16:06:01.866-04:002012-06-28T16:06:01.866-04:00Yes.
The girl clearly has problems. You might cou...Yes.<br /><br />The girl clearly has problems. You might could focus down on just the sister and the dance issue, though, and leave the mom out of it.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51583209382272053582012-06-28T14:58:17.164-04:002012-06-28T14:58:17.164-04:00No. But maybe. In paragraph-4, I would end at &q...No. But maybe. In paragraph-4, I would end at "...ridicule from her classmates." After that, it seems to ramble on. Tighten it up. <br />Regarding your title, is this based on Livvie's friends' boyfriends? Not sure how your title fits in with the query description.Katie T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/14855059632433222522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75920826436765038832012-06-28T14:41:05.664-04:002012-06-28T14:41:05.664-04:00No. It doesn't feel new to me. Would like to s...No. It doesn't feel new to me. Would like to see some twist that makes this story different. Also query has too many plot points.JanEnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35407121117631846272012-06-28T14:41:03.202-04:002012-06-28T14:41:03.202-04:00Yes. I like the voice and am intrigued by the syne...Yes. I like the voice and am intrigued by the synesthesia. There are a lot of issues here, but it didn't scream out "forced" to me.Kara Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03373409872641894964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82465300714589703542012-06-28T14:35:39.252-04:002012-06-28T14:35:39.252-04:00Started as a yes, but then turned to a no when the...Started as a yes, but then turned to a no when the issues stated building up. I'm not sure what the main conflict is in this story. Like Arielle said it feels like one thing in one paragraph and then something else in the next. Pick you main conflict and focus on that.SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16739082225536122042012-06-28T14:33:12.339-04:002012-06-28T14:33:12.339-04:00Yes. It sounds very relevant to what's happeni...Yes. It sounds very relevant to what's happening in society today. Send the first 50.DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75762398660353494492012-06-28T14:30:49.032-04:002012-06-28T14:30:49.032-04:00Yes, I'd read more because I think I'd lik...Yes, I'd read more because I think I'd like this character but I agree that the query is a little long and could be tightened. I find Synesthesia fascinating so I'll admit you had me on that one. Overall, I find Livvie to come across as a very real character and I'd be reading to see if that holds up. She has a lot going on but I tend to like that, as long as all the threads are maintained and the main plot is discernible.Shelli Cornelisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09247205714804640362noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79586577686227323752012-06-28T14:03:00.407-04:002012-06-28T14:03:00.407-04:00On the fence, close but noOn the fence, close but noBill Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12727407427730937429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87687901691518890962012-06-28T13:58:26.174-04:002012-06-28T13:58:26.174-04:00No. Too many details. I stopped reading..For some ...No. Too many details. I stopped reading..For some reason I couldn't focus.Stefanie Wassnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6916942426150908652012-06-28T13:56:29.773-04:002012-06-28T13:56:29.773-04:00No.
This story needs a stronger focus. If it'...No.<br /><br />This story needs a stronger focus. If it's a coming out story, it takes too long to get to this point, making the other details seem irrelevant (when they probably aren't).Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12774075779926102432012-06-28T13:42:56.029-04:002012-06-28T13:42:56.029-04:00Yes - Voice trumps all for me. But I understand wh...Yes - Voice trumps all for me. But I understand what others are saying about focus.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91899945257781052312012-06-28T13:41:11.555-04:002012-06-28T13:41:11.555-04:00I'd look at the included pages as I'm on t...I'd look at the included pages as I'm on the fence about the query. It does feel a little crammed with issues, but if the pages make me buy into it, I'm sold.Christine L. Arnoldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15678937811363853702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71271110592828229392012-06-28T13:35:28.665-04:002012-06-28T13:35:28.665-04:00Yes. Though I felt it suffered from being a little...Yes. Though I felt it suffered from being a little long and too plot heavy. However, I like the subject matter.Melissa Sarnohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11215683401795724259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7408072019487679752012-06-28T13:31:03.545-04:002012-06-28T13:31:03.545-04:00I'd read the first page or so, but they would ...I'd read the first page or so, but they would have to be really spectacular to keep me going. Like others said, there's too much going on in the query. What is the real crux of this story? I think you should try to get to it more quickly.andrea jeanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12241080850623158688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56379272664841472262012-06-28T12:49:11.225-04:002012-06-28T12:49:11.225-04:00Yes. I agree with earlier post that you could tigh...Yes. I agree with earlier post that you could tighten query and it would flow better, but I like the plot.maryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03882782989222672409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15974214025676236292012-06-28T12:48:30.789-04:002012-06-28T12:48:30.789-04:00Yes, but I'd narrow focus as I too felt it was...Yes, but I'd narrow focus as I too felt it was crammed with too many issues (conflicts). Stick with one or two in your query. The rest will unfold in the manuscript.Durango Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14854000354374970070noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30251384144572019842012-06-28T12:43:12.275-04:002012-06-28T12:43:12.275-04:00Yes. I like the idea of seeing Livvie learn to sta...Yes. I like the idea of seeing Livvie learn to stand on her own amidst all this turmoil, and would want to read more.Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.com