tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6527397449144758722..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: 26 Drop The Needle TENSIONAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76605178179848625612008-10-30T16:19:00.000-04:002008-10-30T16:19:00.000-04:00The last two sentences... cutting the "and" and re...The last two sentences... cutting the "and" and replacing with a period would tighten this just a touch. Short and choppy is good to have in tense action scenes.<BR/><BR/>I understood this better because I read the background on another post. I think it's good though.Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77492125678135803082008-10-30T13:12:00.000-04:002008-10-30T13:12:00.000-04:00I agree that there could be more tension about Cam...I agree that there could be more tension about Camille's death. It seems that she already is and that as you read you're just waiting to confirm it. Although I'm dying to read on and find out if she really is dead or not. (hope not!)Katiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18194684286766749312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53998002715077077992008-10-30T08:57:00.000-04:002008-10-30T08:57:00.000-04:00This looks great.... I do wonder about some word c...This looks great.... <BR/><BR/>I do wonder about some word choices in spots "revolting" legs, for example. <BR/><BR/>Also, how do you give a person's leg a shake? <BR/><BR/>And "whose eyes were half-closed in her pale face" <- I had two reactions to this. "Where else would her eyes be?" and "Her pale face is eating her eyes." <BR/><BR/>Heh.<BR/><BR/>But overall, this does make me curious about what is going on. I didn't feel particularly tense, but that could have been just because I kept getting distracted by the way things/actions were phrased...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67542091302422150432008-10-29T22:55:00.000-04:002008-10-29T22:55:00.000-04:00Not tense so much as emotional. To heighten it, m...Not tense so much as emotional. To heighten it, maybe add more of Kate's POV about Camille, rather than analyzing Devin. Some, "OMG what have I done? Is she all right?" goes a long way and would probably work very well here.LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90471664838945907942008-10-29T20:19:00.000-04:002008-10-29T20:19:00.000-04:00Hmm.... I think I have to agree about someone at l...Hmm.... I think I have to agree about someone at least attempting to revive poor Camille. That's not really so much tension-related as it is plot-related. There's tension here, but in my case it arose from me wondering who was going to make the first move on Camille, and that just seemed a bit off. Unless, of course, there's some rule in this world that says only the almost-killer can touch the possibly-dead person to see whether he or she actually has expired.<BR/><BR/>Good on ya, BTW, for using the word "supine" in a YA story! :-)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36282392213632279692008-10-29T19:10:00.000-04:002008-10-29T19:10:00.000-04:00I agree with fairchild. No one tried to revive Cam...I agree with fairchild. No one tried to revive Camille.<BR/><BR/>Otherwise it is tense.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39470037558709534332008-10-29T15:12:00.001-04:002008-10-29T15:12:00.001-04:00I sense a bit of tension here, but it seems like e...I sense a bit of tension here, but it seems like everyone is behaving as though Camille is already dead. <BR/><BR/>I think it would be more tense if there was some kind of effort to revive Camille.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50203114662391162942008-10-29T15:12:00.000-04:002008-10-29T15:12:00.000-04:00Yes, very tense. I wonder if Devin might stare at ...Yes, very tense. I wonder if Devin might stare at Kate a bit accusingly if Kate has done something to bring Camille to this state?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87324713444080166322008-10-29T15:06:00.000-04:002008-10-29T15:06:00.000-04:00This sounds like a really interesting story! I thi...This sounds like a really interesting story! I think this passage is good, but could use some tightening. I'd start with ditching "Devin had to be talking about Camille."--you don't need it. I'd also replace "revolted"--the word has too many connotations.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com