tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6534008133923479308..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #3Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50607505943223151362016-01-19T10:56:44.696-05:002016-01-19T10:56:44.696-05:00I really can picture this scene between these two ...I really can picture this scene between these two people. The first few sentences had three adverbs in there and none of them are necessary. <br /><br />Elam’s angled bangs hid his left eye. He tossed the hair back so she could see his face before the hair, dyed a dark black, fell forward again. <br /><br />If you take them out and add the color of his hair, we'll get a fuller picture of him. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00704644307678872170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72230789806341112562016-01-15T15:58:02.534-05:002016-01-15T15:58:02.534-05:00Great scene. I can totally picture it.
Love the w...Great scene. I can totally picture it.<br /><br />Love the way you play with pauses and interrupts and alter sentences lengths into little bursts of words and rushed phrases.<br /><br />Possibly the 'if you…if we…' might work better with emdashes -- more like he interrupts himself than hesitates.<br />Plus, you do have a lot of those little dots :)<br /><br />'Fiona’s frozen innards melted into an ecstatic, quivering pool' is a little purple, but that didn't bother me. It's hard to comment on description without seeing the larger context.ikmarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09211122590810154080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90985171138532378662016-01-14T17:55:04.659-05:002016-01-14T17:55:04.659-05:00I enjoyed this line: Fiona’s world shrank to the w...I enjoyed this line: Fiona’s world shrank to the warmth of Elam’s skin on hers. <br /><br />I would watch for the elipses. They are find for a draft, but you want to use that punctuation when the pause is necessary and worth focusing on. In the same way that truly natural speaking is full of Um er but uhhh and we don't want to read that in fiction unless it's there for impact. Maybe see if a few ... can be removed or replaced with another way to show hesitation, with a physical act or for POV character an internal thought.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50687697218349035292016-01-14T16:08:22.100-05:002016-01-14T16:08:22.100-05:00Your dialogue sounds very natural and flows well. ...Your dialogue sounds very natural and flows well. Nice job! The thing that stuck out to me most in a negative way was not dialogue actually; it was the line about frozen innards turning into an ecstatic, quivery pool. LOL. I'm not feeling that description. It's definitely unique but in a way where it is distracting. It's also kind of gross, at a time when the focus is on a budding romance. I get that she's nervous and I like that you're describing it but I recommend going with something else there.<br /><br />Sometimes you need a bit more to explain character's thought processes. For example, Elam goes from saying he has to leave to he didn't know if she would wait for him. But he never said he was planning to come back nor did he ask her to wait for him so it felt a little jumpy. The same sort of situation applies to when he interrupts her and says "think about it." What is it, exactly? For them to be more than friends? He doesn't specify.Tiffany Dawnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08886386535104627513noreply@blogger.com