tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6535326486493465869..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle: REVELATION #13Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33762882147507969202011-03-07T20:33:35.025-05:002011-03-07T20:33:35.025-05:00This is a tough passage to comment on, since we do...This is a tough passage to comment on, since we don't know the relationships between each elf. Are they siblings? Cousins? Lovers? I amost feel like I *should* have a sense for the relationship status after reading about Sable's suicide attempt.<br /><br />Consider checking each time you use a "to be" verb (was/were) to make sure there isn't a stronger verb to use in place of it. For example, <br />"Daon's pupils were as wide and wild as Sable's."<br />can be changed to<br />"Daon's pupils grew as wide and wild as Sable's."<br /><br />Good luck with your WiP.Marybkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12013291291298167627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51141897780606535062011-03-04T11:27:19.566-05:002011-03-04T11:27:19.566-05:00What's missing for me is a sense of the relati...What's missing for me is a sense of the relationship between Sable and Tilara. I realize it would be established before this scene. He's tried to kill himself and she is both relieved and disappointed that it didn't work. But I have no idea when're that's because she wouldn't be able to take a knife to herself or because she wants Sable to live. I was curious about how Daon knows it will take two months. Either he knew before, in which case he let Sable suffer for no reason, or because he discovered this overnight. It seems like too specific a time frame to be a more sudden revelation. I assume that's cleared up, just pointing it out as a curiosity for me.tarakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11879814735940426961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5271006705947709562011-03-03T18:43:53.871-05:002011-03-03T18:43:53.871-05:00I'm thinking the reveal is Sable's realiza...I'm thinking the reveal is Sable's realization that he's stuck with these parasites, that he can't even kill himself to escape them. If so, it would be a bigger moment if Tilara reacted in some way to the news. As is, he just announces it and things go on as they were, so it doesn't stand out as a moment. And then, Daon seems to have already known that, which also kills the big moment. You might want to let tilara react to his announcement, too.<br /><br />The piece overall could use use more more reaction, emotion and showing. Show us Sable thrashing and moaning. We'll not only actually feel his pain, we'll also feel Tilara's.<br /><br />You've got some good stuff here, but I think it needs more.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5127417665579307622011-03-03T17:34:24.018-05:002011-03-03T17:34:24.018-05:00I liked this. The only issue for me was the consta...I liked this. The only issue for me was the constant use of past perfect (had + past participle). Otherwise, I would definitely read more!Melissa Westhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02966291275720561057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68508501906058347622011-03-03T16:23:03.929-05:002011-03-03T16:23:03.929-05:00The tension is great in this passage and I think y...The tension is great in this passage and I think you do a really good job conveying their misery and desperation.<br /><br />I think the last paragraph is really good and intrigues me, but why didn't Daon speak up earlier if he knew it would take two months? If he already knew the information then he could have saved Sable some effort (and some blood loss) by telling him before he stabbed himself. If Daon didn't know beforehand, it would help to convey some of his emotions. Is he angry while he talks? Sad? Resigned?<br /><br />Thanks for sharing this!duwarrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17808867257167768008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12942800716428249902011-03-03T12:18:12.569-05:002011-03-03T12:18:12.569-05:00I would read more. This submission is ambiguous an...I would read more. This submission is ambiguous and doesn’t give me enough to grab onto but that is only due to the brevity not the writing.<br /><br />This gives me a great sense of tension, mystery, and it definitely calls to me. The dialogue is good, natural. The only slim crit I have, you might want to add some sensory touches to it, smells, tastes, or audio. <br /><br />That might make it pop, IMHOHuntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41506649094901001702011-03-03T12:14:47.436-05:002011-03-03T12:14:47.436-05:00I'm intrigued o_O Also a bit squeamish but in ...I'm intrigued o_O Also a bit squeamish but in a good way lol.Lori M. Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04858438789496971734noreply@blogger.com