tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6599373875239386184..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: Are You Hooked? #5Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51002129427044856692017-08-08T20:11:52.510-04:002017-08-08T20:11:52.510-04:00I'm curious, but there's too much dialogue...I'm curious, but there's too much dialogue at the start from people I don't yet know or care about. Try bringing in more movement and action.Ellen Mulhollandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17978299715941154306noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56458419658836331882017-08-06T18:25:49.543-04:002017-08-06T18:25:49.543-04:00I also agree with what's been said. I agree w...I also agree with what's been said. I agree with Barbara about this opening not being unique enough..it feels like a cliche way to begin. I also need more grounding in the setting. I think your world building should start right away, right now they are characters in a blank white room. I think this will be good though. AMYnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52332918613318585222017-08-06T17:07:03.274-04:002017-08-06T17:07:03.274-04:00Thank you everyone for your comments! Lots to wor...Thank you everyone for your comments! Lots to work on now.EM Bridgesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79670519645226160612017-08-02T16:23:28.913-04:002017-08-02T16:23:28.913-04:00Unfortunately, I think I will mostly be agreeing w...Unfortunately, I think I will mostly be agreeing with the others here. I'm not a fan of prologues, and that is what this reads as. Something that happened before the story begins.<br /><br />I would echo the recommendations to start somewhere closer to the action. Whether she is on her way to the palace or already there, and then she can flashback to the moment you have written.<br /><br />Either way, I'd like more of a description around the necklace, as it seems to be a very important item in your story.Petehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13033830756434950869noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61835976587803897782017-08-01T22:21:15.299-04:002017-08-01T22:21:15.299-04:00I agree with Barbara. I found myself wondering whe...I agree with Barbara. I found myself wondering where I was. I wouldn't start with this flashback unless you can make can show more details that would push the story forward. <br />I was curious about what the necklace looked like and what is this "Secret Place". The place had me wanting to read more.MaDonnahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05584846693925103139noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83118279716326606982017-08-01T15:41:11.764-04:002017-08-01T15:41:11.764-04:00My suggestion would be not to open with a flashbac...My suggestion would be not to open with a flashback. Save it for chapter two. Instead, start with where she is now. This is historical. Place us in time and space. What country are we in? What time period? Is she wearing that necklace? Clutching it in her hand? On her way to Mount Pella? <br /><br />Involve us in what she's doing now, and what her problem/goal is now. After you've reeled us in, then give us some backstory. A dying person leaving a loved one a cryptic message has been done a miilion times, and while it can work and be effective (why else would it be used so much) do you really want to start with a cliche?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25856513314434489962017-08-01T12:51:49.180-04:002017-08-01T12:51:49.180-04:00Thank you, Sasha. This is actually a flashback th...Thank you, Sasha. This is actually a flashback that opens the story, but you make some very good points. Much for me to consider.EM Bridgesnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20037987287295975462017-08-01T10:40:38.627-04:002017-08-01T10:40:38.627-04:00Your opening piqued my interest, for sure, but I t...Your opening piqued my interest, for sure, but I think the execution of the opening could be re-worked to be much stronger, more alluring, more enticing.<br /><br />My first thought was to introduce us to Satara, perhaps in her grief at her mother's passing, gripping the necklace, the last gift her mother gave her. Then show this scene you've given us as a flash back.<br /><br />Otherwise, if you are committed to beginning with the scene itself, I think it needs to be grounded with more details. What is the setting? Are they in a room? What does it looks like? What does it smell like?<br /><br />How does Satara react mother rambling about palaces out of the the blue? What does the necklace look like? How does it feel in her hand?<br /><br />I've heard the advice that your protagonist needs to want something, even if its just a drink of water. What does Satara want? I don't get a sense of it yet.Storyby_Sashahttp://storybysasha.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.com