tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6650657840290911881..comments2024-03-18T12:01:18.507-04:00Comments on Authoress: 50 Words #44Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52692271030587172332010-04-24T06:12:28.625-04:002010-04-24T06:12:28.625-04:00The danger of starting with a character doing some...The danger of starting with a character doing something they're not really interested in is that your readers won't be interested either. Mara isn't all that excited about looking through the box, so I'm not either, even though I'm sure she'll find something otherwise you wouldn't have started your story with it.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72394239095947465552010-04-23T13:12:32.600-04:002010-04-23T13:12:32.600-04:00I love the title and the allusion to the book of R...I love the title and the allusion to the book of Ruth and would keep reading on the strength of the title alone. I don't think 50 words was enough to hook or unhook me in this case.Robin Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12254896327174187893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5062158290381522662010-04-23T01:03:25.691-04:002010-04-23T01:03:25.691-04:00I was thrown from the story with "this old bo...I was thrown from the story with "this old box." We aren't in the character's head yet, so it should be "the old box." <br /><br />This doesn't seem like an opening--it has a middle feel to it.Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09609095934716513347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6227791490416564632010-04-23T00:05:07.286-04:002010-04-23T00:05:07.286-04:00I'd like more of a sense of Mara. The sixteen ...I'd like more of a sense of Mara. The sixteen years gives me the first impression that she's almost that young. Then I read it again and think she's much older.<br /><br />It's a quiet beginning that I almost like. I'd read a little more.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69813057869561962512010-04-22T17:30:18.584-04:002010-04-22T17:30:18.584-04:00Sorry, person-I-know, but not hooked.
I would su...Sorry, person-I-know, but not hooked. <br /><br />I would suggest playing up the tension between Mara's cynicism and her curiosity, and emphasizing her emotional turmoil. This is a quiet scene, so the driving force for it has to come from internal sources. Mara's thoughts are what have to hook us; give us some inner conflict.jjdebenedictishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16950592240599703771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2847267966614590632010-04-22T16:25:41.411-04:002010-04-22T16:25:41.411-04:00Not really hooked. I didn't like starting with...Not really hooked. I didn't like starting with a question. As others have mentioned, I feel like there's a better way to set up this obviously important box.<br /><br />I did like the, "Sixteen years of traipsing...," line.TKAstlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15853167834460094772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51199128591513607652010-04-22T15:35:10.672-04:002010-04-22T15:35:10.672-04:00I would rather see what's in the box than wond...I would rather see what's in the box than wonder about. But I would read to find out more.rheanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68976583735569880822010-04-22T14:36:35.205-04:002010-04-22T14:36:35.205-04:00I would keep reading, but I agree that you need to...I would keep reading, but I agree that you need to add a little more urgency.Jill Wheelerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15059527254551768150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9900324244399510342010-04-22T14:33:18.631-04:002010-04-22T14:33:18.631-04:00The idea is great, but the wording is awkward. Let...The idea is great, but the wording is awkward. Let me see the box and then wonder about it.Jean Viola Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09411412962083731682noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72273417571910586792010-04-22T13:58:54.727-04:002010-04-22T13:58:54.727-04:00Not hooked. This does create some interest but, at...Not hooked. This does create some interest but, at least for me, lukewarm at best. Several errors in grammar are jarring.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62075183999742525212010-04-22T12:55:39.467-04:002010-04-22T12:55:39.467-04:00not hooked. If you MC doesn't really care, why...not hooked. If you MC doesn't really care, why should we?Elizabeth Janettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09126364534598960883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40262399803671246252010-04-22T12:53:38.348-04:002010-04-22T12:53:38.348-04:00Not hooked.
I see the potential for a hook in a s...Not hooked.<br /><br />I see the potential for a hook in a secretive old box, but the language is too wordy for me. <br /><br />Hint: Don't end submissions in the middle of a sentence just to get in four more words. End in a logical place even if that means at word forty-six. It looks unprofessional.Amy Sue Nathanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13854920309673361956noreply@blogger.com