tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post670283206083420106..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #12Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6580065158848514262016-01-15T15:20:06.479-05:002016-01-15T15:20:06.479-05:00This has a lot of energy and humor. I think it wou...This has a lot of energy and humor. I think it would have more impact if several of the lines were less on the nose. e.g., What if Kai and Sonja never actually mention the word "manly"? I think the reader could imply it by the following:<br /><br />“But, if I’d been more . . . ”<br /><br />I stop him before he can say another word. “You’ve got to be kidding. You’re quarterback of our fucking football team. You’ve known how to change a tire on a car since you were thirteen, and you could probably handyman my entire house if it started falling apart. If you think for one second the reason your dad left is because you happen to like guys, well . . . you’re wrong.”<br /><br /><br />Just a thought. I enjoyed this.Jeanne Ryan (Serenissima)https://www.blogger.com/profile/10482350542840188974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58179762054599224102016-01-14T22:01:33.383-05:002016-01-14T22:01:33.383-05:00"Who wants to sport a hangover by two in the ..."Who wants to sport a hangover by two in the afternoon?”"<br /><br />That would be a pretty fast hangover. I'd go for who wants to be drunk by two or something similar.<br /><br /> "If he only knew how well I listened. Maybe he’d have stuck around longer.”"<br /><br />I think you could leave these out. Show a facial expression or voice inflection in the "“Probably should’ve followed his own advice.”" This will make it a lot stronger, I think.<br /><br />I'd break up the long paragraph. You can add in some kind of action, though it might be tightened also.<br /><br />Nice closing lines.<br /><br />I think you did a pretty good job. It's plain who's talking. The dialogue is straightforward with no linguistic gymnastics. I do wonder if a teen boy is going to admit he thinks his father doesn't think he's manly.<br /><br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59294719359054162862016-01-14T12:11:39.290-05:002016-01-14T12:11:39.290-05:00The dialogue is good. It gives a strong sense of b...The dialogue is good. It gives a strong sense of both characters' personalities and their interplay with each other. I do feel like you could use a few more descriptions interspersed amongst the dialogue so we have a better picture of the scene - how they're standing or moving, where they are in relation to each other, and so forth. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com