tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6710409923442177307..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #33Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31737608769384267432015-05-26T00:05:38.888-04:002015-05-26T00:05:38.888-04:00Fun opening. Like others have mentioned, I might c...Fun opening. Like others have mentioned, I might clarify the opening sentence as it is literally the first connection with the reader. When you say, "Stale sweat inside the executioner’s..." I pictured an executionor wearing the mask not the MC. Maybe "Stale sweat inside the executioner-style mask soured ..." That may be a bit clunky, but I think we need to be sure what the scenario is. Overall, very nice and intriguing!J Davidsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02951715514998560572noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35302596632968674002015-05-26T00:02:47.406-04:002015-05-26T00:02:47.406-04:00Fun opening. Like others have mentioned, I might c...Fun opening. Like others have mentioned, I might clarify the opening sentence as it is literally the first connection with the reader. When you say, "Stale sweat inside the executioner’s..." I pictured an executionor wearing the mask not the MC. Maybe "Stale sweat inside the executioner-style mask soured ..." That may be a bit clunky, but I think we need to be sure what the scenario is. Overall, very nice and intriguing!J Davidsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02951715514998560572noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17295501650467608762015-05-21T22:54:46.611-04:002015-05-21T22:54:46.611-04:00Good opening scene and voice. I agree that the exe...Good opening scene and voice. I agree that the executioner's mask is confusing because the reader assumes there's going to be an execution. Also, "takeout" is a modern term that wouldn't exist in the days of King Arthur.Jennifer Kayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00151358290264027095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44074637068669247532015-05-21T15:49:44.970-04:002015-05-21T15:49:44.970-04:00Wonderful tone and humor! Consider paring down so...Wonderful tone and humor! Consider paring down some of the details and letting the reader know from the get go that Fay is also in the scene.Sunnynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13879581637842383552015-05-21T13:43:31.443-04:002015-05-21T13:43:31.443-04:00This was good fun to read, and I would definitely ...This was good fun to read, and I would definitely keep reading. Two minor things:<br /><br />1. "They must have recognized her, because they scurried away faster than a fox leaving a henhouse with takeout." -- this metaphor sticks out like a sore thumb. You don't need it. <br /><br />2. I sometimes had a difficult time discerning who was speaking. You might add a few more he said/she said. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47162581281706644272015-05-21T08:14:07.370-04:002015-05-21T08:14:07.370-04:00This sounds like a really fun story! I like the id...This sounds like a really fun story! I like the idea of a young witch and her brother, a not-to-successful knight-in-training working together! <br /><br />I don't know about the executioner's mask. I definitely see what people mean about it making it seem like he's about to chop someone's head off, but It definitely gives you a clear visual right away and it starts the tension off why. What does it say about these two that an executioners' mask was close at hand? Maybe just make it clear sooner that he's not an executioner.<br /><br />I think "also-rumored" is a little clunky, but I'd keep reading. Best of luck with this story!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13896416602520194004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37097240523972713412015-05-21T08:13:59.712-04:002015-05-21T08:13:59.712-04:00This sounds like a really fun story! I like the id...This sounds like a really fun story! I like the idea of a young witch and her brother, a not-to-successful knight-in-training working together! <br /><br />I don't know about the executioner's mask. I definitely see what people mean about it making it seem like he's about to chop someone's head off, but It definitely gives you a clear visual right away and it starts the tension off why. What does it say about these two that an executioners' mask was close at hand? Maybe just make it clear sooner that he's not an executioner.<br /><br />I think "also-rumored" is a little clunky, but I'd keep reading. Best of luck with this story!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13896416602520194004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50745305245107608532015-05-20T17:06:41.940-04:002015-05-20T17:06:41.940-04:00I agree about the mask. The first sentence is a mo...I agree about the mask. The first sentence is a mouthful, so maybe just calling it a mask would be better.<br /><br />And I love your title.:) Fun read.Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15525362690272102453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42141741070976598022015-05-20T16:37:41.998-04:002015-05-20T16:37:41.998-04:00Like the voice. Light, entertaining. But how does ...Like the voice. Light, entertaining. But how does he see the walls and such if he's not peaking out? Collywobble--hilarious :DJulie Butcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15055134290787317245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53104173972868565962015-05-20T14:29:02.914-04:002015-05-20T14:29:02.914-04:00Interesting beginning. I was initially confused a...Interesting beginning. I was initially confused about the mask, but that cleared itself up pretty quickly. Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33391776274998767852015-05-20T11:18:49.809-04:002015-05-20T11:18:49.809-04:00I like the idea of retelling the story from a kid&...I like the idea of retelling the story from a kid's point of view. Introducing the kidnapping early gets the reader invested in their success. <br /><br />I don't get into fantasy too much, but there is a lot of potential here.<br /><br />You may want to flip the use of "hood" and "executioner's mask". That way at first we would realize he is wearing a hood and later know it is the executioner's mask.S.D.Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05707682524268581476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51431706728619334672015-05-20T10:39:26.859-04:002015-05-20T10:39:26.859-04:00Love your way with language! May want to reword th...Love your way with language! May want to reword the first sentence so that we know he's wearing the mask-I assumed there was an executioner nearby. Since your MC is blindfolded, may want to make it clear that he/she hears the rats scurry away. This sounds like a great retelling! Good luck!Tera Hertzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01732290405573279064noreply@blogger.com