tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6716758439035034083..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Kiss #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26764590908609156482017-05-31T15:15:15.719-04:002017-05-31T15:15:15.719-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12548032889444494305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33841711659074312032017-05-31T15:15:03.596-04:002017-05-31T15:15:03.596-04:00Yes, she's a lesbian, but doesn't know it....Yes, she's a lesbian, but doesn't know it. This is actually the first hint the reader gets. It's been really hard to write it as you say, so the reader knows, but the character doesn't. I'm not sure how much the reader should know at this point, but I don't want there to be confusion, either. You have given me great points to ponder. Thank you so much for your valuable feedback!Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12548032889444494305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83579691369332802622017-05-31T15:13:09.713-04:002017-05-31T15:13:09.713-04:00Thanks so much! Good call on the lips. Too much li...Thanks so much! Good call on the lips. Too much lips is not a good thing. And I had already taken one lips reference out! lol. Thanks so much!!!<br />Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12548032889444494305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21233460241484944792017-05-31T15:12:08.165-04:002017-05-31T15:12:08.165-04:00Thanks for your comment!Thanks for your comment!Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12548032889444494305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83913405020916296192017-05-31T15:11:43.441-04:002017-05-31T15:11:43.441-04:00Lol, yes they are on the ground. He fell into her ...Lol, yes they are on the ground. He fell into her as she was making a shot on the basketball court. Thanks so much for your feedback!!Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12548032889444494305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45854899338094008002017-05-31T15:10:39.854-04:002017-05-31T15:10:39.854-04:00Great catch. Thank you!Great catch. Thank you!Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12548032889444494305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61664044815421062642017-05-31T15:10:16.239-04:002017-05-31T15:10:16.239-04:00Yes, you nailed it. She's one of those that do...Yes, you nailed it. She's one of those that doesn't discover her sexual preference until after kissing/being with boys (and of course meeting the right girl) :) . i've already been told that that's unrealistic---that everyone knows when they're gay especially at 15. But I know that's always the case, so I'm hoping it works. Thanks for your feedback!Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12548032889444494305noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70783667905786649142017-05-31T06:45:43.643-04:002017-05-31T06:45:43.643-04:00Instead of “he fixes his dark brown eyes on me” I...Instead of “he fixes his dark brown eyes on me” I think this is better: “he fixes his dark brown eyes on me, his eyelashes last a mile.” Everyone african american has dark brown eyes. Noticing his eyelashes means she is really looking at him, seeing him. You’ve captured well her hesitation, the piece is too short to know why. Is she lesbian or afraid of him being african american or is there a different guy? Even though this is only 250 words it would be helpful to focus her confusion enough that the reader understands what causes her hesitation. Then they can focus on that rather than trying to figure out what is causing the hesitation (even though she doesn’t know herself). The description of his hand is great visual.<br />Kirstenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17615706786848610850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7738112983148948502017-05-30T18:06:49.959-04:002017-05-30T18:06:49.959-04:00I think this is brilliant. I like your pacing, des...I think this is brilliant. I like your pacing, description, inner monologue and find the scene well-balanced. I like how you followed up the description of a seemingly romantic setting (frogs chirping, stars popping out) with Beryl musing that it didn't go the way she expected her first kiss would go. Good juxtaposition. The one thing I wondered about was the repetition of the word "lips" before and after the line of dialogue. I wonder if perhaps it would read smoother if you replaced the second "lip," description with a different one such as, "his lips are dry and taste salty (awesome btw) He rests his hand on my thigh (or something like that). 'Do you want to go...somewhere?' "Marie Hoy-Kennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05081382934890283766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26623950021893060812017-05-30T18:04:52.513-04:002017-05-30T18:04:52.513-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Marie Hoy-Kennyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05081382934890283766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77599294754657148662017-05-30T16:04:03.260-04:002017-05-30T16:04:03.260-04:00I agree with Sarah Aspen and if that is the case, ...I agree with Sarah Aspen and if that is the case, this is a great lead in. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07547808563516206931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90054956946169242952017-05-30T15:49:36.437-04:002017-05-30T15:49:36.437-04:00I'm getting the impression that maybe Beryl is...I'm getting the impression that maybe Beryl is not into guys? Sorry if I am off base, but it feels to me like she is maybe going to be making some discoveries about her sexuality in that regard. The scene has great detail, very vivid. Loretta Chefhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14614456326479128984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57345597083555675202017-05-30T15:13:30.122-04:002017-05-30T15:13:30.122-04:00I love that this feels different than most first k...I love that this feels different than most first kisses, I love perspective. It's written very well. It all feels natural. I especially like the line about being a nun. <br /><br />When he says "Beryl" that should start a new paragraph I think. The choice of the word "rolls" when he "rolls back toward me" felt weird. Are they laying down and he's rolling over? Idk. It overall I think it's great! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14064952095634170692noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38319080992339883972017-05-30T14:10:36.068-04:002017-05-30T14:10:36.068-04:00This is a very unique look at a first kiss. It def...This is a very unique look at a first kiss. It definitely reads YA, with the uncertainty and her reaction to the kiss.<br /><br />A small grammatical bump: "He's tall, (is) good-looking, (is) super sweet and (is) eyelashes..." <br /><br />Overall, I think this is really successful.Gifford MacShanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15578566471446994845noreply@blogger.com