tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6811427771808075100..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: April Secret Agent #44Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25765103963902549152013-04-29T16:55:43.598-04:002013-04-29T16:55:43.598-04:00This has an interesting premise, and reminds me a ...This has an interesting premise, and reminds me a twinge of Ilsa Bick's "Ashes." The survivalist angle at least, which could be really cool if that's something you focus on.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25665426704252819432013-04-25T21:39:38.942-04:002013-04-25T21:39:38.942-04:00Love this. Great voice, great world building, gre...Love this. Great voice, great world building, great main character. She's been prepared for this, but I'm still excited to see what happens when she leaves her house. Great job.Jennifer Kayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00151358290264027095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27704086724208236552013-04-25T10:27:48.038-04:002013-04-25T10:27:48.038-04:00I don't even like dystopian, but your story re...I don't even like dystopian, but your story really caught my attention. <br />The opening line is a good hook.<br /><br />Yes, it needs a few line edits and a few word choices need tweaking, BUT <br />it is a great start. <br /><br />Pickies: <br />Plot-wise, the part where the dad goes to the hospital as normal didn't ring true. If you give us more reason for him doing this (with the added emotional drama), it would have more impact. <br /><br />Love the virus plot. SanWriteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07882213832893854098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39848913132618356662013-04-24T21:57:33.449-04:002013-04-24T21:57:33.449-04:00Like this...A whole lot! I know preppers and those...Like this...A whole lot! I know preppers and those who poo-poo them (all in my own extended family). I buy this. Feels real. And a medical worker who is a prepper makes it feel like he knows more than he ever let on. Love the voice of the narrator.<br />"Rain Dance..." Ha! :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44707213831020162152013-04-24T21:32:39.302-04:002013-04-24T21:32:39.302-04:00I like what you have, but the world building isn&#...I like what you have, but the world building isn't adding up to me. He's a doctor who hasn't been to the hospital in a month after a virus outbreak. Now, without any word that the hospital is still open, he heads there with a gun and a duffle bag, leaving his teen daughter home alone. Your writing is strong, but with world building questions so early, I'm not sure I would keep reading.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01052604405996474436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11642946092636415922013-04-24T20:28:33.570-04:002013-04-24T20:28:33.570-04:00Another great opening line! For the most part this...Another great opening line! For the most part this is a pretty solid beginning. I'd tweak here and there, though. Cutting "every school year" from the third sentence, for instance. A good line edit will clean up your prose.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20270101486882059772013-04-24T19:08:54.317-04:002013-04-24T19:08:54.317-04:00I'd read on. Very interesting.I'd read on. Very interesting.Rachel Schieffelbeinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01629400142880123520noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12180991564654278772013-04-24T18:24:39.027-04:002013-04-24T18:24:39.027-04:00Super tight writing. I have no criticisms. Definit...Super tight writing. I have no criticisms. Definitely want to read more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45705875190836593882013-04-24T18:23:44.179-04:002013-04-24T18:23:44.179-04:00Good voice, but the verb tenses are all over the m...Good voice, but the verb tenses are all over the map. <br /><br />I have a hard time believing that a doctor--who should know all about complete proteins--would buy beans but not rice. Is that what Cora Jane has been eating all this time? Her poor stomach!<br />mskatrinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77531686693025684942013-04-24T15:04:24.440-04:002013-04-24T15:04:24.440-04:00I really like this. I love the voice. I thought ev...I really like this. I love the voice. I thought even though it's an apocalyptic story, so dark by nature, I like the comic elements that you added, especially the line about doing a rain dance. The one line that gave me pause was the one that starts, "I smothered the twinge..." I think that it's a mouthful and that when I reread it all, I had to slow down to read it, but hey, it just might be me. I agree with someone up above in the comments about the black beans, I wondered where you would store them too. But anyway, I would most definitely keep reading.<br />amy.brashearnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31084190371779076652013-04-24T13:42:28.710-04:002013-04-24T13:42:28.710-04:00This is great. You nailed it. Cool title, great na...This is great. You nailed it. Cool title, great name for an MC, and punchy, well written stuff.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64059894737020995332013-04-24T12:07:23.745-04:002013-04-24T12:07:23.745-04:00I agree, love that first line!
It's hard for...I agree, love that first line! <br /><br />It's hard for me to picture truckloads of black beans... I mean, that's A LOT of beans, where would you even store it all? <br /><br />Also, her dad seems so worried about the world ending but then also just is willing to leave after preparing everything and go to the hospital? And what takes him a couple months to decide to leave? I feel like either he'd be super-concerned and leave right away, or he'd be really reluctant and maybe the moral duty finally gets to him, but I didn't see either situation here so it didn't quite click for me. <br /><br />The 'that was six months ago" line was intense though! <br /><br />I love stories about viruses and pandemics and stuff though so you've definitely go my interest here. Zoenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58136928859387047942013-04-24T11:09:32.751-04:002013-04-24T11:09:32.751-04:00Great first line!
I would definitely keep reading...Great first line!<br /><br />I would definitely keep reading. You have established a good voice here, and conflict is very present. <br /><br />One thing: When her dad leaves for the hospital - Im assuming gobs of people have died, there's looting going on, etc. - I would expect there to be more emotion/drama. More "I'll never see him again" in her head. That would give even more weight to the next line, "That was six months ago."Christinanoreply@blogger.com