tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6820660936665899830..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: August Secret Agent Contest #12Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39720574528692131582011-08-18T00:52:29.297-04:002011-08-18T00:52:29.297-04:00I would read more. The author is in control of the...I would read more. The author is in control of the prose, the mood, the flow of details, the pacing. That's quickly apparent. I love the way we're oriented to Paris as if it were a lover. The landscape details are quite nice. Some cliches there, too, but those are hard to avoid when speaking of wartime. One question that's bugging me: if this is World War I or II, Paris should look fairly unscathed, since, as far as I know, neither war damaged the city much, superficially, at least. Is this story an alternative history, perhaps?Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62139493944217164982011-08-17T18:23:09.063-04:002011-08-17T18:23:09.063-04:00I thought the description here was too obtrusive. ...I thought the description here was too obtrusive. It's done well but I don't think it suits the story.<br /><br />First, Henri remembers paris. Sort of. And the description is much too detailed for 'sort of.'<br /><br />It also seems to come from an adult woman rather than a teenage boy. Star performer, heralded, potpourri don't seem to be words a teenage boy would use.<br /><br />Also, the description is your whole opening, so there is no hook no problem, no inciting incident.<br /><br />Perhaps describe things as a fifteen year old might, but also cut it back some. That would leave you room to get in something that hints at the problem.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88078031558119046702011-08-17T17:28:33.227-04:002011-08-17T17:28:33.227-04:00I think the title would appeal to the YA market, t...I think the title would appeal to the YA market, too.<br /><br />You've introduced two characters in this short passage-Henri and Paris (even ascribing a gender to it).<br /><br />And while the writing was interesting, Henri faded away, and we didn't get to hear his voice.<br /><br />Could you squeeze in a few details about Henri into with the description? I think you have some narrative intrusion here, that we are hearing about what Henri has seen but not in his voice--more like his mother's (he uses the word potpourri? That's a really unusual word choice for a teenage boy). Give us details, yes, but this segment would be stronger if they were filtered through Henri's experience. If you can do that, I think you'll have a really strong start, IMHO. <br /><br />Thank you for sharing your work. Good luck.Gale Martinhttp://scrivengale.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86920458622693098812011-08-17T13:59:00.078-04:002011-08-17T13:59:00.078-04:00Oh, I love this.
The title adds so much to the ope...Oh, I love this.<br />The title adds so much to the opening, too.<br />I wonder if you meant "devoid" of life rather than "void" of life?<br />(runs to online dictionary to check)<br />I'd read more.kaureliusnoreply@blogger.com