tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post684151366402986284..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: February Secret Agent #37Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80247145801134991612012-02-19T12:27:33.891-05:002012-02-19T12:27:33.891-05:00I think you have a good voice here but will it wor...I think you have a good voice here but will it work in a YA spy genre? Is the main character going to be able to keep it up?Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41652354480894292732012-02-18T18:15:26.181-05:002012-02-18T18:15:26.181-05:00There's a lot to like about this piece. I init...There's a lot to like about this piece. I initially wondered if Mrs Dane was making outrageous statements to provoke an apathetic class into some sort of discourse - but no. She reminds me of the psychopath principal in Roald Dahl's "Matilda".<br /><br />I would omit the lines between "You know that saying..." and "She was obsessed". Too much telling when you've done a great job showing us the same thing. Besides, isn't the saying "Make Love Not War?" Or are you trying to show us your MC is not as clued-in as (s)he thinks.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50203191458810767722012-02-18T16:18:25.916-05:002012-02-18T16:18:25.916-05:00I thought this was a good start. It certainly make...I thought this was a good start. It certainly makes me want to know the teacher more. Thought the Dane/insane rhyme worked because it sounds exactly what a kid would do with a name. I guess the previous commenter gave me an idea for a weakness - 'Unknown' referred to the narrator as a 'she' - that made me go back to read it again...then again....to find some clue or justification for that..and I could find none. So, I am not sure why 'unknown' thought it was a she. To me, it could be either male or female - and therefore I think you want to make it more clear up front who we are listening to.Victor Knoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88301701804934501692012-02-18T01:07:31.655-05:002012-02-18T01:07:31.655-05:00I thought the Mrs. Dane is insane line was funny, ...I thought the Mrs. Dane is insane line was funny, but my interest started to drift away once the narrator rolled her eyes. I know that's a typical teenage reaction (I should know), but, I guess that's just it...it's typical. And then the class didn't have any reaction to the teacher's violence line other than to sit there? It didn't seem real to me, because I could practically hear the smart-a** remarks that would be coming from real high school kids. I'm all about spy stories, but this one didn't capture me.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04319768362229583026noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81243006970172352932012-02-16T21:21:43.776-05:002012-02-16T21:21:43.776-05:00You do a good job painting the teacher in this exc...You do a good job painting the teacher in this excerpt. I have to agree with Kelly, though, I didn't get YA Spy story from the first page. But that's just my personal opinion.<br /><br />I'd keep reading to see where it's going, but I'm feeling a bit confused here on the first page. <br /><br />Good luck!Amynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2967959312370707942012-02-16T18:12:36.902-05:002012-02-16T18:12:36.902-05:00It's good!! I have to say, her dialouge seemed...It's good!! I have to say, her dialouge seemed a little bit werid, like, not the content but the way things were phrased didn't sound as natural as a most teachers would talk, to me. I don't know, I would think she would be more aware of how her views are so crazy...maybe add a little bit of something like, "Now the principle doesn't like me to say this, and sure, I have recieved some emails from parents, but the truth is the truth. Violence is the answer". Or maybe you want her to be oblivious? Which is fine too! I'd make it more obvious if that is the plan though. Gosh that sounds stuck up LOL sorry! These are all just suggestions and you know I love your writing :) Love the cackling part!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22095569505735358662012-02-16T17:44:15.111-05:002012-02-16T17:44:15.111-05:00Wow. This is very unique. I love the teacher alrea...Wow. This is very unique. I love the teacher already. LOVE. My only critique point would be to lose all but one of the question marks when the teacher insists on an answer from her students. Other than that great job here.Lisa B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11499350159201423248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47958305358452012832012-02-16T15:05:34.484-05:002012-02-16T15:05:34.484-05:00This is a really great opening - it totally caught...This is a really great opening - it totally caught my attention. You really have no idea where this is going, and you want to find out. It's interesting to see how this'll become a spy novel.<br /><br />I also have to say that the title is super intriguing. What's Forgotten? How does it translate to the story?<br /><br />I really want to read the rest now!! The writing is fantastic. Way to hook a reader. Awesome job!Herohttp://www.heroicendeavors.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58803830522417614822012-02-15T21:51:16.164-05:002012-02-15T21:51:16.164-05:00Really enjoyed this! VERY hilarious! Interesting c...Really enjoyed this! VERY hilarious! Interesting character AND teacher.Merry Linoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4855036377841896942012-02-15T21:12:22.940-05:002012-02-15T21:12:22.940-05:00I think I had this teacher once. In all seriousne...I think I had this teacher once. In all seriousness though I like the voice and would be intrigued to see where it's all going.Matt Sternhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06478029882064874494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15687641997520251222012-02-15T20:41:07.130-05:002012-02-15T20:41:07.130-05:00I think is has some awesome voice and internalizat...I think is has some awesome voice and internalization. Good job!Alleged Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04869021184116123477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6709842366193883162012-02-15T18:03:18.494-05:002012-02-15T18:03:18.494-05:00I'm intrigued! I want to know what class this ...I'm intrigued! I want to know what class this is - I assumed history because history is pretty much the study of war and conflict otherwise it wouldn't have made history!<br /><br />But throwing in boxing and punching doors, now that is different!<br /><br />I'd definitely read on.GSMarlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17558162486383585621noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78215894995686836662012-02-15T17:50:20.107-05:002012-02-15T17:50:20.107-05:00While I don't think there's anything wrong...While I don't think there's anything wrong with this page, it doesn't feel like a first page. Especially not the first page of a spy story.<br /><br />I don't know, maybe I was expecting to eavesdrop on some big secret, or witness a crime. This tale about insane Mrs. Dane is entertaining, but not grabbing me by the shirt and demanding that I read on.Kellynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91085532458866647112012-02-15T15:28:10.797-05:002012-02-15T15:28:10.797-05:00The first paragraph is good, and I keep reading it...The first paragraph is good, and I keep reading it in one giant breath and get the impression of rushing through it because you just can't believe the teacher. Other than the rhyme of Dane and insane, the rush works, especially paired with the simple, one sentence pargraph following.<br /><br />Where you lose me a little is the paragraph with the eyeroll because up until this point, the opening has been "telling" rather than "showing" and it worked, but at this point, I want to be in the story and in the MC's head. <br /><br />I enjoy the teacher and I'd read more just to see what other crazy things she does. Good job.Kelly Metzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16393486174448300525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73115645735710490972012-02-15T14:03:40.830-05:002012-02-15T14:03:40.830-05:00I like the voice and this line:
We, of course, re...I like the voice and this line:<br /><br />We, of course, replied with a hearty round of silence.<br /><br /><br />I like that the reaction is snarky against something worthy (weird teacher) rather than just attitude for no reason that seems to happen a lot in early pages of some drafts.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32540368192039829952012-02-15T13:23:08.101-05:002012-02-15T13:23:08.101-05:00I really liked the first sentence as well, and enj...I really liked the first sentence as well, and enjoyed the Dane insane rhyme. It almost reminded me of a Dan Gutman book title (I know it's not the same genre, but still). The third or fourth paragraph was a little awkward for me. ("This was met with a smattering of...") I think it may be more powerful to skip that tag and just put the quote. Other than that, I really liked it. I love the concept (maybe because I am a teacher that loves boxing--who knows?). Good Job!rbgreene04noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85021101452945450992012-02-15T12:50:00.944-05:002012-02-15T12:50:00.944-05:00I LOVE your first sentence, although I really did ...I LOVE your first sentence, although I really did trip over the fact that "Dane" and "insane" rhymed. Tried to ignore it because it's so great, but it still bugged me. Otherwise, a totally awesome start to a book I would really want to read!Sharonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17311797688566799767noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41770953382025883832012-02-15T11:33:57.818-05:002012-02-15T11:33:57.818-05:00I had to laugh. I'd say yes too. Good job. =)I had to laugh. I'd say yes too. Good job. =)E. Arroyohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06634213563563094173noreply@blogger.com