tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post6950931849401648894..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 21 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10604382625928374042009-05-17T01:50:00.000-04:002009-05-17T01:50:00.000-04:00I'm not hooked by this one.
While the mobiles are...I'm not hooked by this one.<br /><br />While the mobiles are quite interesting, I can't get a very good grip on how old Jenna is as a character. I'm not sure why she's not supposed to be in Matthew's room, and what her relationship to him is. Most of all, I'm not really that intrigued by the premise of the key, which is a very standard trope for opening a YA fantasy.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34288867155283042132009-05-15T22:24:00.000-04:002009-05-15T22:24:00.000-04:00Hooked! I love keys and doors, so this got me int...Hooked! I love keys and doors, so this got me interested right off. The description of the mobiles is great, as is the mention of the ribbon springing out like a serpent, making it seem slightly sinister. <br /><br />I can feel her fear of getting in trouble as she hears her brother's voice call up to her, so you really made her come alive to me.C.N. Curtinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12305504582386602772009-05-15T00:40:00.000-04:002009-05-15T00:40:00.000-04:00Hooked. I loved the mobile description. Very nic...Hooked. I loved the mobile description. Very nice.<br /><br />You might place it in the here and now -- show her actually doing all this (you practically do anyway)rather than telling us as if it had already happened. <br /><br />And I agree with the comment about it not starting with the key, which is another reason to put us in the moment.<br /><br />Maybe give us some ideas as to what they key might be for, rather than things it wouldn't be for.<br /><br />It's not quite mysterious enough for me at this point, but the writing is good enough to make me believe you can deliver.Barbaranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39982639517362975032009-05-14T13:19:00.000-04:002009-05-14T13:19:00.000-04:00I haven't read other crits; sorry if this just rep...I haven't read other crits; sorry if this just repeats others.<br /><br />I'm hooked. I like the dancing, whispering mobiles and I want to know what the key will open. <br /><br /> The first paragraph seemed a little choppy, not clear connection between the sentences. And I;m puzzled about why Jenna's looking in a mirror to see the key.Joannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21177645546927415392009-05-14T02:08:00.000-04:002009-05-14T02:08:00.000-04:00I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who lef...I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who left a comment. I have learned so much from reading each one. <br /><br />This has already been an incredibly valuable experience for me, so I'd like to thank you all for spending the time to read my piece and write these thoughtful critiques. It is most appreciated.Cyrnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62629875234164196612009-05-13T21:50:00.000-04:002009-05-13T21:50:00.000-04:00You have to be careful about figures of speech at ...You have to be careful about figures of speech at the start of a fantasy. The reader doesn't know if they are literally true. Are the mobiles actually doing a dance around the girl? Is there a literal glow? The answers to both seem to be no, but it's hard to tell when it's the start of a fantasy story. <br /><br />I don't know how Jenna can tell that the band is too long. <br /><br />Still, either because the rest of the writing is good, or I was mistaken about the figures of speech, I was curious as to what happens next.<br /><br />Mark in the Seattle areaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42607299910400469512009-05-13T21:28:00.000-04:002009-05-13T21:28:00.000-04:00i think you coudl start with the sentence - "what ...i think you coudl start with the sentence - "what is this for?" just to grab the reader. magic boxes are always fun. Thanks for sharing it with us ;)Shelli (srjohannes)https://www.blogger.com/profile/17123227845032402600noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1858189908205670962009-05-13T18:58:00.000-04:002009-05-13T18:58:00.000-04:00I think I saw this one before. Still hooked. :PI think I saw this one before. Still hooked. :PCate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91415925588613862012009-05-13T15:21:00.000-04:002009-05-13T15:21:00.000-04:00The beginning: a box and a key. Much too cliche, b...The beginning: a box and a key. Much too cliche, but then I loved the mobile image. Can you start with that?<br /><br />I like the rest of the imagery and I'm hooked because I thought Matthew was asleep in the room. When he calls from the bottom of the stairs--nice surprise and possible twist?pathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05587289732878835426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19661787768995297332009-05-13T15:10:00.000-04:002009-05-13T15:10:00.000-04:00This has some interesting elements--the key, the d...This has some interesting elements--the key, the dragons. But the mystery confused me--is it an actual thing that's glowing, and if so, what is it? Is it the key? You have some nice descriptions, but there might be a little too much so early on, it slows down the pace. I think it's best to leave that for a bit later. But I might read on to see what happens next.JAMSnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86058502238827215152009-05-13T14:58:00.000-04:002009-05-13T14:58:00.000-04:00The 'too many Matthews' doesn't need to be repeate...The 'too many Matthews' doesn't need to be repeated, so I won't, and I can't really tell you why I wasn't hooked. It's not badly written, and it has possibilities, but I don't think I'd read much further than to find out how Matthew reacts to her being in his room.Korihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11608071085947734931noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75639806646714878422009-05-13T13:40:00.000-04:002009-05-13T13:40:00.000-04:00The big thing that threw me here was that I though...The big thing that threw me here was that I thought she HAD the key and was using it to open the box, not that she found the key in the box.<br /><br />I'm also left wondering how these kids know each other. Is this boarding school? Is she at his house studying? I don't get how she'd have access to his room, much less know what to look for.<br /><br />I agree that you can cut some of "Matthew".<br /><br />I'm not sure I'd keep reading far, but I might give it a little longer to see if distance from the initial confusion over the key made it read smoother for me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37402909993789504682009-05-13T13:22:00.000-04:002009-05-13T13:22:00.000-04:00Not hooked. It's good writing, very discriptive an...Not hooked. It's good writing, very discriptive and scene setting, but it just didn't grab me.John Zeleznikhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10301257444191880316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59668396806942091292009-05-13T11:25:00.000-04:002009-05-13T11:25:00.000-04:00Hooked. I agree on the "too many Matthews" commen...Hooked. I agree on the "too many Matthews" comment though.Saltiernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45627437575968623152009-05-13T11:08:00.000-04:002009-05-13T11:08:00.000-04:00Hmm, this is interesting, but it left me a little ...Hmm, this is interesting, but it left me a little confused.<br /><br />You start with "It began with a key." But, I think it really began with the door ajar and the mystery inside glowing at her. <br /><br />I really liked that paragraph and description. And see, I didn't know- did she find the key elsewhere and already have it in her hand? Because in paragraph three it says she lifted it from the velvet cradle as if she found it in the room. <br /><br />Also, there is one too many Matthews in the beginning. You can simply say "The mobiles overhead had fluttered...." We already know it's Matthew's room.<br /><br />But overall, I am intrigued.sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.com