tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7012348926584093459..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber Round Two #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90809277744121761752012-08-25T12:11:10.397-04:002012-08-25T12:11:10.397-04:00Doesn't grab me - mostly based on subject matt...Doesn't grab me - mostly based on subject matter. Run on sentences could be reworked.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41297565637306440012012-08-22T21:02:18.250-04:002012-08-22T21:02:18.250-04:00I like how you rewrote the first line. It's no...I like how you rewrote the first line. It's not confusing anymore, and it get a feel for what's going on. However, the last sentence puzzled me. Why would she be smug about letters she never sent?Jadenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73073558406500356742012-08-22T10:16:01.892-04:002012-08-22T10:16:01.892-04:00I find this confusing. How is smiling trash-talkin...I find this confusing. How is smiling trash-talking God and who is the "he"? It reads like you mean God. <br /><br />Good luck!<br />~HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71334931981754608952012-08-21T21:14:30.518-04:002012-08-21T21:14:30.518-04:00I'm not sure what to make of the second line. ...I'm not sure what to make of the second line. It feels like one that either comes later when there's more context, or after a line that leads a little better to understanding why she might be tempting fate. Given the word diagnosis thrown in, I can make some assumptions of what might be happening, but it feels a little muddled right now. My guess is this opening has a little bit of mystery; you aren't saying outright what's going, to be cryptic on purpose, which CAN work. I just think this isn't quite there yet since it feels more confusing than serious. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67336229712054644992012-08-21T18:54:04.315-04:002012-08-21T18:54:04.315-04:00This does not interest me. That second line totall...This does not interest me. That second line totally confused me.Stacy McKitrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07898731847653710759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56262944015740042622012-08-21T18:53:39.832-04:002012-08-21T18:53:39.832-04:00I'm sorry, but I don't think I'd keep ...I'm sorry, but I don't think I'd keep reading. Like some of the other commenters I found myself confused by this.Stephanie Garberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05418429225626297957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30751922410250306562012-08-21T17:27:52.384-04:002012-08-21T17:27:52.384-04:00The second sentence confused me a bit. It seems cu...The second sentence confused me a bit. It seems cut off. The third sentence makes her seem a bit sneaking, which makes me not like her much.<br /><br />I probably wouldn't keep reading.Kathyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04742911245060876005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75841709636201843222012-08-21T16:14:33.879-04:002012-08-21T16:14:33.879-04:00No offense, just not my cup of tea. No offense, just not my cup of tea. DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63996816569796841302012-08-21T16:14:10.211-04:002012-08-21T16:14:10.211-04:00Who's him? God or a lover? Do her letters tras...Who's him? God or a lover? Do her letters trash-talk God? I think I'm too confused to read on.Cherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02106422736653397018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58300851742576755242012-08-21T15:35:45.044-04:002012-08-21T15:35:45.044-04:00You didn't really pull me in. The first line m...You didn't really pull me in. The first line might get me to read further, but if you want me to go on, you better have something to grab me coming up. If not, I'll put the book back and buy something else. KJ Bainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16559971493167078089noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86779566340769906202012-08-21T14:54:30.902-04:002012-08-21T14:54:30.902-04:00I'm definitely interested, though perhaps not ...I'm definitely interested, though perhaps not hooked. I'm interested in the love letters, and interested and a little confused as to why she wants to keep them secret. I would read on.Vicorvahttp://victoriaboulton.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66938863183060473872012-08-21T14:02:56.971-04:002012-08-21T14:02:56.971-04:00I'm mostly confused. I'm so focused on try...I'm mostly confused. I'm so focused on trying to figure out why you don't want to be happy about love letters and how that's trash-talking God that the diagnosis thing almost blew by me. I had to re-read, twice, to get what was happening here. Not good ever, really, but really really bad in an opening. Leah Petersenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17668989627100455974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66420555312477122422012-08-21T13:54:30.677-04:002012-08-21T13:54:30.677-04:00My opinion is a tad shaded by personal triggers in...My opinion is a tad shaded by personal triggers in terminal illness stories. <br /><br />"Smug" seems an odd word choice. These are love letters, well intentioned, I'm assuming. Smug doesn't sound right to my ears. I don't understand what "trash-talk God" means in this context. Do you mean that writing and hiding the letters is assuming she'll die, which means she doubts God? Or does she actually trask-talk God in the letters?Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21031535277441347552012-08-21T13:26:07.616-04:002012-08-21T13:26:07.616-04:00I'm a little confused. At first I thought she ...I'm a little confused. At first I thought she was receiving love letters, but by the end of this segment it sounds like she's writing them to be opened after her death. That's a pretty different mood from your first sentence. I'm also hoping for more about the diagnosis soon after this, because if she feels the need to write love letters, it must be serious--and yet, she seems so flippant about the whole thing.Lylahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10828965110399028753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63845418072006034432012-08-21T13:23:08.990-04:002012-08-21T13:23:08.990-04:00I can tell something is going on, but I'm conf...I can tell something is going on, but I'm confused. And confusion at the onset of a novel might mean I wouldn't continue, depending on what was next. Amy Sue Nathanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11294463832345078995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90908846787736930072012-08-21T12:42:46.485-04:002012-08-21T12:42:46.485-04:00No. I'm confused by to whom these love letters...No. I'm confused by to whom these love letters are written? God or some guy? And why does writing love letters make one smug? Seems like an odd word choice.Heidihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17237687110595005423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25944032162765633572012-08-21T12:08:36.836-04:002012-08-21T12:08:36.836-04:00The first line needs a rewrite. You're making ...The first line needs a rewrite. You're making smile sound like the kind of verb that describes an action, instead of just an action in and of itself.<br /><br />"Yes, of course," she smiled. <-- Like that. Which is wrong, because you can't smile dialogue. It is coming across the same here.<br /><br />The rest of it is intriguing; I want to know about the letters she's put aside and when he'll open them. After she's dead? That's a gimmick that's been used before, but I like the new take of hearing about them from the dead character's perspective.J.M. Freyhttp://www.jmfrey.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54744266271405302942012-08-21T11:17:26.640-04:002012-08-21T11:17:26.640-04:00not sure why she'd feel smug, wouldn't thi...not sure why she'd feel smug, wouldn't this be a normal part of a (assuming here) terminal diagnosis?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51152743405374147232012-08-21T11:01:32.378-04:002012-08-21T11:01:32.378-04:00I don't know, there's something about this...I don't know, there's something about this that makes me think of her as sneaky and conniving. It just seems like that wouldn't be the reaction one has to love letters.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52068576092673062282012-08-21T10:26:00.960-04:002012-08-21T10:26:00.960-04:00I like the re-write of the first sentence a lot. I...I like the re-write of the first sentence a lot. I feel the tension set up, and I'm curious about what her love-letters contain. I'm not sure how far I would read--not so much into stories about affairs--so it would depend on what the romance is about, for me, as we move into the next paragraphs.Petre Panhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09116806277306186024noreply@blogger.com