tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7058245815470128998..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: 31 Query ContestAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59091901080866103582009-08-02T00:26:14.922-04:002009-08-02T00:26:14.922-04:00The first sentence is a bit awkward. Remember, thi...The first sentence is a bit awkward. Remember, this is the first sentence of your pitch, not a newspaper headline. <br /><br />The query is unclear. Miranda's a PI, and gets help from her dead dad. There's a new guy with muscles, and yet another person -- a ditzy antiquities expert. <br /><br />This isn't a premise. This is a cast of characters. This isn't useful for helping an agent understand what the book is about. <br /><br />Who is Miranda? What's her story? Why should I want to read about her? How does her missing brother fit in? (Does he? Right now, I'm not convinced, but I should be.)<br /><br />The writer mentions this is a YA, but aside from the first sentence, the rest of the query gave me no indication. She's a PI -- that's an adult job -- and she's 18, which is legally an adult most places. <br /><br />Onto the sample page. Watch out for favorite phrases. "Magical underbelly" was used twice in the query, and here's a third. <br /><br />The writing isn't drawing me in. We've come to a nightclub, right? But I don't feel like I'm there. I'm not grounded into Miranda's point of view. <br /><br />There are some cool ideas in here, but they weren't set up enough that I'd *need* to read. So I'm not hooked.Jodi Meadowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11796496740054225283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70693713594996198642009-07-30T13:14:04.368-04:002009-07-30T13:14:04.368-04:00Your first sentence didn't make your book soun...Your first sentence didn't make your book sound special to me. In your second paragraph, I was really thrown off by an 18 year old being a PI. I read on, and then was confused by 'technicians'.<br /><br />The main reason I'm not hooked, though, is the age thing. You're writing for young adults. Yes, 18 is a teenager, but she acts like an adult, gets into bars which shouldn't allow under 21, she has a full time job. This 18 year old IS an adult.brimfirehttp://brimfire.livejournal.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6288226729294555642009-07-30T09:08:51.422-04:002009-07-30T09:08:51.422-04:00Query--you need to find another way to say "m...Query--you need to find another way to say "magical underbelly." <br /><br />I had no idea that the PI was 18. I pictured a much older person and wondered why it was a YA book. I went ahead and read the 250 and figured it out, but it should have been clarified in the query. <br /><br />The excerpt has a great voice.Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09609095934716513347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53873661930699819952009-07-30T07:45:58.011-04:002009-07-30T07:45:58.011-04:00I'd recommend getting rid of the hook line sin...I'd recommend getting rid of the hook line since it repeats what the main paragraph says. Also, I'd include more details in the main paragraph of the query about what's happening. Another sentence won't hurt it- a three sentence pitch is ideal, I think. <br /><br />The writing sample was great. No crits there.iluvspidrshttp://www.iluvspidrs.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27412866004536676932009-07-30T00:55:40.430-04:002009-07-30T00:55:40.430-04:00I would ditch the first sentence, the logline, whi...I would ditch the first sentence, the logline, which you don't need. <br /><br />I liked the one-para query--every word counts. I would shorten your credentials to eliminate the attendance of conferences and participation in courses, etc. <br /><br />The snippet would have lost me, though. Too telly. (I'm referring to the telling us about the magical underbelly--why would you rob us of the privilege of discovery--and also the 'He had to be Seducca...')Stelios Touchtidishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12015585034486383804noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62880454892288843282009-07-30T00:21:00.092-04:002009-07-30T00:21:00.092-04:00The Query: I would recommend personalization in gr...The Query: I would recommend personalization in greeting and maybe a sentence as to why you choose a specific agent.<br /><br />The first headline is catchy and the main paragraph describing the story is interesting. I'd like to know a little more about what challenges the MC will face and identify the conflict more clearly.<br /><br />I noticed that "magical underbelly" was used twice and think there might be more impact to change the second instance to some other description.<br /><br />I was hooked though.<br /><br />The Sample: Great start with the indication that something was not right immediately in the first sentence. The MC has a good voice. I would have turned the page to read more.pj schnyderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06770556738469006567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13611567973136037502009-07-29T22:21:29.333-04:002009-07-29T22:21:29.333-04:00The query should have taken us to where the confli...The query should have taken us to where the conflict first starts -- to where Miranda finds something has happened to her client, or where she discovers the conspiracy. <br /><br />The snippet is great. You have a real ear for voices. <br /><br />Mark in the Seattle areaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15869830712101370602009-07-29T19:25:06.175-04:002009-07-29T19:25:06.175-04:00WORSHIPS THIS!
That said - I think you need a lit...WORSHIPS THIS!<br /><br />That said - I think you need a littl moree than 'technicians' for baddies. Is this a big bad organization, or... med techs...?Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63782707355497953522009-07-29T18:15:02.290-04:002009-07-29T18:15:02.290-04:00The query is missing something big: conflict. Oka...The query is missing something big: conflict. Okay, her brother is missing and there is a conspiracy. What does that mean for your character? What is at stake for her?<br /><br />Character names are usually capitalized in the synopsis, not the query.<br /><br />Attending conferences, classes, and critique groups doesn't make you stand out from the crowd. The agent will hope everyone has made an effort to network like that.Bethnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55700130625294350742009-07-29T17:26:16.659-04:002009-07-29T17:26:16.659-04:00Not hooked. You condensed a 92,000 word novel into...Not hooked. You condensed a 92,000 word novel into a paragraph that didn't really tell me anything. We know who the players are but none of the story.Anjanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88550053220293393492009-07-29T16:50:23.807-04:002009-07-29T16:50:23.807-04:00This is a definite maybe from me. It's hard to...This is a definite maybe from me. It's hard to picture an eighteen yr old PI...but what do I know...a real agent would know immmediately. Noticed some typos, but I'm sure you kicked yourself already...best of luck.RW Richardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08473786472219141232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25609906142181637872009-07-29T14:45:48.877-04:002009-07-29T14:45:48.877-04:00Correction: Disregard my statement regarding the S...Correction: Disregard my statement regarding the Shadow people. I had that aspect remaining in my head from a previous entry. Sorry.Michaelhttp://michaelbroadway.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46018257682331115522009-07-29T14:41:54.047-04:002009-07-29T14:41:54.047-04:00Not hooked by your query, which is unfortunate, be...Not hooked by your query, which is unfortunate, because I love your voice in the sample. It reminds me of a gritty Mickey Spillane, Maltese Falcon, Nero Wolfe novel. The voice is perfect in it.<br /><br />But the query? Not so much. More detail and more voice. Why are these Shadow people doing what they're doing? What's the result of their action? What's the main objective of the protagonist? <br /><br />In fact, I would like to read the query as if it was written by the protagonist, with more details on why she was called in on the case. Since the voice fits the setting so well, I'm thinking it would work just as well in the query.<br /><br />Just my opinion, for what it's worth.Michaelhttp://michaelbroadway.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14553799565194805182009-07-29T13:17:05.556-04:002009-07-29T13:17:05.556-04:00Not hooked. I see what you are trying to do with t...Not hooked. I see what you are trying to do with the query, and admire concise to-the-point queries, but I agree that this feels a bit unfinished. Therefore I'm pulled out of it.Courtney Abruzzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09863947983523888169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82769423969263772292009-07-29T13:08:07.315-04:002009-07-29T13:08:07.315-04:00Not hooked. From the second paragraph, the protag ...Not hooked. From the second paragraph, the protag doesn't sound like a teen. The query comes off feeling unfinished and rushed. I'd like some more detail and more voice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37783460972601939362009-07-29T12:44:58.065-04:002009-07-29T12:44:58.065-04:00I'm actually a fan of starting queries differe...I'm actually a fan of starting queries differently, and in my opinion, anything that helps to hook the agent is good.<br /><br />In other words, I like that you started your query with a tag line. My one criticism would be to say "A teen," or "A teenage girl," rather than just "Teen."<br /><br />The query hooked me and I read the first 250 words.<br /><br />You have a great voice, and the 1st person was a good choice for that character. I'd read more.Anthony Rapinohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11581208296144295224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30873140786251035402009-07-29T11:33:30.404-04:002009-07-29T11:33:30.404-04:00I think you'd be better off leaving off the fi...I think you'd be better off leaving off the first sentence and integrating it into the next paragraph, perhaps also adding in more of the personal consequences for Miranda and what is being drained from the young people.<br /><br />Although I think the query needs a little more detail, the plot is clear, so I'd read on.<br /><br />The pages were well written IMO. This would be something I'd read.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.com