tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7059272885811771175..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Two #19Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28467137710239435672014-10-07T18:55:42.343-04:002014-10-07T18:55:42.343-04:00Love this concept! However, I think it would be a ...Love this concept! However, I think it would be a lot clearer if you made it into two sentences. Great that you kept the word count down. Also, I don't know what an original war is. I agree with above - war is probably just fine. Great job!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12890653715887264555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78794340503114646252014-10-07T16:23:17.764-04:002014-10-07T16:23:17.764-04:00Sounds like an interesting story. I'm not clea...Sounds like an interesting story. I'm not clear on the stakes, though. You're almost there -- Michael is battling rumors that God tasked Lucifer to start a war. And I can see why that's bad. But what's the outcome? Will all of the angels defect to Lucifer's side? Will the fabric of space/time unravel? Since it's Christian fiction, I would want the consequences to be something related to the beliefs of that religion, since I don't see the Christianity in this log line. (Inasmuch as Christian fiction usually has a lesson embedded about the tenets of the religion -- Anyone and everyone [myself included] writes angel stories that aren't necessarily Christian.)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05874528798069613694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10525182514007812812014-10-07T16:13:39.092-04:002014-10-07T16:13:39.092-04:00Very interesting premise. I was a little confused ...Very interesting premise. I was a little confused by the "original war" phrase, as well as "tasked Lucifer." Best wishes with this!mbrownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21145590137168052582014-10-07T15:24:50.219-04:002014-10-07T15:24:50.219-04:00I think I get what you're trying to say--how a...I think I get what you're trying to say--how about "the first war?" <br />I'd also kind of like to know who is spreading those rumors. <br />I like this idea! Good luck!Becca McCannnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37032432122347475592014-10-07T14:59:59.627-04:002014-10-07T14:59:59.627-04:00This sounds like the story starts in the middle of...This sounds like the story starts in the middle of the battle. What incites Michael's goal here? Also, why is HE the one who needs to fight this battle and what does HE have to lose if he doesn't win?<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40414142204265088182014-10-07T12:47:33.756-04:002014-10-07T12:47:33.756-04:00Very intriguing! It sounds exciting.
However the...Very intriguing! It sounds exciting. <br /><br />However the "original war" passage may not make sense to non-Bible afficiandos. (I myself didn't quite get it at first.) Perhaps exchanging "the original war" for simply "war". <br /><br />You might also experiment with rearranging the logline into two scentenes. <br /><br />Happy Writing,<br />Mia<br />{theideacatcher.blogspot.com}Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10469955355822267713noreply@blogger.com