tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7085366581075651869..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: #2 Urban Fantasy: Wicked SpiritsAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50959307122803184672011-12-06T11:51:27.674-05:002011-12-06T11:51:27.674-05:00well played :)well played :)Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29033842702141006712011-12-06T11:31:43.955-05:002011-12-06T11:31:43.955-05:00Got lucky...Got lucky...Josh Getzlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01141722943145348820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63456697661227749562011-12-06T11:27:51.546-05:002011-12-06T11:27:51.546-05:00Josh, I am calling you so many names in my head ri...Josh, I am calling you so many names in my head right now!Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79345458987360842502011-12-06T11:26:46.955-05:002011-12-06T11:26:46.955-05:00AND NOW I CAN, Full.AND NOW I CAN, Full.Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52198762825049343322011-12-06T11:26:45.865-05:002011-12-06T11:26:45.865-05:00FullFullJosh Getzlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01141722943145348820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19703369783538321232011-12-06T11:26:03.740-05:002011-12-06T11:26:03.740-05:00wait, never mind, I cvan't so 150wait, never mind, I cvan't so 150Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1396203931186536642011-12-06T11:24:45.624-05:002011-12-06T11:24:45.624-05:00FULLFULLVictoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80331002342240217002011-12-06T11:22:25.159-05:002011-12-06T11:22:25.159-05:00100100Josh Getzlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01141722943145348820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-92076534748912304952011-12-06T11:21:34.184-05:002011-12-06T11:21:34.184-05:007575Victoria Marininoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79936321767837307352011-12-06T11:19:42.594-05:002011-12-06T11:19:42.594-05:0050!50!Weronika Janczukhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02578288655500573458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53462792437553879082011-12-06T11:06:33.774-05:002011-12-06T11:06:33.774-05:001515Josh Getzlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01141722943145348820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27872931801364842962011-12-06T11:06:32.489-05:002011-12-06T11:06:32.489-05:005 pages!
Weronika5 pages!<br /><br />WeronikaWeronika Janczukhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02578288655500573458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8239279794829246042011-12-03T19:26:05.527-05:002011-12-03T19:26:05.527-05:00I loved this last month, and I still love it. A lo...I loved this last month, and I still love it. A lot. My only nits are that I think you can cut the "I offered" dialogue tag and the hyphen in "yoga breathing" (both of which I think others have suggested above, too.) And in the logline, I assume that her "drunken demon cohorts" are the same people (I mean, demons) as "her buddies," so you can probably tighten that part up to avoid the repetition.<br /><br />Other than that, all I have to say is go Wicked Spirits, go! I hope this one takes the auction by storm. =)Tara Dairmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02553180762608936696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22156303867696207262011-12-03T11:38:22.113-05:002011-12-03T11:38:22.113-05:00I like the premise and the setup, but I would also...I like the premise and the setup, but I would also recommend tightening up the prose. <br /><br />I have a special dislike for "as" as an indicator of simultaneous action, because it's usually actually being used in those situations to describe linear actions, or cause and effect. Like in "the ice clinked against his teeth as he responded." If the ice clinked, and then his response was a new sentence, that would work for me, but I don't think he'd be talking into his glass with ice against his teeth. The same with "wondered at the cruel jest my life had become as I stared down..." It's not that those things happen to occur at the same time. It's the staring down that MAKES her wonder. Compare it with "I stared down at..., wondering at the cruel jest my life had become."<br /><br />You don't need "I said, trying to start the conversation" because it's evident that she's trying to start a conversation. You don't need "wondering what I should call him," because "So, what do you go by" shows that she's wondering that. Those spots, if you take out the redundant, are ripe for little observations that further show her voice.<br /><br />I like the way the date teases out and the "throes of agony" line, but see above comments on the sweaty water. I'd like to see the dialogue and the action separated by a period so that they don't seem simultaneous. I'd also like to see "flatly" replaced by a bit more description about his grim, deadpan behavior, maybe something about his posture or his eyes? Adverbs sometimes shout out to the reader that they're shortcuts, in places where you have opportunities to let us see that behavior for ourselves. <br /><br />With about five minutes of analyzing your prose and tightening it up, this can really shine. Best of luck!Gabrielle Harbowyhttp://www.gabrielle-edits.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1156174201046197862011-12-03T06:49:37.085-05:002011-12-03T06:49:37.085-05:00The premise alone makes me laugh - she's so de...The premise alone makes me laugh - she's so desperate to end her dry spell she's willing to bring about the apocalypse? Pretty sure most of us have felt like that at some time in our lives.<br /><br />The voice of Vess is great. Her dry sense of humor is very clear.<br /><br />Looking forward to seeing more of this story in the future.KiyaRavenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08204298749029417435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75559522972258630282011-12-03T05:34:42.864-05:002011-12-03T05:34:42.864-05:00This entry has one of the best lines of dialogue I...This entry has one of the best lines of dialogue I've read in a long time: “My name can only be properly pronounced in the throes of agony.”--<br /><br />Your opening is funny and provocative with a nice tension. The very first line--"If my best friend weren't already dying, I'd kill her for this"--has a real snap to it.<br /><br />My suggestions are to not withhold quite so much--we need to know if her best friend set this up as a date or something else and also why this would necessitate a promise--and to watch the adverbs. "He eyed me COLDLY." "He looked at me FLATLY." Try to convey the mood without an adverb. I think you can do it!<br /><br />The logline premise is written well, promises some fun and thrills. I wonder if the title is a little soft for the irreverent, modern tone of your writing.Nancy Bilyeauhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03081147714919653976noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65583594176769946052011-12-02T19:33:10.574-05:002011-12-02T19:33:10.574-05:00Nothing wrong with the premise here, but if I were...Nothing wrong with the premise here, but if I were to recommend anything it would be to tighten the prose a bit. Unnecessary dialogue tags weigh this down and take away from the snappy and morbidly hilarious plot you seem to be setting up. (For example, <i>trying to start the conversation with the grim figure seated across from me</i> is definitely unnecessary, as we already know he's grim and the dialogue itself implies the conversation is starting.)<br /><br />The only other thing is that I couldn't tell if Diah set up the meet for Vess to make a deal with the horseman, or if this is a date. Might want to replace some of the unnecessary text (second example, <i>he looked at me flatly</i>) and use the extra word space to fully set up the circumstances. Loglines are part of this contest only. Remember that won't be on your first page if this is published, so all the clues have to be right there in the text. In this case, as a reader this being on a date would be more of a hook (not to mention clue me onto the fact that I, a woman, am the target reader), so I don't want to wait beyond page 1 for that info.K. Coopernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70847389389209156292011-12-02T18:59:56.582-05:002011-12-02T18:59:56.582-05:00I love the tone and character here. She's imme...I love the tone and character here. She's immediately relatable. It sounds like the ride will be hilarious and fun & I honestly can see this published. <br /><br />Good luck!Shaluhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00432878099103058385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46538722429488030322011-12-02T18:19:54.694-05:002011-12-02T18:19:54.694-05:00This makes me smile in all the right ways. Full of...This makes me smile in all the right ways. Full of snark and comedic dry wit.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04746898367201339050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13063006219926329592011-12-02T18:00:28.942-05:002011-12-02T18:00:28.942-05:00I think humor is one of the hardest things to mast...I think humor is one of the hardest things to master, and you've nailed it. I'd love to see where this plot would take me as a reader. <br /><br />Good Luck to you!Debra Anastasiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05496990581114757142noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35427510380528989842011-12-02T17:25:08.691-05:002011-12-02T17:25:08.691-05:00Walter. Bwahaha! You have a funny voice, a fun pre...Walter. Bwahaha! You have a funny voice, a fun premise. Great job.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13380826220166366026noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73256807167000366702011-12-02T16:24:50.780-05:002011-12-02T16:24:50.780-05:00Hilarious--LOVED it! My favorite so far.Hilarious--LOVED it! My favorite so far.SwiftScribblerhttp://www.swiftscribbler.weebly.com/blognoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59668423445871391582011-12-02T15:56:24.165-05:002011-12-02T15:56:24.165-05:00I loved this. The voice was great, and I loved fin...I loved this. The voice was great, and I loved finding out that she was on a blind date! With the tone and pace, I really didn't notice any of the things that some of the ohter commenters did, I just really wanted to read more!Suzehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06396823287745244542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51360561138561819692011-12-02T15:43:47.300-05:002011-12-02T15:43:47.300-05:00I also thought the "throes of agony bit,"...I also thought the "throes of agony bit," was funny, but you really had me laughing at "Walter." Plus, your log line already has me cheering for her because of the 4,000 year loveless streak. Instant sympathy vote, and it just sounds fun!Beth Hullnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74995170592121045102011-12-02T12:17:17.709-05:002011-12-02T12:17:17.709-05:00Vess's voice is great, and I think the overall...Vess's voice is great, and I think the overall premise is good. I certainly like the log line.<br /><br />For me, the first sentence is kind of cliche, and in the next paragraph almost all the sentences begin with a pronoun and the rhythm is off. You could fix that by varying your sentence types and openings.<br /><br />Also, there are too many dialog tags or attributes or whatever you want to call them. It makes the rhythm of the dialog stilted. With only two people talking you don't need to attribute every piece of dialog.<br /><br />I love the line: "my name can only be properly pronounced in the throes of agony."<br /><br />The glass of sweating ice water: is the glass sweating or is the ice water sweating? As you have it, the ice water is sweating, which isn't really possible.<br /><br />I love the sentence: "I certainly didn't plan on ending up in any kind of throes tonight, let alone agony." It goes a long way to establishing Vess's voice.<br /><br />The next sentence: the ice clinked against his teeth as he responded...can he talk and have his teeth clinking with ice at the same time? I'm having a hard time picturing this.<br /><br />And the last sentence confused me. "judging by his demeanor, probably the first and only of the evening." The first and only what? <br /><br />Overall, I think this has potential and the voice is great, but it needs a lot of cleanup and tightening. Otherwise, I'd be interested to see where the story goes.<br /><br />Good luck on the auction!M. Bailhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12811654487507824088noreply@blogger.com