tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7135929067712449955..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 33 Drop The Needle TENSIONAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49537655399069105152008-10-30T21:05:00.000-04:002008-10-30T21:05:00.000-04:00Great tension here! You're writing reflects the fl...Great tension here! You're writing reflects the fluidity of the scene. Excellent job.Michelle D. Argylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09696465137285587646noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84944855279542165672008-10-30T18:11:00.000-04:002008-10-30T18:11:00.000-04:00The POV is a bit unclear at the beginning, but the...The POV is a bit unclear at the beginning, but there’s definitely identifiable tension in this scene. Maybe add a few names of dance moves just to add some additional world building elements?LoriStronginhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10764202539292045963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84527617509491158022008-10-29T23:56:00.000-04:002008-10-29T23:56:00.000-04:00Thank you for your comments.I wrote the entire boo...Thank you for your comments.<BR/><BR/>I wrote the entire book in Melissa's POV, but obviously, I didn't succeed yet in conveying that. Good to know what to work on.<BR/><BR/>By the way, Melissa wins the solo.danceluvrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16357250951481805093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4072114250920479092008-10-29T22:19:00.000-04:002008-10-29T22:19:00.000-04:00The scene is good, but I don't like the POV shift....The scene is good, but I don't like the POV shift. I don't read 'tween books often though, is that omni/narrator POV common?Liana Brookshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14587774916354749190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42509513127193085232008-10-29T20:44:00.000-04:002008-10-29T20:44:00.000-04:00Not to be repetitive, but I wasn't sure what pov w...Not to be repetitive, but I wasn't sure what pov we were in and that kept me out of the story a bit. The tension worked nicely though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79636377453465433652008-10-29T20:19:00.000-04:002008-10-29T20:19:00.000-04:00With this scene I'm getting confused as to which g...With this scene I'm getting confused as to which girl is the MC - because you start with Jade, but we are more aware of what's going on with Melissa.<BR/><BR/>But it is definitely a tense moment! And I can't help but wonder who Peter is, since it appears he is an important character lurking in the background.Sissyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06307338341018381050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30856766111904665842008-10-29T18:58:00.000-04:002008-10-29T18:58:00.000-04:00There's definitely tension here, but I agree that ...There's definitely tension here, but I agree that telling the entire scene from one girl's POV would up the stakes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17714140290502391662008-10-29T18:24:00.000-04:002008-10-29T18:24:00.000-04:00I liked this and would read on to find out who win...I liked this and would read on to find out who wins.<BR/><BR/>I didn't know who's POV is was. I think it would take me more into the story if it was just one POV.<BR/><BR/>But I liked it.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39231996745509073192008-10-29T17:30:00.000-04:002008-10-29T17:30:00.000-04:00I'd have to agree with Sponge on picking one girl'...I'd have to agree with Sponge on picking one girl's POV for more tension, but I did enjoy it. So who was picked? :)<BR/>A nit-pick, "Thank you, girls, for this difficult decision," Miss Sylvia said. <BR/>This sentence sounded off to me. Is she thanking them for both dancing well and making the decision difficult? Or is she thanking them, and telling them the decision is difficult?<BR/>But I do enjoy the tension.Sarah Jensenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18385403676603047861noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10913863944142288292008-10-29T14:40:00.000-04:002008-10-29T14:40:00.000-04:00This is good. There's evident conflict and tension...This is good. There's evident conflict and tension. I wasn't sure who's POV we were supposed to be in, though (first para seems like Jade, the rest, Melissa.) And who is the MC, Melissa or Jade?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57272041777704447132008-10-29T14:36:00.000-04:002008-10-29T14:36:00.000-04:00Good tension, good conflict. I'm dying to know who...Good tension, good conflict. I'm dying to know who gets it! I don't know that I see head jumping as much as almost head jumping. We see Jade take the spot in the room, get in the starting pose, and do the patterns they learned. But we don't get her thoughts, etc. To make it a little further from almost head jumping you could add a "Melissa watched as..."- same thing in the beginning if Melissa sees Jade out of the corner of her eye and decides to perform really well to best her, or thinks that she won't allow Jade to intimidate her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73725746668063484812008-10-29T14:07:00.000-04:002008-10-29T14:07:00.000-04:00Prefect!Wonderfully written, and great tension!Prefect!<BR/><BR/>Wonderfully written, and great tension!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62220887138368994612008-10-29T13:52:00.000-04:002008-10-29T13:52:00.000-04:00Nicely done. The tension is: who will be picked? :...Nicely done. <BR/><BR/>The tension is: who will be picked? :)<BR/><BR/>The tension would be 'upped' a little more if you were just in Jade's head, or Melissa's head (I'm not sure whose POV you use for the entire novel). As it is, you dip us into both girls' heads, and it's hard to feel the competition, or the need of one girl over the other.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37925885313730101072008-10-29T11:56:00.000-04:002008-10-29T11:56:00.000-04:00This is nice.I really like the first paragraph, bu...This is nice.<BR/><BR/>I really like the first paragraph, but I think you don't need both the "tones and notes" surrounding her. It's okay to just say one.<BR/><BR/>The line "Melissa knew she'd performed well," could be either scrapped or rewritten to keep the reader in the scene. Maybe: Confident in her performance, Melissa left the floor.<BR/><BR/>This is a great piece, though.<BR/><BR/>Even though ballet isn't my thing, I'd definitely read more. Good job.Kathryn Hupp-Harrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03776391661543060879noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53093852990607721182008-10-29T11:40:00.000-04:002008-10-29T11:40:00.000-04:00I love this! Great job explaining the conflict wit...I love this! Great job explaining the conflict without being overbearing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com