tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7215312097678173347..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: January Secret Agent #29Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87460173172784712612019-01-31T12:03:38.094-05:002019-01-31T12:03:38.094-05:00INSTEAD OF GETTING A LOAN,, I GOT SOMETHING NEW
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How about just “almost showtime”? Try to simplify wherever you can, throughout. I think we should get a sense of whether this proposed meeting with the prime minister is surprising, nerve-wracking, etc. Should we be feeling, Oh crap they’re about to find out, or I bet they never actually make it to that meeting, etc. She responds “low and faint” and I can’t quite understand why it’s low and faint, what the emotion is behind the action. All in all, I’m not quite sure how to feel in this intro. Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61559996813018511842019-01-27T15:47:14.371-05:002019-01-27T15:47:14.371-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09055710428656973329noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32174604840200401722019-01-24T21:09:32.115-05:002019-01-24T21:09:32.115-05:00Agree on the "it's almost time for showti...Agree on the "it's almost time for showtime" would read much better as "it's almost showtime." Also, if this is set in Canada, I have never heard any Canadian use the term "African American" so that was a bit jarring for me. <br /><br />I am curious what the Prime Minster's "presentation" might be about though. AMYnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36802636540369895132019-01-24T17:20:38.528-05:002019-01-24T17:20:38.528-05:00I like that you began with action. We are curious ...I like that you began with action. We are curious as to what the speech is going to be about, but the sudden curveball of the meeting is a nice touch. For just 250 words,you have done a great job catching the attention. I would read on if there was more! I wish you the best of luck! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10695306755473324946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23848268621685929492019-01-24T15:36:39.633-05:002019-01-24T15:36:39.633-05:00I liked this. You've pulled me in with these 2...I liked this. You've pulled me in with these 250 words already! I agree with the people who've commented about "It's showtime" and "she was dressed" but those are minor changes. <br />Good job.Patriciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11512099085568969698noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68104201312159284092019-01-23T17:24:02.904-05:002019-01-23T17:24:02.904-05:00I also like being dropped into the action right aw...I also like being dropped into the action right away. This is an interesting inciting incident. <br /><br />There is a missing word in this sentence: "She dressed in a Donna Karan black and scarlet pantsuit with matching pumps"<br />I think it's "She *was* dressed in a..."<br /><br />I'm definitely interested in what happens next!<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01304433447845764528noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65513103045157270442019-01-23T15:40:54.054-05:002019-01-23T15:40:54.054-05:00I agree with the previous comment, having the word...I agree with the previous comment, having the word “time” repeated breaks the rhythm. <br /><br />However, you have an intriguing opening and I’m wondering what happens next!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11728233865753310347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7025708517437556982019-01-23T12:37:13.226-05:002019-01-23T12:37:13.226-05:00I like this. I think it has the beginnings of a st...I like this. I think it has the beginnings of a strong opening. From the start, you're placed in the middle of a event and with actions going on that make a person inquisitive. So over all, I like where this is going.<br /><br />There's only a few things I would consider doing and that could help make it stronger. Some of the wording/phrases could use some tweaking. For example, saying 'Almost time for showtime!' could be switched to 'Almost showtime!' or '..quick glimpse to her watch' to '...quick glimpse at her watch'.<br /><br />I found having Word read my MS back to me helped a lot with some things like this. What sounded good in my head, when read back, wasn't as shiny as I had thought it would be. I tend to do this every time I do an edit, even if it's just read in small sections.<br /><br />Good luck!Jennhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14581277598527258615noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80652747400196701952019-01-23T12:36:25.259-05:002019-01-23T12:36:25.259-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Jennhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14581277598527258615noreply@blogger.com