tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7216793617667375669..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: August First Line Grabber #27Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger87125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80610693151926466982012-08-11T11:16:52.425-04:002012-08-11T11:16:52.425-04:00No, not sure what's going on in the sentence.No, not sure what's going on in the sentence.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01866320252287612514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-637157016369306122012-08-11T09:37:20.882-04:002012-08-11T09:37:20.882-04:00No.No.Adopted Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16854988307087656003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58894437917254019232012-08-10T15:29:02.549-04:002012-08-10T15:29:02.549-04:00No. Too disjointed for an opening sentence.No. Too disjointed for an opening sentence.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052141159886452951noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55992130826238244212012-08-09T23:21:32.686-04:002012-08-09T23:21:32.686-04:00No. I was lost, right from the start.No. I was lost, right from the start.Britney Gulbrandsenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03637618498524496363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20917620485523232172012-08-09T22:41:24.386-04:002012-08-09T22:41:24.386-04:00no, too much, too fast.no, too much, too fast.Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09462486350293703991noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76001410737508670262012-08-09T22:07:44.803-04:002012-08-09T22:07:44.803-04:00no. You're trying to squeeze too much info in ...no. You're trying to squeeze too much info in that one sentenceEarthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80224986718721910052012-08-09T21:17:13.485-04:002012-08-09T21:17:13.485-04:00No. There is a lot going on in that one sentence, ...No. There is a lot going on in that one sentence, and it's hard to figure out what the focus is. I think you'd be better served by breaking this into several sentences.tarakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11879814735940426961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13216261737406680932012-08-09T20:50:59.203-04:002012-08-09T20:50:59.203-04:00No. Too much to try to follow.No. Too much to try to follow.Jennnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31611904488121382682012-08-09T19:13:18.880-04:002012-08-09T19:13:18.880-04:00No. The sentence is convoluted and over-written.No. The sentence is convoluted and over-written.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58605174393331464492012-08-09T15:32:31.842-04:002012-08-09T15:32:31.842-04:00No.
I have no idea what's going on here. Is ...No. <br /><br />I have no idea what's going on here. Is the MC crying? Does that mean the clones are dead? I can't tell because I don't know what species the MC is (Ship? Giant plant?) or what a rooting box is. Too much world building up front with no explanation.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40584392586391294952012-08-09T11:41:39.076-04:002012-08-09T11:41:39.076-04:00No. Seems a little wierd to me.No. Seems a little wierd to me.Book Lovernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14880860535790027682012-08-09T08:34:24.454-04:002012-08-09T08:34:24.454-04:00No. Way, way too much information that doesn't...No. Way, way too much information that doesn't make sense on first reading.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50411163839815207082012-08-09T08:24:25.329-04:002012-08-09T08:24:25.329-04:00I came back and read it again. I understand it now...I came back and read it again. I understand it now, but I shouldn't have to work that hard.Lanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09987748870291077638noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34516823769221474782012-08-09T01:31:18.467-04:002012-08-09T01:31:18.467-04:00No. I like the reference to clones, but it's d...No. I like the reference to clones, but it's difficult to read. There's simply too much going on.Tori Schindlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12350474671522596420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26157917642124613022012-08-09T01:01:33.553-04:002012-08-09T01:01:33.553-04:00No. You are trying to do too much with this senten...No. You are trying to do too much with this sentence, and it's not accomplishing anything. I've no idea what an entry pod might be. The word 'root' is used three times in the one sentence. I'm not sure how a human in a cocoon could remove anything from anywhere. Do you mean dressed in red? Just say so and your readers will have more patience.Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82798932371594729872012-08-09T00:15:30.642-04:002012-08-09T00:15:30.642-04:00No. I read it twice and I'm still confused. Tr...No. I read it twice and I'm still confused. Try starting with something more familiar instead of cramming so much new terminology into the first sentence.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09413777557796110450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45317263401739210052012-08-08T23:30:58.255-04:002012-08-08T23:30:58.255-04:00No. Is this why I don't like science fiction? ...No. Is this why I don't like science fiction? I'm totally confused.Stacy McKitrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07898731847653710759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16062250974475440122012-08-08T23:06:28.100-04:002012-08-08T23:06:28.100-04:00No. I got lost too quickly. It sounds like it coul...No. I got lost too quickly. It sounds like it could be an interesting concept (I liked "the rooting box that nutured my clones"), but might be better off explained later. And "water pooled in my eyes" really didn't catch me either.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41580194702808898652012-08-08T22:07:36.104-04:002012-08-08T22:07:36.104-04:00No. I couldn't follow what was going on. I thi...No. I couldn't follow what was going on. I think maybe there's too much info crammed into one sentence.Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11378846887890437566noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30437601107934232152012-08-08T20:39:41.526-04:002012-08-08T20:39:41.526-04:00No. Too much information that is new to the reader...No. Too much information that is new to the reader in one sentence.Mary Holmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00413720275477716972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72892135054199407542012-08-08T20:27:43.752-04:002012-08-08T20:27:43.752-04:00No. It was too wordy and to be honest I only skimm...No. It was too wordy and to be honest I only skimmed it.Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16570627401151164420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31746255975102850632012-08-08T18:56:11.571-04:002012-08-08T18:56:11.571-04:00Yes. I want to know what's going on here and w...Yes. I want to know what's going on here and why there are clones.Aightballhttp://aightball.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24754511935994997722012-08-08T18:42:14.858-04:002012-08-08T18:42:14.858-04:00No sorry, too muchNo sorry, too muchAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3790361065386570772012-08-08T18:32:01.819-04:002012-08-08T18:32:01.819-04:00No. I did understand that the narrator is not mea...No. I did understand that the narrator is not meant to be human and therefore would not describe things in the way a human would, but itwas still too difficult to follow. Was the human covered in blood? Was the creature crying? Is the entry pod part of the creature or the enviornment?Susiehttp://readcomics.orgnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41295277650711171202012-08-08T17:50:09.632-04:002012-08-08T17:50:09.632-04:00No--but I like the idea! It's just that it'...No--but I like the idea! It's just that it's too much about clones much too soon. You could do this same thing in simpler language, and I think I'd say yes--if you just directly told me that after so many years of work you're finally getting to see your clone, or something like that. Direct would do more for me, here. Description can come later.Petre Panhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09116806277306186024noreply@blogger.com