tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7216899321037543633..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #38Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51742659574856956732013-09-15T15:41:00.194-04:002013-09-15T15:41:00.194-04:00
This is a solid enough opening, but I think the r...<br />This is a solid enough opening, but I think the reader knows more about the club and the atmosphere of the evening than Jules and why she’s there, which makes it a but hard to connect. Jules is disappointed that the show is sold out- why? And why is she hesitant to use her connections to get inside? <br /> <br />Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39555981285977792462013-09-13T15:55:07.945-04:002013-09-13T15:55:07.945-04:00Lots of good hints to reel in the reader. It gives...Lots of good hints to reel in the reader. It gives you the chance to reveal complicated plot points slowly over many pages. That can be so satisfying but I had to read the passage twice to untangle the information from the setting and action. Could you rewrite these long sinewy sentences so that the purpose of each one is clearer?<br /><br /> Jenny Pessereauhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14019490125387350606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36016281000622519272013-09-12T22:10:48.860-04:002013-09-12T22:10:48.860-04:00The writing is the issue here, I think. As others...The writing is the issue here, I think. As others have said, there are a lot of convoluted sentences, particularly the opening one. My suggestion would be to act out what your character is doing. Don't do what you imagine her doing. Read the text and do exactly what you've written and you'll see why some of these sentences don't work. <br /><br />Her steps are heavy as she halts - if she halts, she's not moving, thus, she's not taking any steps.<br /><br />Walls thunked dully. - a wall can't do anything. Perhaps something thunked against the wall? Maybe the sounds of loud music thumped against the walls?<br /><br />She used the heel of one boot to pivot - perhaps she pivoted on her boot heel? <br /><br />Badly backfired - implies it may have backfired well. Ditch the adverb.<br /><br />Perhaps rewrite this for more clarity and ease of reading.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79444408936494726542013-09-12T00:01:34.936-04:002013-09-12T00:01:34.936-04:00This intrigues me. Mostly it's the character&#...This intrigues me. Mostly it's the character's personality at the first, specifically the boot pivot. Love that image.<br /><br />However, there are some things that interrupt the flow of the prose, such as "passing by on their way" could be cut down to "passing" or "on their way". Too many adverbs "she wasn't accidentally noticed had badly backfired."<br /><br />The last paragraph leaves me cold. We move from actual words to the feel of the conversation rather than letting us experience it. Also, the dropping in the memories of Matt feels out of place.Justin D Herdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01126888256820268123noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65555731918018771432013-09-11T19:51:33.126-04:002013-09-11T19:51:33.126-04:00Interesting opening. I feel your mc's disappoi...Interesting opening. I feel your mc's disappointment. I'm curious about her motivations. I think you could have given us a bit more though. Something to heighten the urgency to get in or the reason for her being there...or what exactly she was hoping to see. <br /><br />Some sentences are a little chunky and could be cut down to speed up the pace a bit. Angela Addamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00283366504707259705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89732670211267126952013-09-11T18:16:18.078-04:002013-09-11T18:16:18.078-04:00I also am curious what is going on at the theatre ...I also am curious what is going on at the theatre and why she wants to get in! I think naming this earlier will help to engage readers. This opening has a heavyness to it rather than a sense of urgency that she's desperate to get in to a concert or theatre production.<br />I think this is a case of the writing getting in the way of the story. It almost feels like the story is buried beneath wordy sentences; maybe a simpler approach, breaking up some of the longer sentences, watching for "as" which can often tack on extra "and then" stuff, slowing the pace. <br /><br />"the youth" threw me a bit because it feels very old, or maybe it's just formal. It adds to the distant, formal writing here, which is probably why it's a little tough to engage. The very end mentons a Matt, and that shows a spark of interest, so I'd read on to see what else happens. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44650478389615663922013-09-11T17:28:14.727-04:002013-09-11T17:28:14.727-04:00I think the writing structure is working against t...I think the writing structure is working against the scene. I like the way the character thinks, but there's a rather heavy dose of melodrama to the words you've chosen. And the sentences are rather long and convoluted. <br /><br />Personally, I liked the bit about Matt the most and felt like the rest of the opening was kind of filler. <br /><br />Maybe start out with that bit because it made me curious. A.G. Carpenterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07625944977710830629noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84772203158689046272013-09-11T11:17:20.263-04:002013-09-11T11:17:20.263-04:00I am very curious as to why she needs to get into ...I am very curious as to why she needs to get into the theatre. The part about the cigarettes almost threw me out. I was okay until you mentioned her feelings about cigarettes and Matt.<br />I think you have a good hook here with the theatre. Since Matt is mentioned on the first page, I assume he's important, but I'd bring him in later.R Kagannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21960050569717363112013-09-11T10:12:42.899-04:002013-09-11T10:12:42.899-04:00The last sentence completely took me out of where ...The last sentence completely took me out of where I was. Like BOOM here's Matt. Now I'm like who's Matt? Wasn't she just trying to get inside a theater? You had me until the ending.Lowenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39278764816987729682013-09-11T10:06:20.183-04:002013-09-11T10:06:20.183-04:00I commend anybody brave enough to have their work ...I commend anybody brave enough to have their work open for criticism! There are several tricky sentences in this piece that caused me to have to go back and reread. For example "The hand scrawled paper was taped from the inside of the glass window, and her steps grew heavy as Jules halted her approach to the box office." I think the second part of the sentence could be reworded and perhaps made into a stand alone sentence. The flow was a little hard to get into. Good luck and happy writing!M.T. Harrtenoreply@blogger.com