tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7224602241699037037..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: #5 First Line Grabber 500Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2737680086640180362012-09-03T17:25:49.568-04:002012-09-03T17:25:49.568-04:00Chillax, baby; don't try so hard. You've g...Chillax, baby; don't try so hard. You've got a whole book to get your story across, so no need to rush it. Or to force it to be funny, because it is, all on its own. <br /><br />Take some time with the details. Tell us more about the "weird guitar"- most kids outside of a San Fransisco commune have no idea what a sitar is, so explain the long skinny neck and small round body. Maybe tell us what Anjali looks like, or the dog. SF is a Pom, but what color? Fluffy or trimmed? A big one or a small one? Get us in the groove, bring us into the story.<br /><br />I still love your intro and bet the story is darling, but you've just got to relax and let it flow. No more espresso for you- sip some herbal tea and chant to that sitar! It'll come if you let it. <br /><br />PS~ I'd vote no on the "moniker" usage, just because I hate that word. And no kid would ever use it on purpose unless someone paid them to. Of course,your MC could be some sort of language genius, but as he farts on cue, I'd say probably not. I also don't like "auspicious", because I'm pretty sure it was translated wrong way back when. I'm always suspicious of auspicious!DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36530550916732603822012-08-31T11:52:13.624-04:002012-08-31T11:52:13.624-04:00Cute! I do like the idea of a dog going to a psych...Cute! I do like the idea of a dog going to a psychic.<br /><br />Agree with "modifier zone" - also you don't need to describe all the blocking. Like so:<br /><br />"Anjali took the weird guitar off her lap and laid it down beside her. She stood up and marched over to the desk with the phone."<br /><br />could be easily something like:<br /><br />"Anjali set her weird guitar down and marched over to the main desk." (I get that she took it off her lap and stood up to do so)<br /><br />Agree that "Pomeranian" and "special fella" could be "dog" in many instances. <br /><br />Basically it feels comical and fun, but currently too clunky. <br /><br />Also I have a mad passionate dislike for Extremely Excessive Alliteration. But that is a personal problem.Jennifer Laughrannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59025930049063094712012-08-31T10:18:28.859-04:002012-08-31T10:18:28.859-04:00I love a good fun middle grade, but this didn'...I love a good fun middle grade, but this didn't grab me-- it felt like perhaps it was trying too hard? I'd probably like this more if they author reined it in a bit. Lauren MacLeod (Strothman Agency)http://www.strothmanagency.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69317195227944778212012-08-30T10:12:58.362-04:002012-08-30T10:12:58.362-04:00This seems fun, but I had trouble getting into it,...This seems fun, but I had trouble getting into it, perhaps because it is a little overdone. As Josh said, there are a lot of modifiers.Tamar Rydzinskihttp://www.ldlainc.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17856886572250174132012-08-30T10:04:41.057-04:002012-08-30T10:04:41.057-04:00There's a lot to like in this, the voice is li...There's a lot to like in this, the voice is light and fun, easy to read. I agree with an above commenter on the use of 'moniker', not sure a kid that age would use it or if the readers would know it means name. That's all I found!Missy Fleminghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10709055591164756365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24880515298758006612012-08-29T20:05:14.104-04:002012-08-29T20:05:14.104-04:00Haha, I think you got lucky on your 500 word break...Haha, I think you got lucky on your 500 word break there. It was a good place to end. <br /><br />This is spectacular. I like the editing you did to the last sentence, splitting it up. It reads much better. This is fun, quirky, and the descriptions are great. My only critique would be to use the term "dog" instead of his name or Pomeranian all the time. <br /><br />Good luck with this! I really love it. Jadenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84015055399870789522012-08-29T19:43:13.176-04:002012-08-29T19:43:13.176-04:00I really enjoyed the wackiness of sending a dog to...I really enjoyed the wackiness of sending a dog to the psychic, and the voice is great. I'd definitely read on to see where the story goes.<br /><br />I'd be better able to believe in Anjali working if she were related to the psychic.<br /><br />As far as "moniker," I don't think the vocabulary needs to be dumbed down, but the very fact everyone's noticing it (myself included) might be a sign you should choose a less obtrusive word.Beth Hullhttp://bethhull.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33320257377476330722012-08-29T17:13:59.244-04:002012-08-29T17:13:59.244-04:00I liked this quite a bit! I love the quirky the vo...I liked this quite a bit! I love the quirky the voice and situation. <br /><br />The sentence about hearing classical music was the one that threw me. Instead of "heard" maybe he got a "faceful" of the high-pitched classical music? Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14324491231695823916noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91029412740858428292012-08-29T17:01:11.807-04:002012-08-29T17:01:11.807-04:00I think there is a lot of good energy here. I do t...I think there is a lot of good energy here. I do think that the author has entered The Modifier Zone a bit, and could use a bit of self-editing so that not EVERY noun is described. Josh Getzlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01141722943145348820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38096195106877998512012-08-29T16:04:05.713-04:002012-08-29T16:04:05.713-04:00I'd read more, fun voice and I like where the ...I'd read more, fun voice and I like where the sotry is headed. But there are so many darn colorful, creative, witty, and descritptive adjectives....geewizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05851827620960530141noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4785449145340287712012-08-29T15:07:45.670-04:002012-08-29T15:07:45.670-04:00I liked the sample a lot and I second the comment ...I liked the sample a lot and I second the comment not to dumb the vocabulary down. Keep the sentence structure clear, but a few visits to the dictionary is part of the reading experience. If Fancy Nancy can teach kids to expand their vocabulary, so can you. Plus, my 6 year-old is enjoying listening to The Chronicles of Narnia, even if he cannot read it himself. If the story is interesting, people keep reading. Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31249238947788272642012-08-29T13:09:58.757-04:002012-08-29T13:09:58.757-04:00Really funny. I like the friction between the two ...Really funny. I like the friction between the two characters, and your mc seems likeable.<br /><br />Don't feel like you need to dumb anything down. Fifth and sixth graders are capable of learning new vocab.Parkerhttp://www.parkerpeevyhouse.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44349757229211372072012-08-29T12:48:42.804-04:002012-08-29T12:48:42.804-04:00The voice sounds quirky. I like that.
I agree wi...The voice sounds quirky. I like that. <br /><br />I agree with the other comments on the second sentence of paragraph two. <br /><br />I would read on, but I'm not sure your target audience would. Words like "moniker, ambiance, and auspicious" aren't in an average MG reader's vocabulary. <br /><br />You have a nice style. Good luck.Milhaudnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44605518137997571582012-08-29T12:47:32.866-04:002012-08-29T12:47:32.866-04:00Oh, and I just thought of one other thing. Keep in...Oh, and I just thought of one other thing. Keep in mind that for this age group, you typically write older characters. So having a sixth grade protag means your audience is more likely to be be in grades 3-5--all the more reason to simply some of the sentence structure.Amanda Hnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71193231080935581942012-08-29T12:39:57.537-04:002012-08-29T12:39:57.537-04:00I'd keep reading. There's some great humor...I'd keep reading. There's some great humor here (love the dog's name), and Jacob has a strong voice.<br /><br />A few comments, however: I'm not sure the average sixth-grader would use the word "moniker" (in "he cringed at the stupid moniker.") Seems advanced. But I'm OK w/ Anjali saying "ambiance" and "auspicious" because already she strikes me as the sort who reads the dictionary and thesaurus for fun.<br /><br />And, because you're writing for MG, keep an eye out for your sentence structure. ninidee commented on the second sentence in the second paragraph; it may have jumped out due to its being lengthy and somewhat convoluted.<br /><br />This last part is my editor-self jumping in (I work at an educational publishing company). Be sure you check the US Youth Labor Laws and make sure Anjali isn't working longer hours than she'd be permitted to by law. :)Amanda Hhttp://amandahelms.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10427610005614471322012-08-29T11:25:30.980-04:002012-08-29T11:25:30.980-04:00The voice sounds fun. It reminds me of a tale like...The voice sounds fun. It reminds me of a tale like Because of Wynn Dixie or even The Magicians Elephant.<br />I found myself smiling while reading which is a good thing. <br /><br />The second sentence of the second paragraph reads strange to me. Maybe some simple rewording will make it flow a little better.<br /><br />Sounds like a fun story, I'd continue reading to see what the psychic tells the dog. I'm also curious as why someone would send their dog to a psychic.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com