tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7239870241603997259..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round One #35Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91677184210090570422014-09-23T23:51:13.925-04:002014-09-23T23:51:13.925-04:00How will learning to control the sword get him hom...How will learning to control the sword get him home? Or does his goal change once he decides to help these people? If so, the getting home goal should be cut from the logline and his new goal emphasized.Jennifer Kayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00151358290264027095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5646877420205737832014-09-23T22:04:16.901-04:002014-09-23T22:04:16.901-04:00I like the 'washed-up basketball player' p...I like the 'washed-up basketball player' part. It helps identify the MC and garners empathy for him. I'm assuming he has to escape the Vacant Ones to get home? If so, you could use them as the stakes. Something like - <br />...get home. But to do so, he must learn to control the sword of power and evade the Vacant Ones who hunt him (not sure if that works for you. see what you thinkSujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57663847152256908752014-09-23T22:02:18.432-04:002014-09-23T22:02:18.432-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1040651210625593292014-09-23T21:52:07.842-04:002014-09-23T21:52:07.842-04:00If his goal is to return home, then everything els...If his goal is to return home, then everything else you present here must be something stopping him from doing so and I cannot see how helping these people or controlling this sword are going to help him get home.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10926646165657268632014-09-23T18:28:56.164-04:002014-09-23T18:28:56.164-04:00I think you've got way too much here. It reads...I think you've got way too much here. It reads more like the first part a query than a logline. I started to lose interest after the first line. Stick to just the major conflict.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06213374083665800577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27308118116624107132014-09-23T17:02:52.559-04:002014-09-23T17:02:52.559-04:00"Jim did, after all, uncovered..." doesn..."Jim did, after all, uncovered..." doesn't work for me. "Jim did, after all, uncover..." or "Jim had, after all, uncovered..." or even "Jim, after all, uncovered..." but I think you should just drop the qualifier completely. Jim uncovered a sword of power, but...Timothy Gwynhttp://timothygwyn.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86936795639859331442014-09-23T13:47:57.820-04:002014-09-23T13:47:57.820-04:00When washed-up basketball player Jim Thompson fall...<br /><br />When washed-up basketball player Jim Thompson falls into a parallel world ruptured <b>(is ruptured the best word choice? I don't think it fits)</b> by rebellion, his goal <b>(if you said something like all Jim wants is to get home, might be better, using goal is kinda bleh </b> is to get home <b> new sentence! </b><br /><br />Now the second sentence I don't have as many suggestions for so far. You've got all the right things, but I think the part about the sword could be left out. And I want to know who befriends him? K.A.Simonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11842815107091475444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23946267206313477762014-09-23T12:25:28.239-04:002014-09-23T12:25:28.239-04:00This is good stuff. Split the first sentence into ...This is good stuff. Split the first sentence into 2. I'm assuming you're going with a "I can't get home so I might as well help these people" motif, and if so, make that more obvious. If not, why is he helping instead of running and hiding? Also, who are the Vacant Ones? <br /><br />I like where this story is going but it does sound a little like the inexperienced WASP goes and saves all the indigenous people...a story that's oft-repeated, that agents are well over with, and that tells a dangerous story about race and sex. I'm sure that's not what you did, but that's what it sounds like, so make it more clear that that's not what's going on. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24274425092404506232014-09-23T12:22:33.749-04:002014-09-23T12:22:33.749-04:00Focus on what makes you story different. Mention b...Focus on what makes you story different. Mention basketball, but not 'his goal is to get home'<br /><br />What's special about the usurper? Why annihilate?<br />What's special about the sword? Is it god-forged? <br /><br />Right now, this reminds me of too many other stories. You want to stand out. And that's tough in less than 75 words.ikmarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09211122590810154080noreply@blogger.com