tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7295587233580860706..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 50 Words #40Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78817475059950942062010-04-24T06:17:32.615-04:002010-04-24T06:17:32.615-04:00I'm not a fan of starting with the weather eit...I'm not a fan of starting with the weather either. Nothing much is happening, so I'm not hooked based on this sample, but if you had 250 words my answer might be different :-)Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81512637440943287612010-04-23T20:16:31.250-04:002010-04-23T20:16:31.250-04:00I like the graveyard. Not sure I'd open with t...I like the graveyard. Not sure I'd open with the weather though. It does help set the scene, but maybe start with the graveyard and not the heat. If I ignore the first sentence, I'm hooked.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3115565240873293832010-04-23T09:45:36.750-04:002010-04-23T09:45:36.750-04:00I'm not hooked, I'm afraid. Nothing is ha...I'm not hooked, I'm afraid. Nothing is happening or seems likely to happen soon. And the voice didn't grab me. Sorry.Vicki Tremperhttp://www.vbtremper.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57079719769568022792010-04-23T00:30:17.436-04:002010-04-23T00:30:17.436-04:00Didn't like the hot, sticky heat of the sun. ...Didn't like the hot, sticky heat of the sun. Sticky heat is caused by humidity--what a quibble, huh? The use of "window" twice in the short passage could be cleaned up. I would read on though. Interesting setup.Clairehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09609095934716513347noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52904058371587675662010-04-22T23:32:09.159-04:002010-04-22T23:32:09.159-04:00I think I agree with jj--while it starts something...I think I agree with jj--while it starts something rolling as it is, I think it could be more engaging.Jon Paulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07824815967445843124noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71707033245814462122010-04-22T20:11:04.795-04:002010-04-22T20:11:04.795-04:00I can see a YA developing here...scene isn't a...I can see a YA developing here...scene isn't all that unique but you have the potential of sucking us into a terrific new summer-graveyard-big surprise plot.<br />Would like to read more.Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17061926361615154525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50161431750301167802010-04-22T19:51:09.326-04:002010-04-22T19:51:09.326-04:00I like this. It introduces the character enough a...I like this. It introduces the character enough and gets me asking questions that will keep me reading for the next few paragraphs to see where things are going.Amanda the Aspiringhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10983953436816551075noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11159353233822854362010-04-22T17:43:10.143-04:002010-04-22T17:43:10.143-04:00There's a nice flow to the sentences--this is ...There's a nice flow to the sentences--this is good writing--but I find this piece unengaging. There is no undercurrent of tension and no conflict; it's just scene-setting. <br /><br />And that's not a flaw, but it doesn't do as much work as it could to draw your reader in. Even descriptions of scenery can be laced with intrigue and foreshadowing to snare the reader's interest.jjdebenedictishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16950592240599703771noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71042347839219561782010-04-22T16:52:29.370-04:002010-04-22T16:52:29.370-04:00I'm hooked, too, but your could polish your pr...I'm hooked, too, but your could polish your prose. The first sentence could be tighter. I would break it into two sentences for more tension.<br /> <br />Also, a grammar nitpick: The end of the last sentence reads as though the grieving friends and family are now bound under lock and key (plus I would reverse that to family and friends -- family usually grieve the hardest, so I would put them first). <br /><br />I enjoyed this opening. Good luck!H. Grantnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62286497308297187622010-04-22T14:31:36.085-04:002010-04-22T14:31:36.085-04:00The first sentence doesn't hook me, but the se...The first sentence doesn't hook me, but the second one has me intrigued! Maybe consider ditching the first one? Or combining them?Jill Wheelerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15059527254551768150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45892763022285801212010-04-22T14:29:20.876-04:002010-04-22T14:29:20.876-04:00I like it and am hooked, but the voice doesn't...I like it and am hooked, but the voice doesn't sound right for YA.Jean Viola Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09411412962083731682noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59167930635254146872010-04-22T14:16:55.620-04:002010-04-22T14:16:55.620-04:00I like it. Hooked. I would like it tightened up a ...I like it. Hooked. I would like it tightened up a bit - the window to my window .. but I'm hooked regardless.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02256217565297149218noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76672071290514332592010-04-22T12:37:04.941-04:002010-04-22T12:37:04.941-04:00I liked it. Would read on. What happened that the ...I liked it. Would read on. What happened that the graveyard is locked?Kristinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13095264668972996587noreply@blogger.com