tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7311648515290177636..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: OTB Logline Critique #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42024569410203486992015-11-20T09:37:59.293-05:002015-11-20T09:37:59.293-05:00This is loads of fun. The sentences are a little c...This is loads of fun. The sentences are a little choppy with too many commas, and I don't think we need the quick thinking part, but it is a very fun logline. Susan Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88611532835028055962015-11-20T02:42:19.360-05:002015-11-20T02:42:19.360-05:00Okay, I love this, it's super cute. Not to get...Okay, I love this, it's super cute. Not to get repetative but the first sentence could be two. Besides that I just wanted to understand a little more about why he thinks he'd be sent back to the pet store...and, again repeating the others, is he in his cage? Is he free in the house? Reading through it quickly it's just fun and intriguing but when you stop to think about it it gets a bit confusing.Shay(The Story Goes...)https://www.blogger.com/profile/01151431634999072166noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91571372410265246272015-11-19T16:49:01.452-05:002015-11-19T16:49:01.452-05:00I love the idea. I love the first sentence; I thin...I love the idea. I love the first sentence; I think it's enough.Sussuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10060179011416062341noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42455092979127412692015-11-19T13:46:34.712-05:002015-11-19T13:46:34.712-05:00I really like this concept too, and overall I thin...I really like this concept too, and overall I think the logline works well. But after seeing the other comments, I have to agree that it isn't quite clear whether or not Wink is running around loose in the house after he avoids getting eaten by the snake -- and if he were loose, the likelihood of getting eaten by the cat instead would surely be his biggest problem! So it wouldn't be a bad idea to try to come up with a simple way to clarify that.L.C. McGeheehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09841984739098231057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11525429019377960052015-11-19T13:21:02.256-05:002015-11-19T13:21:02.256-05:00Cute concept. Love the mouse escaping his fate as ...Cute concept. Love the mouse escaping his fate as snake food. Not sure I believe he'd be worried about being returned to the pet shop. He's a mouse on the loose in a house. There are far more survival dangers before he could even be caught. And if he is caught, I'd expect him to go back to being snake food, not returned to the pet shop.Jennifer Kayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00151358290264027095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41808354227065741952015-11-19T11:42:51.181-05:002015-11-19T11:42:51.181-05:00Love the premise! The first sentence could be brok...Love the premise! The first sentence could be broken into two. It sounds like the hamster has two jobs: a. escape from the cat and b. convince mom he's a perfect pet - or he's returned to the pet shop. And did a pet shop ever sound more ominous? : - ) Clear it up a bit but I think it works. Helennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1790601900193317502015-11-19T11:29:17.290-05:002015-11-19T11:29:17.290-05:00This sounds really cute, and I like a lot of what ...This sounds really cute, and I like a lot of what you have here, especially the first sentence--though I might be tempted to split that into two separate sentences for impact. <br /><br />I get a little confuses after that, however. Does he escape the snake and is loose in the house, trying to also escape the cat? If so, then it wouldn't be back to the pet shop--he'd just get eaten by the cat, right? So what is going on, and how does it buy him the chance to change his fate? I need a little more specificity here to get an idea of what story is being told.JKnoreply@blogger.com