tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7378720957248824437..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: On The Block Concession Crit #3Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41018111327191397552017-02-08T19:00:26.134-05:002017-02-08T19:00:26.134-05:00Really great writing. The "Geraldine's e...Really great writing. The "Geraldine's eyes" line was my favourite, and I love how you set it apart from the other paragraphs for impact.<br /><br />Everyone else said this, but it occurred to me as I was reading it as well, so I'll echo that you shouldn't need to explain what "bonsoir" means. Even those that don't know the word can guess what it means based on the context, and the line that comes after it will confirm their guess.<br /><br />I don't like the name of the house, La Maison des Fantômes. It seems really obvious, and why does the house even have a name? If there's a reason it's named, I would introduce the reason.<br /><br />I love the title. Alliteration is a cliche for a reason...it works!Andrewnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1448452230071585332017-02-08T13:37:27.583-05:002017-02-08T13:37:27.583-05:00Wow! The logline is perfect, and the opening is be...Wow! The logline is perfect, and the opening is beautifully written and definitely makes me want to keep reading. So atmospheric, and I can almost hear a movie voice-over reading the first few paragraphs. Minor quibble: the word 'mysterious' in the first paragraph to describe the house feels a little on-the-nose. Can you use a different word here, maybe something that describes the house physically (two-story, decrepit, etc.) without using a word that describes how someone would react emotionally to seeing the house (feeling that it's mysterious)?jkolinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67885592555087352252017-02-08T11:53:36.765-05:002017-02-08T11:53:36.765-05:00I'm going to preface this by saying that I'...I'm going to preface this by saying that I'm not usually one for an omniscient narrator (I'm mostly drawn to more modern-sounding, very close POVs), but you're doing something right with this because you pulled me in, omniscient narrator and all! :) You've definitely got a timeless, MG voice that is VERY hard to pull off. (Seriously, this narration style is super hard to do well.) And I think that's because while it is distant, it doesn't feel distant. If that makes any sense at all. Plus, it's creepy! Anyhow, my two cents here is to start with the second paragraph. That one is much stronger than your first paragraph, and you can always cut and add pieces of that first paragraph in as we follow Geraldine in this first chapter. And while usually starting with a bunch of description is a no-go, I think it works here because Geraldine's description is lively and voicey. I don't think you need to define the French -- it's only one word and the reader can approximate what it means from the context. I think removing that first paragraph will also help because you can then get to her conversation with Mr. Thompson faster. Best of luck with this!!! <br />-author Gail Nallgailecnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08004265486129312885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59001065845208359182017-02-07T21:58:37.639-05:002017-02-07T21:58:37.639-05:00Love the first paragraph. The writing feels very t...Love the first paragraph. The writing feels very timeless and Southern, and I really enjoy the feeling it invokes. I would not explain the French except in how the 'listener' responds. And Mr. Thompson's bones drew me from the story ... I don't equate a ghost with something solid.Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08334805667163665312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84937774691447430932017-02-07T18:13:23.999-05:002017-02-07T18:13:23.999-05:00You almost lost me at "there is a grand old h...You almost lost me at "there is a grand old house ..." because passive openings like this are almost always verboten - but something made me kept reading. Maybe the rhythm, the reference to Louisiana (which makes me think of voodoo and supernatural and southern). And I like it. A lot.<br /><br />If you're a first-time novelist, you might not want to try this opening paragraph on agents because their overworked eyeballs would likely recoil instinctively from the passive, staccato style without realizing that it's intentional. I'd probably trim it, keeping as much of the style as possible, and get to the second paragraph faster.<br /><br />But if there were a published book - it's dead on. I so want to read the rest of it.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03634899168648157127noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87807900076005583492017-02-07T17:06:01.995-05:002017-02-07T17:06:01.995-05:00Oh, yes, cranky old ghosts! Give me more.
I like ...Oh, yes, cranky old ghosts! Give me more.<br /><br />I like the rhythm of the opening paragraph. (Which will make you *headdesk* because I see that other critters aren't as fond of it.) <br /><br />A little tightening will help overall (after the book is finished I suggest a pass for extraneous words).<br /><br />For example: ...and was prone to carrying exactly three books in her satchel at all times.<br /><br />To keep with your characterization of her, "and was prone to carrying" could be tightened to "and carried". <br /><br />Much good luck with this. I would read on immediately.Alice Loweeceyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09269785237562203610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60405636227414024072017-02-07T16:14:05.234-05:002017-02-07T16:14:05.234-05:00I really like this concept. And I love the descrip...I really like this concept. And I love the description of Mr. Thompson and his characterization. I want to see more of this in the opening paragraphs. You can do a bit of rearranging so there isn't so much exposition describing the scene. Move the part with Mr. Thompson to the first paragraph and then describe a bit of the cemetery. I wanted to see what happened next!sewitschorkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00470045563589329401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79652840954999066612017-02-07T15:01:44.480-05:002017-02-07T15:01:44.480-05:00This is lovely! I love the voice, and I'd tota...This is lovely! I love the voice, and I'd totally read on. The first paragraph has a lot of 'it's, so try and do a little rearranging. And I think you can cut " bonsoir, of course, meaning good evening in French", that is understood from the context.H. R. Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06715450637785127208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-1466115256370430362017-02-07T13:53:33.324-05:002017-02-07T13:53:33.324-05:00I don't read fantasy but I'd read this one...I don't read fantasy but I'd read this one! Love the concept. And clearly, you're a strong writer.<br /><br />I like the details you weave in effortless. The first line is a winner.<br /><br />My critiques:<br />1. Too many sentences in first graph beginning with it is or its. Would be quite easy to change it up. For example: The mysterious house is cobwebbed and covered in Ivy. OR Geraldine Grey is its keeper. <br /><br />2. The last line of the 2nd paragraph and the 3rd could be combined to be more effective. For example:<br />Her most important feature, however, were her eyes. Eerie white, except for the faint black ring separating her pupils, they allowed her to see ghosts.<br /><br />3. I don't think you need to explain to the reader what bonsoir means. It's too on the nose. The groundskeeper already explains it by saying "I don't see what's so good about it." <br /><br />I found myself wanting to read beyond the excerpt!<br /><br />DurangoWriter (author Mandy Mikulencak)<br /> Durango Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14854000354374970070noreply@blogger.com