tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7473590572380668051..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #18Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23824021972674853252014-09-11T22:18:18.665-04:002014-09-11T22:18:18.665-04:00Only use a prologue if your story can't possib...Only use a prologue if your story can't possibly stand without it. I can't imagine that your story can't stand without this letter. The letter isn't revealing much of anything that 2 sentences later on in the text couldn't clear up.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5474358617019047882014-09-11T02:10:09.027-04:002014-09-11T02:10:09.027-04:00I am a little confused as to why a soldier in cont...I am a little confused as to why a soldier in contemporary Afghanistan is writing handwritten letters like it's WWII, particularly ones that don't say anything interesting. Open your story whenever this guy actually had something to say. <br /><br />Also punctuation. By my count, you have for extraneous commas and one missing Oxford comma.katzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05077638000151243257noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39830942185036846292014-09-10T22:24:15.546-04:002014-09-10T22:24:15.546-04:00I agree that the letter might not be the strongest...I agree that the letter might not be the strongest opening here. We get that he's been sheltered and that Afghanistan is strange to him, but we expect that anyway.<br /><br />I was having a hard time putting my finger on a time period for this. It sounds like a WWII time frame from some of the vocabulary, like Pop and don't fret, but Afghanistan makes me think it's contemporary. Just curious about when it's set.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08110213933809568684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42675070723322606342014-09-10T15:29:26.593-04:002014-09-10T15:29:26.593-04:00I don't mind letters (or emails) in novels, bu...I don't mind letters (or emails) in novels, but the last paragraph/sentence pretty well describes this one. Why not start off with a sensational letter? This one tells us nothing about the character or his problem, except for the weather. <br />:)<br />jonathan3dhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05379975395372054926noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37531079761177513652014-09-10T13:59:34.090-04:002014-09-10T13:59:34.090-04:00My personal opinion is that I don't like lette...My personal opinion is that I don't like letters in books. However, based upon your title this may be perfectly appropriate.<br /><br />The first sentence didn't work for me starting out with his age. Perhaps you could add something to draw it out and make it flow better? In fact, the first time I read the excerpt my eyes skipped over the first sentence altogether. Something about its length and the following formatting made me jump right over it.<br /><br />Critiquing like this makes it sound like I only saw bad things, which is not true. In reality, my first time through left me intrigued and wanting to know more about what's going on.<br />Bill Dhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13653854818275657368noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19983628020629275202014-09-10T13:57:01.239-04:002014-09-10T13:57:01.239-04:00Okay. I really think you shouldn't add in the ...Okay. I really think you shouldn't add in the "Twenty year old, Jake Gatlin, put his pen down and re-read his letter." and if you feel you must... at least erase the comma after year old. But don't do it. <br /><br />Also I would add the location. If he's deployed, there's no way he's revealing his location. If he's not a deployed soldier, ignore that part :) <br /><br />Is his mother not proud of the letter, or of what he's doing? Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18304987001735754561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29076435526464267712014-09-10T13:55:28.518-04:002014-09-10T13:55:28.518-04:00I am firmly in the camp that argues prologues, 99%...I am firmly in the camp that argues prologues, 99% of the time don't work.<br /><br />This one doesn't for me. There is nothing wrong with your writing. At all. But what's wrong with the story is I don't care about your MC. Sorry, just because he's at war, doesn't immediately make me care. I'm fact, it might make it harder to care. We don't know if he's going to survive and if this is really mom's story, or girlfriend Beth's story. <br /><br />See the problem? <br /><br />I need to care about your MC and your story in the present tense of your story. <br /><br />But I'm a self proclaimed prologue hater. Grain of salt.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com