tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7482704559619412159..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: February Secret Agent #22Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-38088476980182586542012-02-18T16:32:01.039-05:002012-02-18T16:32:01.039-05:00The end of this section is great. I love the doubl...The end of this section is great. I love the double images of the boyfriend in the basement and her in the bedroom. (It almost feels like a movie.) The first paragraph is also strong. How much of the long second paragraph do you really need? Is their camping trip pertinent to the story? You want to get to the phone call as fast as possible, that is where you hook your reader.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33539104765249486812012-02-17T11:55:14.910-05:002012-02-17T11:55:14.910-05:00Love the cliff hanger...I want to know who the cal...Love the cliff hanger...I want to know who the caller is. I also can relate to the anxiety produced from the worries of the unquiet mind. There is a lot of exposition in the second graf, so that's something to consider. I would definitely read on.KSZ714https://www.blogger.com/profile/00265130375228712819noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33419499586906121322012-02-16T09:49:12.436-05:002012-02-16T09:49:12.436-05:00I like the premise but I find very little sense of...I like the premise but I find very little sense of immmediacy. The opening sentence is powerful, but diffused by the fact that she has just been camping. I wouldn't explain the second sentence, just let it stand- don't give away the coming action. Help me find the kernel of action other than 'normality'.<br /><br />A little soft but I'd like to see where you're going.SMKraftynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17543604211046099362012-02-16T07:05:04.816-05:002012-02-16T07:05:04.816-05:00I think the jump to backstory happens too soon. Yo...I think the jump to backstory happens too soon. You establish a degree of tension with a phone call in the middle of the night - which almost never brings good news - and then jump out of it. I personally would rather see her struggling to wake up, find the phone, turn on the light, etc., while the thoughts of 'who died?' bang around in her head.JeffOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947660745120963286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37396427948428817692012-02-15T20:02:39.251-05:002012-02-15T20:02:39.251-05:00I would also like this better if we started in the...I would also like this better if we started in the scene. However, I do think the first paragraph sets up some nice stakes. Is there any way to fix the second?Alleged Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04869021184116123477noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50590030355013623572012-02-15T13:52:26.745-05:002012-02-15T13:52:26.745-05:00I'm not sure the flashback nature of this firs...I'm not sure the flashback nature of this first page is doing you any favors. The first paragraph gives away the fact that Anne is going to get some awful phone call, so the sense of foreboding is a little artificial. Then, because this is a flashback, that second paragraph should probably be in past perfect tense, at least to start (i.e., "...even though she and Mickey, her boyfriend of five months, HAD arrived home to Key West...").<br /><br />I'd like this better if we started off right in the scene and then you gave us some images and sensory details to tip us off that something terrible was about to happen. That way, our anxiety would grow with Anne's, and we'd be a lot more emotionally invested.<br /><br />Good luck!Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-32920114009858645242012-02-15T11:17:28.641-05:002012-02-15T11:17:28.641-05:00Ooo la la - I like. I think you did a great job of...Ooo la la - I like. I think you did a great job of fitting in pertinent information in your first 250 - botany an easy task. In my opinion, you did it a pleasing manner - no info. dump. The plot is intriguing. Enjoyed this.Adopted Goddesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16854988307087656003noreply@blogger.com