tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post759319191954154369..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: September Secret Agent #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23032346883616013232015-09-25T19:54:09.964-04:002015-09-25T19:54:09.964-04:00I wanted to know more about the cleansing but was ...I wanted to know more about the cleansing but was drawn in by the description of the horses. If it is sci fi - watches, binoculars - are they pat of this new world?Beverley Bairdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12973073253078139054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46955023110746942192015-09-25T12:34:43.234-04:002015-09-25T12:34:43.234-04:00The biggest thing I can say in this is “show don’t...The biggest thing I can say in this is “show don’t tell”. You’re telling us that the wild horses should be here soon, and follow that with a repetition that they don’t have to wait long. Because I don’t know why the horses are so important, the heavy descriptions (though I do love the white canvas splashed with black ink line!) of them all is a bit lost on me. I’d also love to have more of an age marker for Cam — is he a toddler, pre-teen, etc. If the horses come out the eve of the first full moon of every month, how has Cam never seen the horses especially if he IS older? Further, in your world building, do we get multiple full moons in one month? (in real life it’s more of a rarity than, here, it seems like multiples always happen). Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5117860046632646502015-09-23T16:55:27.283-04:002015-09-23T16:55:27.283-04:00This was nice. It was interesting and read well. M...This was nice. It was interesting and read well. My only suggestions would be to cut the sentences where your MC is talking to me. Your characters should only talk to other characters, not the reader. For instance, the MC is telling me that the horses come on the eve of the full moon. Perhaps let her tell that to Cam.<br />Fortunately, we don't have to wait long, could be cut, since that is evident as soon as the horses show themselves. Cut anything that is an explanation to the reader, and if it's important, work it in through action and dialogue.<br /><br /> Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91741980607866416822015-09-23T14:28:31.772-04:002015-09-23T14:28:31.772-04:00I love your description of the horses. I would lik...I love your description of the horses. I would like to know a little more about what the Cleansing is but I assume you get to that later ;) <br /><br />Also, in the sentence - . Sitting here for hours didn’t bother me, but it seems too much for my impatient best friend. - I feel like doesn't would work better as everything else is present tense :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02958909504244701603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35436440211232962212015-09-23T13:37:24.986-04:002015-09-23T13:37:24.986-04:00The description of the horses was just enough. Any...The description of the horses was just enough. Any more and I would have skimmed. I also like the last line though you might try a stronger line to pull in the reader better. We can assume he's never seen the horses before by his impatience. Maybe give us something else from him or in addition to that line. Good writing!Terri Tiffanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07771622379178654235noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40780040633054507332015-09-23T13:36:12.354-04:002015-09-23T13:36:12.354-04:00The description of the horses was just enough. Any...The description of the horses was just enough. Any more and I would have skimmed. I also like the last line though you might try a stronger line to pull in the reader better. We can assume he's never seen the horses before by his impatience. Maybe give us something else from him or in addition to that line. Good writing!Terri Tiffanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07771622379178654235noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24116590844603096432015-09-23T13:10:03.086-04:002015-09-23T13:10:03.086-04:00This sounds so great!This sounds so great!Wendy Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10326816435723118863noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60810928849962650152015-09-23T13:09:55.767-04:002015-09-23T13:09:55.767-04:00This sounds so great!This sounds so great!Wendy Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10326816435723118863noreply@blogger.com