tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7692228227910924063..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Talkin' Heads #20Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-431932587869243692016-10-17T00:48:20.654-04:002016-10-17T00:48:20.654-04:00Hello, I'm here to introduce someone to you al...Hello, I'm here to introduce someone to you all, his name is Dr.Ekpen Temple a spell caster that help me restored my broken relationship, I saw an article on the Internet someone talking about him how he help her in her relationship, today I'm a beneficial of that article, so that is why I'm also talking about how he has helped me so that someone out there that is facing the same challenge can also contact him for help. Here is DR EKPEN TEMPLE contact info: (ekpentemple@gmail.com) or on Whatsapp number 2347050270218.Gloryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11125928389426370946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-62301621414855592752016-09-23T18:16:33.989-04:002016-09-23T18:16:33.989-04:00As a UF reader, you've hooked me with the vamp...As a UF reader, you've hooked me with the vampires are real, werewolves are not scenario.<br /><br />I get that the werewolf chatter is mimicking how people talk about vampires in our world. But it was a little mundane, as in there was nothing new added. It didn't really push the plot or their characters from what I could tell (I see I might be alone there). I like it and think it needs to say, but it should also be condensed.<br /><br />This sentence "The path we’ve been following from this map keeps going straight" reads unnatural, and I see it tripped someone up too. I suggest- The map says we need to go straight….<br /><br />The last two paragraphs feel wordy, hand-feeding info to the reader, if that makes sense.<br />Think- It's just a blip, like the GPS (trust that we know what you mean)<br />No, 'cause it obviously just keeps going that way.<br />H. R. Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06715450637785127208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14528067898247595182016-09-23T15:32:31.406-04:002016-09-23T15:32:31.406-04:00Your second paragraph needs some attention. "...Your second paragraph needs some attention. "But those novels in bookstores with threatening covers—eyes filled with contempt, strange tattoos, edged weapons.” That's not a complete sentence or a complete thought. I can see what the speaker is implying, but without a tone of voice description or an action tag, it is a bit lost. I like how their dialogue forwards to plot, and it's not all back and forth, but still shows their personalities.Kristinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09265807445132566181noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81427200246294725762016-09-23T11:38:11.192-04:002016-09-23T11:38:11.192-04:00Some of these sentences could be trimmed down. It...Some of these sentences could be trimmed down. It has a formal sound which is probably not what you are going for.<br /><br />For example the "isn't that just some tiny blip" sentence could be "Glitchy Map?"S.D.Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05707682524268581476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50280212797228385952016-09-22T18:41:38.455-04:002016-09-22T18:41:38.455-04:00This is an interesting conversation, but I got los...This is an interesting conversation, but I got lost in the middle and couldn't tell who was talking. One or two more dialogue tags or even action beats should clear that up. <br /><br />The other part where I got confused was this line near the end:<br /><br />“This makes no sense. The path we’ve been following from this map keeps going straight. But you can see where the trail we’re walking on goes.” She gestured to the left, where the trail curved.<br /><br />I had to read it a couple of times because I thought "the path we've been following" referred to the actual path on the ground. But if I understand correctly, it means the one on the map. I think you could clear it up just by cutting the words "we've been following" and changing it to read: <br /><br />"The path on the map keeps going straight, but the trail we're on goes that way." She pointed to the left.<br /><br />One other quick suggestion. I don't think you need the analogy about the GPS. It felt like overexplaining something that was already clear. (I struggle with this a lot in my own writing.)<br /><br />Good work on this dialogue and thanks for sharing.amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.com