tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7790761572535050854..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Public Slushpile #11Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73990091062607274422012-03-22T14:40:42.879-04:002012-03-22T14:40:42.879-04:00No. The first two paragraphs include a lot of pass...No. The first two paragraphs include a lot of passive sentences (e.g., "When Audrey's mother is murdered, she's sent to foster care"), which only underscore the fact that Audrey doesn't seem to be making many decisions on her own, and the last two paragraphs read more like a synopsis than a query.Krista Van Dolzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08830193414560232842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19617130201402041982012-03-22T11:13:41.079-04:002012-03-22T11:13:41.079-04:00Yes. The voice is compelling.Yes. The voice is compelling.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11607291218714097810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18958166765755978292012-03-22T09:42:12.261-04:002012-03-22T09:42:12.261-04:00No. Love the voice, but the quotes in the last par...No. Love the voice, but the quotes in the last paragraph don't really work for me and I'm not very fond of female MCs who think a boy can melt away all of their problems. Could just be me, though.Elizabeth Hollowayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14137733615625501785noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91856608453179503362012-03-22T07:23:02.139-04:002012-03-22T07:23:02.139-04:00No. I have no idea what the plot is, what the sta...No. I have no idea what the plot is, what the stakes are and I'm really thrown by there being dialogue in a query.CMnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-379980923805395362012-03-21T23:16:53.188-04:002012-03-21T23:16:53.188-04:00No. There's not enough information about what...No. There's not enough information about what the plot is. The query is all set-up.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9994667872326924702012-03-21T22:44:30.291-04:002012-03-21T22:44:30.291-04:00No. A bad situation, but no indication what the st...No. A bad situation, but no indication what the story might be.Tracy Holczerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626923883424982455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60389432882841718152012-03-21T21:51:34.680-04:002012-03-21T21:51:34.680-04:00No. I think there's a lot of potential here, ...No. I think there's a lot of potential here, but the last paragraph turned me off. I also have a little trouble with the transition from Audrey's mother's murder to her not being able to go out with Zach - is that what she'd be most concerned about?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16047192012474777648noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3384397371501785382012-03-21T21:42:23.819-04:002012-03-21T21:42:23.819-04:00No - Who's Zach, and what's the significan...No - Who's Zach, and what's the significance of the throbbing vein that it made it into the query?Lindsay Kitsonhttp://lindsaykitson.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17286276211811013162012-03-21T20:20:58.705-04:002012-03-21T20:20:58.705-04:00No.
Is this a romance? Is it about a girl learnin...No.<br /><br />Is this a romance? Is it about a girl learning to respect herself or mature into wanting more from a relationship? Is it a murder mystery? What's the main conflict?Laura Hughes, MittensMorgulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00934132671168843593noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-59823556381060398782012-03-21T20:05:02.343-04:002012-03-21T20:05:02.343-04:00NO. The query is tight, but it feels like Audrey d...NO. The query is tight, but it feels like Audrey doesn't do much, like she's a victim the whole way through.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87457029045749762972012-03-21T18:34:56.061-04:002012-03-21T18:34:56.061-04:00No. This query needs less, not more. Sentences lik...No. This query needs less, not more. Sentences like 'So, she doesn't... better.', spoil the subtlety of what came before.S L Jenanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07380200649705113056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-72141070605423972242012-03-21T18:27:10.967-04:002012-03-21T18:27:10.967-04:00No. As said before the query doesn't have a ce...No. As said before the query doesn't have a central focus screaming out at the reader, but the voice seems interesting.Mia K Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559392161390047500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23679408298280673692012-03-21T18:10:01.114-04:002012-03-21T18:10:01.114-04:00Yes. Great voice, and great hook at the end.Yes. Great voice, and great hook at the end.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052141159886452951noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21322023618818833242012-03-21T18:08:12.428-04:002012-03-21T18:08:12.428-04:00Yes, but you almost lost me on the last paragraph ...Yes, but you almost lost me on the last paragraph when Zach shows up, thick vein pulsing, etc. I would tighten up that description, not that this is a query critique! The story itself sounds compelling, falling in love with someone who is almost off limits, a foster brother.Sarah Floydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11202671048418865629noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11434983395265108682012-03-21T17:38:23.338-04:002012-03-21T17:38:23.338-04:00No- as others stated, interesting elements float t...No- as others stated, interesting elements float throughout, but the query overall lacks focus on what the main plot and conflicts are. I actually like the idea of romantic tension btwn girl & foster brother; while not typical, a 17 yo could end up in the system, and very real threat to be split from siblings.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3968696085205618592012-03-21T17:32:03.982-04:002012-03-21T17:32:03.982-04:00No. I agree with everything other naysayers above ...No. I agree with everything other naysayers above posted. The story is interesting, but there are a few things that didn't quite "get there." First, 17 year old in foster care? Seems too old to be placed in a foster home, I would think that 15 would be better suited. Secondly, what is this story about? You need to start your letter with action and give us a sense of what the main conflict is here. Like others said, I'm not sure if she's going to be thrown in the middle of some murder conspiracy, if she will be trying to solve her mom's murder, or if this is just some romance novel. I also didn't like the last paragraph, it doesn't belong in the letter and just takes up much needed space.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-54547516522013121432012-03-21T16:47:54.492-04:002012-03-21T16:47:54.492-04:00No. The idea feels a little far-fetched and slight...No. The idea feels a little far-fetched and slightly icky for me. Can’t imagine why they’d put a seventeen-year-old in foster care or split the family when one is that old (depending on the sibling’s ages, of course). And she crushes on her foster brother? That’s a level of wrongness right there.<br />Honestly, Zach’s presence seems minor and it feels as if he can be easily dealt with.Aldrea Alienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05652344290376563676noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9859054736942859702012-03-21T16:41:03.539-04:002012-03-21T16:41:03.539-04:00No.
The "romance with foster brother" a...No.<br /><br />The "romance with foster brother" angle almost hooked me, but overall the query lacks focus -- you've got unnecessary info dump (is her ex-boyfriend relevant, other than calling her a whore at school?) and the writing is all over the place. Is this about Audrey finding love with Caleb? About solving her mother's murder? It's unclear.Alexanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70466355361493475252012-03-21T16:08:35.679-04:002012-03-21T16:08:35.679-04:00No.
She hates men but the first conflict w/ her n...No.<br /><br />She hates men but the first conflict w/ her new foster family is over a boy she wants to date? Color me confused. <br /><br />Plus the query wandered off into narration-land and never set up the stakes or the choice she faces.Leah Petersenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17668989627100455974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57240834200920678132012-03-21T15:52:49.051-04:002012-03-21T15:52:49.051-04:00No. But I agree with Tina, who said it could be a ...No. But I agree with Tina, who said it could be a yes. You had me until the last paragraph, which, I agree would be much stronger without the quotes.Stephanie Gnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83643828696073721842012-03-21T15:15:40.319-04:002012-03-21T15:15:40.319-04:00Yes.
I'm connecting with the voice here. Tha...Yes. <br /><br />I'm connecting with the voice here. That last paragraph pulled me toward "No" but I think I would give this author a first page read to see how the story starts off.Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09521315180241354286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12640125562773128642012-03-21T14:49:21.014-04:002012-03-21T14:49:21.014-04:00No- doesn't really grab me- no real tension.No- doesn't really grab me- no real tension.SMKraftynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12779431410987646342012-03-21T13:54:36.394-04:002012-03-21T13:54:36.394-04:00No.
The last paragraph/dialog excerpt didn't ...No.<br /><br />The last paragraph/dialog excerpt didn't work for me because it's more a setup for her problem (being outed), and I don't have any idea what the real problem and stakes are (is she going to have to fight for her life, did Zach kill her mother, is she going to have to solve her mother's murder, is she going to have to face embarrassment?)Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47134028357238673742012-03-21T13:27:54.138-04:002012-03-21T13:27:54.138-04:00No, the voice felt forced and the last half felt l...No, the voice felt forced and the last half felt like a scene from the book instead of a query. What is Audrey's hard choice and what are the consequences?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01052604405996474436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39285799198447322022012-03-21T13:21:15.722-04:002012-03-21T13:21:15.722-04:00No. Although it's an interesting setup, it'...No. Although it's an interesting setup, it's only a setup; I don't get a sense of where we're going.Kathleenhttp://www.kathleenbasi.com/blognoreply@blogger.com