tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7845598822194277442..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Three #36Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88271293945957668212012-10-20T20:20:57.408-04:002012-10-20T20:20:57.408-04:00Talyn's ability to transfer death between peo...<br />Talyn's ability to transfer death between people enables the king to exploit his talent to incite a war. Only by committing treason, and relying on the honor of a convicted murderer, can Talyn save thousands of innocent lives.<br /> <br />It's more condensed, but is it still in your voice? And what will happen to Talyn if he refuses? Does the king threaten him with death? Or death to his family or friends? <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Barbara Bateshttp://barbaralbates.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22997538416080869672012-10-18T17:40:01.159-04:002012-10-18T17:40:01.159-04:00I think this is a good hook. I like skywriter'...I think this is a good hook. I like skywriter's rewritefor the last line to make it more concise. Best of luck!Emilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12668397125356949829noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67782789245431260242012-10-18T14:19:05.143-04:002012-10-18T14:19:05.143-04:00I like Jane Doe's rewrite, but I'm wonderi...I like Jane Doe's rewrite, but I'm wondering if there's a specific person Talyn is interested in saving, among the thousands of innocents. If so, adding that to the stakes would increase the urgency and the emotional response.Abbe Hoggannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85429875078153270282012-10-18T13:30:47.467-04:002012-10-18T13:30:47.467-04:00I would suggest replacing "such miracles"...I would suggest replacing "such miracles" to "his talent" to be more specific. I think making the last half more active will help: Talyn must partner with a convicted murder--and risk treason--to keep thousands of innocents [who are they? perhaps name them] from dying etc...<br /><br />I think a more straightforward approach in a pitch is best; choose strong verbs and specific details to convey as much as possible in such little space. I know--TOUGH. Nice job so far, and good luck.Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11747782273145461372012-10-17T11:01:24.106-04:002012-10-17T11:01:24.106-04:00You are dancing around the goal here. What does he...You are dancing around the goal here. What does he want and why will these obstacles make it difficult to achieve? We need to know this as soon as you incite the story.<br /><br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88782662131794276302012-10-16T21:48:47.925-04:002012-10-16T21:48:47.925-04:00You have a really intriguing hook! I like the firs...You have a really intriguing hook! I like the first sentence, but the second sentence is a bit awkward. I had to read it a couple of times to get it. Maybe pull out one of those phrases or find a way to reword it? gailecnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08004265486129312885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5192383423588827022012-10-16T12:59:41.737-04:002012-10-16T12:59:41.737-04:00I like it but her is an attempt to shorten the log...I like it but her is an attempt to shorten the logline: <br /><br />When his ability to transfer death from one person to another is exploited by the king to incite war, Talyn must commit treason to save thousands of innocents.<br /><br />JaneDoenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44200445631599869082012-10-16T12:48:36.858-04:002012-10-16T12:48:36.858-04:00Interesting point, Skywriter. I originally ended ...Interesting point, Skywriter. I originally ended the sentence that way to convey that Talyn feels responsible for what's happened, but perhaps something more succinct like, "dying due to his misplaced trust." might be less confusing.Chrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07768990128419496674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35544304302064483102012-10-16T11:56:52.954-04:002012-10-16T11:56:52.954-04:00I agree with skywriter about the last line. I agree with skywriter about the last line. Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74662591517757838672012-10-16T11:45:16.631-04:002012-10-16T11:45:16.631-04:00This sounds interesting, but there's too much ...This sounds interesting, but there's too much going on. I'm assuming "his foolish mistake" was that he trusted the king, and "one man's selfish pride" is about the king, or maybe some other character, but it becomes too complex. It would be tighter and easier to follow by ending here: <br /><br />Now, only by committing treason, and relying on the honor of a convicted murderer, can Talyn keep thousands of innocents from dying. Sarah Floydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11202671048418865629noreply@blogger.com