tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7935089906667513360..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: Are You Hooked? First Page #15Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88857158210478917452008-04-13T17:27:00.000-04:002008-04-13T17:27:00.000-04:00I'm hooked because I'm curious to see whether she ...I'm hooked because I'm curious to see whether she actually assassinates the person!<BR/><BR/>But it needs tightening. I think maybe you could eliminate the first full paragraph altogether (I found it confusing), and just jump right in with: "She slipped her black gloved fingers into the pouch." ...Authoresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88931348368303690732008-04-11T09:45:00.000-04:002008-04-11T09:45:00.000-04:00Almost! I like that it starts at step three and I ...Almost! I like that it starts at step three and I like the voice. Gets a little muddled towards the end though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42890591307071117792008-04-10T22:26:00.000-04:002008-04-10T22:26:00.000-04:00Not totally hooked...I agree with needing a name a...Not totally hooked...I agree with needing a name and something to get me into the MC right away.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-92010720547748635072008-04-10T21:39:00.000-04:002008-04-10T21:39:00.000-04:00I think this could be a yes, but as is, I have to ...I think this could be a yes, but as is, I have to say no. There's too much filler in the beginning, making me want to skip past to get to the good stuff. And I have no idea how she feels about what's going on: nervous? bored? cautiously careful? I need to connect with the mc to be hooked into her circumstance.<BR/><BR/>There are also a couple of errors in the final para (the comma separating the woman's dialogue from the word "Amigal"; and the "found")Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-78426374452890079972008-04-10T20:31:00.000-04:002008-04-10T20:31:00.000-04:00The beginning feels like it goes about getting to ...The beginning feels like it goes about getting to the point the long way around. I'd make some chops and cut back a bit on her narrative voice. Love assasins.<BR/>This ones a strong maybe, but I'm not hooked at this point.D L Jacksonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03005096541408308851noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16233192797152308082008-04-10T19:20:00.000-04:002008-04-10T19:20:00.000-04:00Sorry. I'm immediately hung up on what step one an...Sorry. I'm immediately hung up on what step one and two are. Then I'm not bonding, but that's most likely because I'm not cememted in this assassin's head and a name upfront would of course help.<BR/>It also took me a re-read to get the dialogue to start the last paragraph wasnt Amigal's. The comma after Gwringmb, and not knowing point of veiw's name until now, or me being a sloppy reader could be the reasons. But I so love assassin's, and with some tweaks you'd have me gobbling words. <BR/>Thanks for sharing.Arlenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13009609859622288428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70565293791628409602008-04-10T18:45:00.000-04:002008-04-10T18:45:00.000-04:00The opening didn't grab me. The whole assassin thi...The opening didn't grab me. The whole assassin thing does, but the cumbersome narrative about being ridiculed takes something out of the act. I also feel like you rush the assassination, which removes us from the action, from your character and what she does. What you want to do is just the opoosite--you want to bring the reader over by the hand, put their hand on the victim's neck, feel their heartbeat treble as they realize death has come from them. <BR/><BR/>Some stories need to make a reader reach for that squidgy wet thing hiding under the bed. They need to force them to get close, to touch it. This feels like one of those stories. Show us what it is to be an assassin, to take a life.Angela Ackermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01808259088625142389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13381499466953232542008-04-10T16:23:00.000-04:002008-04-10T16:23:00.000-04:00YES, but only if you give us her name right away. ...YES, but only if you give us her name right away. ;) <BR/><BR/>I love assassins, but my comments on nameless third person narrators holds. I loathe them--so I'd be tempted to read on b/c the MC is an assassin, BUT I want to have her name at the start, otherwise I'd be too annoyed to continue. :P<BR/><BR/>Good luck,<BR/><BR/>~MercMerchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14164221022350926808noreply@blogger.com