tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7971419452417417609..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 32 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16256869029605778552009-07-17T17:07:12.678-04:002009-07-17T17:07:12.678-04:00Not hooked but could be. There was something abou...Not hooked but could be. There was something about it that I couldn't put my finger on, and then I read Being Beth's comment.<br /><br />I don't sense you in the story. I don't know if I'll explain this well or not, but it feels written -like a writer wrote this, like you were thinking about how the words worked on the page. It feels writery, rather than confessional. (I know, that sounds dumb.) But you're not coming through (unless you're a very bland, monotone kind of person, and I'm guessing you aren't.)Barbnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44944674304592005762009-07-16T22:16:42.154-04:002009-07-16T22:16:42.154-04:00I'm not hooked primarily because I think you n...I'm not hooked primarily because I think you need another round or two of revisions. <br /><br />To be honest, I don't think you are writing from your heart. You are relating this important metamorphosis from the outside looking in rather than the other way around. <br /><br />Go ahead and let this thing bleed on the page. Then I think I'd be totally hooked. <br /><br />Don't give up.Being Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17257332079795227626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22303328282689963222009-07-16T14:13:46.441-04:002009-07-16T14:13:46.441-04:00I liked it, but was a little confused by the "...I liked it, but was a little confused by the "underwear foundation" paragraph.Amintanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39590822384368457422009-07-16T11:48:13.529-04:002009-07-16T11:48:13.529-04:00Wow - this isn't typically what I read, but it...Wow - this isn't typically what I read, but it intrigues me.<br /><br />I think I'm hooked!Sarah Erberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15364100717989701019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50489448112631633962009-07-15T21:30:08.988-04:002009-07-15T21:30:08.988-04:00The history and life and times of your character--...The history and life and times of your character-- well, actually, you-- really sparked my interest. I agree with Secret Agent and the others about the telling. As a fellow memoir writer, I have went back and forth from framing story or not framing story. Start as present day adult and reflect back, or start at the beginning and let the jacket copy set up the story... So, I know what you are experiencing. I am finding my first 250 words do not grab the attention right away because I END that chapter with what flips my little world upside down. There should be some compelling action here instead of just backstory... <br /><br />I would actually leave out that things didn't go as planned. Let us wonder if you did become successful actress... just as one idea.Query-A-Dayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06403531785846541267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89874057024169849322009-07-15T20:29:16.182-04:002009-07-15T20:29:16.182-04:00I have a feeling, based on what was in the last pa...I have a feeling, based on what was in the last paragraph, that there could be something interesting to come, but I didn't feel any pizazz to make me want to stick around.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56425812049584249842009-07-15T15:10:36.843-04:002009-07-15T15:10:36.843-04:00Not hooked--I see a lot of these types of memoirs ...Not hooked--I see a lot of these types of memoirs come through the slush pile and this one doesn't seem (so far) to have anything new to say. <br /><br />Also, I found the first three sentences to be a little boring--I think the 4th paragraph would have worked better as an opening.<br /><br />This seems very tell-y to me. You might want to consider starting with a memory, story or incident rather than an introduction to capture readers' attention first.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63605117580071960852009-07-15T14:48:55.420-04:002009-07-15T14:48:55.420-04:00I liked the lead with the foundation bit, and gin/...I liked the lead with the foundation bit, and gin/kissing anecdote, but then it started to read like summary because there's so much telling: "Things didn’t proceed quite as I had imagined them, but landing in a<br />city where I knew no one and no one knew me set me free."<br /><br />It would be more grabbing for me if we either had more sense of the character or the story problem right away, and less of the last 20 years in a sentence or two.JohnOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04761555703224981053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-83599865198620154722009-07-15T14:29:55.966-04:002009-07-15T14:29:55.966-04:00This has an Evita feel to it to me, but only becau...This has an Evita feel to it to me, but only because I recently watched the film. Small town girl goes to city to become an actress and dyes her dark hair platinum blond. <br /><br />The middle-aged part is different. I'd see where you are going with this...Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35593722299141396972009-07-15T13:56:02.067-04:002009-07-15T13:56:02.067-04:00I agree with Jamie too many "I" sentence...I agree with Jamie too many "I" sentences, found it distracting. <br /><br />Didn't really care for the character even though I am of that age...Gayle Hedringtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01771876679139737652noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73044292360784784692009-07-15T13:25:20.742-04:002009-07-15T13:25:20.742-04:00I think the sloe gin paragraph should come later, ...I think the sloe gin paragraph should come later, not in the first 250 words. The rest is great and it would help us get to the meat sooner. I like it and would read on though I agree with the comments about the "I" sentences.Courtney Abruzzohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09863947983523888169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49630164086492078342009-07-15T13:09:45.812-04:002009-07-15T13:09:45.812-04:00This interests me, but I couldn't get over all...This interests me, but I couldn't get over all the 'I' sentences. Also, sloe gin makes me pause, and you use it twice- I would cut that down to once.<br /><br />I am definitely intrigued though. I would like to jump a little more into the action though... I am guessing that your story gets REALLY interesting in the next 250-- I bet that part totally hooks me!~Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08872228115110257474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91184014763687053612009-07-15T13:08:00.246-04:002009-07-15T13:08:00.246-04:00Being of "a certain age" myself, this in...Being of "a certain age" myself, this interests me and I would continue. <br /><br />You may want to consider that 12 of your sentences begin with "I" and that is repetitive and distracting, imo.<br /><br />Good luck!!!Amy Sue Nathanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13854920309673361956noreply@blogger.com