tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post7972296447477281512..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: 27 Drop the NeedleAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23176437871166842662009-05-12T18:41:00.000-04:002009-05-12T18:41:00.000-04:00I found this interesting but I was confused at tim...I found this interesting but I was confused at times. I would add a couple of tags to clarify who's speaking. One other comment, a small nit: "I am sorry." to me didn't sound natural - "I'm sorry." works. Small.<br /><br />I'm really curious why this woman hates being human so much. I'd keep reading.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49824815603336324952009-05-08T23:13:00.000-04:002009-05-08T23:13:00.000-04:00I was unclear on who had said "Stop!" It sounded l...I was unclear on who had said "Stop!" It sounded like Sechra was furious with Changing-Woman. I had to read it a few times to realise that Sechra was feeling Changing-Woman's emotions at Sechra's intrusion.<br /><br />Maybe something like:<br />"Stop!" Changing-Woman cried.<br />Sechra felt fury tighten her throat and churn in her stomach. Then her mind shook free of Changing-Woman's and she could feel her own emotions again.<br /><br />That would clarify it, I feel.<br /><br />I like the rest of it though.Jadanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9671869891009899472009-05-07T11:22:00.000-04:002009-05-07T11:22:00.000-04:00I like it a lot - really well imagined.
I don't t...I like it a lot - really well imagined.<br /><br />I don't think you need 'her voice thinned' - not sure how that works anyway - and then in the next par describe her voice as thin.<br />I'd prefer for the teacher to have a proper name - Changing-woman is a bit forced.Keznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57836094373270649762009-05-07T10:23:00.000-04:002009-05-07T10:23:00.000-04:00I really liked this, but found all the dashes a li...I really liked this, but found all the dashes a little distracting. I also do this sometimes. I'll watch mine in the future to.<br /><br />The writing was interesting though.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67699321785986087132009-05-07T09:40:00.000-04:002009-05-07T09:40:00.000-04:00I like your story. It kept me interested and left ...I like your story. It kept me interested and left me wanting more. <br /><br />I agree with the comments above.<br /><br />One recommend change -Her voice was light as ever.- <br /><br />I had to think about what that means, instead of flowing along with the story.<br /><br />Thanks for submitting.Andreahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06271568784548301527noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-5390885998942573672009-05-06T20:44:00.000-04:002009-05-06T20:44:00.000-04:00I was confused as to who was saying "Stop," so thi...I was confused as to who was saying "Stop," so this didn't work for me. Perhaps you're purposefully making that first part of the paragraph ambiguous, to show one mind entering the other, but I had to read it over a few times to get it. <br /><br />Mark in the Seattle areaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25939197366569398872009-05-06T20:38:00.000-04:002009-05-06T20:38:00.000-04:00Echo TKA. Very nice scene and I'm interested in w...Echo TKA. Very nice scene and I'm interested in where this goes. My only comments are:<br />"only the wish to be and to know other creatures" sentence doesn't work for me personally. I'm not sure why there would be something underneath a light voice. It just doesn't mesh. And if you can explain it better, than I would only have "to be" OR "to know" but not both. It bogs down.<br />I'd make I am sorry into I'm sorry for a more natural speech pattern.Jessie17noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56783607986911412532009-05-06T16:07:00.000-04:002009-05-06T16:07:00.000-04:00I completely agree with theflightytemptress.
Two ...I completely agree with theflightytemptress.<br /><br />Two very small suggestions - <br />1)Perhaps letting the declaration "Stop!" stand on its own and starting a new para with the decsription of what's happening to Penelope would make clearer who is talking and who is reacting physically.<br />2)The "But" after Changing-woman says "Didn't you?" tripped me up a little. I think it flows more naturally w/o it.TKAstlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15853167834460094772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69032582716087562922009-05-06T12:31:00.000-04:002009-05-06T12:31:00.000-04:00Yes, very well done. You've described a complex pr...Yes, very well done. You've described a complex process clearly and concisely. Kudos!<br /><br />My only complaint is the number of dashes and dots. Maybe it's my own issue, but whenever I see so many elipses and dashes, I feel the need to brush up on my Morse code. It's what makes reading Dan Brown's books impossible for me. Most of the ones here are unnecessary.<br /><br />Otherwise, nicely done.Mark Orrnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-508483592468798532009-05-06T10:08:00.000-04:002009-05-06T10:08:00.000-04:00This is good. I think the idea is creative, the w...This is good. I think the idea is creative, the way you describe it. (I've seen entering animals before, but you have a distinct voice.) <br /><br />My only constructive comment is near the end. The sentence "Her voice rose, thinned" sounded too similar to "voice came high and tin" so I'd play around with that, see if you can't find a different way Changing-woman would react to what just happened in such a manner as Sechra would notice.<br /><br />But yeah, cool. I'd read more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com