tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post801930174652126184..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: February Secret Agent #20Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9273349579896455552013-02-23T06:36:05.723-05:002013-02-23T06:36:05.723-05:00While I do think your writing has potential, I wou...While I do think your writing has potential, I would have to agree with a number of other comments/suggestions. <br /><br />I think Heather puts it nicely when she says:<br /><br /><i>The hook has to be something else about the character--a struggle that happens to take place within the landscape of HIV.</i>Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53034673385087770642013-02-21T21:09:31.448-05:002013-02-21T21:09:31.448-05:00Hrm. I don't know if I agree with previous com...Hrm. I don't know if I agree with previous comments. I don't think it comes off as you trying to use HIV as a hook - I actually really like this opening. I think it's an effective introduction to the main conflict your character's dealing with, nothing more, nothing less.<br /><br />As for the sort of expository feeling of the first three paragraphs? It gives the character a frank and unsentimental voice, in my mind, not voicelessness. The only part that comes off stiff to me is "I'm forced into a different charade," just because it's so passive.<br /><br />I might tweak the very beginning a little, though. I'd suggest this:<br /><br /><i>"My name is Tanya Rivers and I'm HIV positive." That's how it begins. Say you're HIV positive ...</i><br /><br />I'd also change your last sentence because it's grammatically ambiguous as-is:<br /><br /><i>Downtown always reminds me of skyscrapers and crowds and stores, things I've only seen a handful of times, in Chicago or St. Louis.</i><br /><br />(you will definitely see skyscrapers more than a handful of times if you're in chicago. :P)<br /><br />Of course, as much as I do like this opening, I will say that you probably could find something more character-connected and less disease-centered that could be even more effective for a wider range of people. Even just judging from the comments, I can see you'll probably get a bunch o' questions regarding this approach.Riley Redgatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11630001267841081266noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20322346974136897692013-02-21T11:07:15.587-05:002013-02-21T11:07:15.587-05:00The writing is clean and the voice is good, but I ...The writing is clean and the voice is good, but I probably wouldn't read on.<br /><br />I'm going to say the same thing I say about alll "big issues": HIV, abuse, cancer, infidelity... these are terrible, terrible things; unfortunately, they're also very common things that we've become numb to. Lots of people suffer these things, so these things aren't the hook. To make your story stand out, it can't be "about HIV." HIV is not the hook, especially not today. <br /><br />The hook has to be something else about the character--a struggle that happens to take place within the landscape of HIV. <br /><br />The exposition about HIV isn't working for me because it's not connected to a character and it comes off as emotionless lecture. Start with the character and an immediate problem.Heathernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70373289412591106432013-02-20T17:44:02.103-05:002013-02-20T17:44:02.103-05:00I am definitely intrigued and think you have a goo...I am definitely intrigued and think you have a good start, but I'm a bit hung up on it being "contemporary" and yet set in 1993. Reading the first paragraph, for example, as a current-day story threw me off, because HIV positive seems like a well-known term now and we don't yet know that the story takes place 20 years prior. I also agree with Kristi's comment on "That's how it will all begin" - that threw me off a bit. Laurennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41109080632312051722013-02-20T16:17:52.092-05:002013-02-20T16:17:52.092-05:00There's so much that I love about this entry. ...There's so much that I love about this entry. I'm definitely intrigued enough to want to know more. I love her voice. But I would tend to agree that it needs some rearranging and perhaps a little more showing of her emotions.<br /><br />What if you started with the first paragraph as is (except I'm not sure you need: That's how it will all begin). Then move to the 3rd paragraph and change the first sentence to something that acknowledges her fear:<br /><br />For the past week, I've been doing my best not to be consumed by my own fear... (something better than that but you get the idea--maybe add in a physical reaction). <br /><br />I'm not sure what to do about getting across the fact that it's still the early years when people don't have much knowledge about HIV pos and AIDs. Maybe instead of using a year, you need to think about what her emotions would be about being HIV positive... I'm not sure what her story is but for example, let's say that she's straight and she's been in a relatively monogamous relationship. Maybe then she'd be thinking... Jeez, how the hell did this happen to her? That might clue us in to it being in the past a bit. You've already given us a clue with the first paragraph. <br />Great start!Kristi Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18392604886780801530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50249698690983568482013-02-20T15:15:07.727-05:002013-02-20T15:15:07.727-05:00Please include her thoughts and feelings about bei...Please include her thoughts and feelings about being HIV positive. She's got to be scared, maybe mad, guilty, and more. Let me feel her breathing and writing.fictionwriternoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46703381941233672182013-02-20T10:04:38.372-05:002013-02-20T10:04:38.372-05:00Your basic premise seems promising. I'm wonde...Your basic premise seems promising. I'm wondering, however, if you need to begin with so much exposition; the first three paragraphs read almost like a lecture. Have you considered starting with paragraph 4? The HIV stuff would seem less lecture-y if it came <i>after</i> we got to know the protagonist a little. You might sort of dribble the information into the text so that it didn't come all at once. If you were wanting to keep the lecture vibe, you could reframe the material later on as the protagonist gearing herself up for something (as I expect she may be doing). Coming this soon, before the reader has a chance to develop any emotional investment in the story, it seems out of place. I do think that you're heading somewhere interesting.Kemhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11170435287657382520noreply@blogger.com