tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8084062286993898670..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: #12 1000 WordsAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51299503979455743242009-05-01T03:39:00.000-04:002009-05-01T03:39:00.000-04:00I have 2 points with this: I guess it's old fashio...I have 2 points with this: I guess it's old fashioned, but what I learned from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, vampires ARE dead. Three days after they die from the vamp feeding on them, a demon takes over their body. And they smell bad, and are cold and don't have a heartbeat.<br /><br />But the vamp rules have changed, apparently. Okay.<br /><br />You might make me believe if you decided whose story this is. If it's the vamp's, boring. If the girl's, wow. I could stand to read the rest. I think I'd like to see the vampire physically deteriorating from AIDS, flesh dropping off, teeth crumbling, getting uglier and uglier, and he can't die.<br /><br />Yeah, guess I don't care much for vampires.galvinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45464922942473066882009-04-30T11:45:00.000-04:002009-04-30T11:45:00.000-04:00The only part that really grabbed me was when he l...The only part that really grabbed me was when he leaned in aggressively. Then I realized he was in a possibly crowded bar, and the illusion of the story faded too quickly. The idea that she would "out" him didn't play well enough, because there'd be little (based on what is here) that she could threaten him with. I'm also concerned that the premise (even with the HIV twist) is a bit overdone. The writing isn't bad, but its hard to really get a feel for either character. And the hook to know more (for me anyway) didn't really happen until the last sentence, when she declares her reason. My advice would be to take the intensity you used to create the tension he builds while leaning towards her, and spread it around to the rest of the story. You have the ability, you just need to find that impacting voice earlier on and keep it throughout.Erichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07823808700523297184noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10878093185558107162009-04-30T09:27:00.000-04:002009-04-30T09:27:00.000-04:00This reminded me of a Saturday Night Live sketch w...This reminded me of a Saturday Night Live sketch where James Woods was a vampire and just as he was about to bite his victim, he pulled out a card of questions to find out if she was likely to have HIV. So, I was wondering about a Vampire tasting HIV blood, but then, he's immortal, so, no problem. But I also think that HIV isn't exactly a death sentence. Hasn't Magic Johnson had it for a couple decades? Maybe you need something more urgent.<br /><br />As far as being compelled to read further, I'd have to say no. I liked the scene in the bar, but I would need more of a hint of story to read on - does Phoebe have important things she needs to do? <br /><br />Also, the mention of his having fed on her 8 months ago threw me off. Wouldn't she remember that? That would put a whole different slant on their first conversation - I know you're a vampire, I have the scars to prove it. Also, now that they are alone, what's to stop him from killing her instead of turning her?<br /><br />Good luck!Sheila JGhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15371582292020275894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-36544749519242069252009-04-29T21:20:00.000-04:002009-04-29T21:20:00.000-04:00There was enough here to draw me in. Like many oth...There was enough here to draw me in. Like many others I struggled with the persistent POV changes. Pick a character and stick with them (at least for the scene). <br /><br />Please bear in mind that what follows is opinion only provided for your consideration, and has to do with plot. I think you should be following Phoebe's POV, and the story should center on her.<br /><br />I think it's a mistake to reveal Duane as a vampire. Drop subtle clues. Make the reader wonder why a dying girl is trying to start a relationship with someone she has nothing in common with, and who has little interest in her. Make the revelation a few chapters in (or even later). She should have to work for it.<br /><br />Others have pointed out that HIV is no longer a death sentence. CF and Huntington's are. Consider changing her illness. Maybe start by introducing Phoebe going through her drug regime. It's a hint to us that she's not well, and it lets the reader know what the stakess are. Show us she's funny and plucky, make us like her. When people ask if she's bitter about dying so young, have her insist she doesn't plan on dying. Then show her stalking the bar tender and make us wonder why.<br /><br />Again just ideas.<br /><br />Good luck.Cravenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00430626765231636800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63721301304989638772009-04-29T17:11:00.000-04:002009-04-29T17:11:00.000-04:00I found myself tightening this as I read along, wh...I found myself tightening this as I read along, which isn't something one wants, but the good news is most of it is purely mechnical, easy, checklist stuff like killing the passive voice and exchaning a few terms for less-stilted ones, and at the end I enjoyed the short exchange where she confides her reasons.<br /><br />Has potential, but you'll want to take aim a hard eye toward anything extraneous.AmethystGreyehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02557688110602602130noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10088740988472762832009-04-28T22:42:00.000-04:002009-04-28T22:42:00.000-04:00Hmmm, I'm having trouble deciding if I like this a...Hmmm, I'm having trouble deciding if I like this a little or more than that. It has some appeal, the aids, who's really the prey (I think that's what I like most), but the overuse of dashes distracted me. For example, "She pulled a small, round object out of her purse – a pocket mirror." I'd just say "She pulled a pocket mirror out of her purse." Simple and to the point.<br /><br />Also, why does he object to her wanting to become a vampire? I don't read this genre so perhaps I just don't understand.<br /><br />I'm confused with the sections below. Did he know where she was or not? Or did he know she was still there but just not where? Is this even necessary?<br />He turned away from her, and did not see her settle down in the far corner of the room.<br /><br />Phoebe waited until the last patron had stumbled drunkenly from the bar; she approached as he was locking up. “I know you're there,” he said without looking away from the register.<br /><br /><br />My other significant point is why would she give away her one bargaining chip when she tells him why she wants to be turned? She had something on him but now that seems to be negated by what he holds over her.<br /><br />Overall I liked the style of this and would keep reading a bit more to see where it went. Good luck!<br /><br /><br /><br />"His heart skipped a beat, without fail." That doesn't make sense to me.Susannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16681784522182360769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6043560662617906112009-04-28T17:46:00.000-04:002009-04-28T17:46:00.000-04:00Aethry- to answer your question- yes, I had that t...Aethry- to answer your question- yes, I had that thought just a small wondering of hmmm, will these two get together? <br /><br />I think that's a good reaction whether they do or not. It meant I cared enough to wonder. But its very early in the story, so it's not like I expected it.<br /><br />Another thought I had was- hmm, is it bad for vampires to feed off HIV humans (since he said he'd fed off her already).sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3441620874670385882009-04-28T15:31:00.000-04:002009-04-28T15:31:00.000-04:00Thanks a bunch for critiquing; it's just the kick ...Thanks a bunch for critiquing; it's just the kick in the pants I needed to keep going!<br /><br />Just a thought: Is there some sort of preconception that this is Paranormal Romance? At this point, I don't plan on having the two ever get together.<br /><br />~AethyrAethyrnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80503732914181727852009-04-28T14:14:00.000-04:002009-04-28T14:14:00.000-04:00Trust me when I say I am your target audience for ...Trust me when I say I am your target audience for this. I would very much like to read more and I would like to know more about Duane. What does he look like? What is he wearing. The sooner I get the movie in my head, the sooner I can’t put it down.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08049539691005734933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55171802679442350302009-04-28T13:58:00.000-04:002009-04-28T13:58:00.000-04:00Writing: nothing snagged me or tripped me up.
Prem...Writing: nothing snagged me or tripped me up.<br />Premise: Before I comment, I enjoy urban fantasy, but stay away from the vamps. The 'turn me because I'm going to die' intrigued me, but again i don't know how common that take is in the vamp-genre. <br />Pacing: I felt it began with the "Turn me" line. Up to that point, I was drifting and not tied to the characters.<br />Dialog and Voice: Was one of your stronger sections.<br /><br />Great points: vamp's humor, intrigue in the last line would make me turn the page <br /><br />Bottom line, when the two were sparring in their dialog, I liked it a lot. The rest didn't cause me difficulty; it just didn't grab at me. Your last setup tension though would have made me go to the next page though!<br /><br />This is my first 1000 to crit, but overall i enjoyed it. thank you for sharing.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16378022221964553484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-16091801508604416272009-04-28T13:32:00.000-04:002009-04-28T13:32:00.000-04:00The omniPOV is confusing. My suggestion: go with ...The omniPOV is confusing. My suggestion: go with one perspective, or, use two perspectives, but separate them into clearly identifiable sections - this is the procedure I use in my writing.<br /><br />I love, love, love the very last sentence. <br /><br />Some thoughts about her HIV status: when does the novel take place? Most people with HIV live very long lives due to the current drug regimens. If the story is taking place 'today', then why isn't she on a regimen? Can she not afford one? Do you explain this fairly early in the novel? Does HIV, in some way, affect vampires? Does it compromise the vampire somehow? <br /><br />The last sentence alone intrigues me.Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06905515473737579937noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34352762541793410502009-04-28T12:57:00.000-04:002009-04-28T12:57:00.000-04:00I'm not sure I'm buying a vampire who's threatened...I'm not sure I'm buying a vampire who's threatened by a compact mirror. Although this is an interesting start, I'm afraid it sounds quite familiar...the themes of 'turn me,' 'vampire hiding among humans,' etc. Also, HIV is not the death-sentence it once was, so I'd want to know if Phoebe was sick (AIDS), or unable to take the medications to prevent the onset of AIDS, etc. Then again, if you don't want to die, regardless of the reason, then vampirism would be the way to go. Thanks for sharing this!PCBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20358503314033409212009-04-28T12:31:00.000-04:002009-04-28T12:31:00.000-04:00Okay, let me start by saying I am immediately intr...Okay, let me start by saying I am immediately intrigued and dying to read more. This is GOOD. And the premise is seriously interesting, and I want to read more. You hooked me.<br /><br />I think the problem that others are having with the writing is the same as I am having... it's a lot of pronouns and getting kind of confusing from one person to another.<br /><br />For example:<br />“Sure – but make it quick. I've got a job to do, after all.” His smile did not falter, though the set of her jaw did not bode well.<br />I had to read this a couple of times and make sure I had assigned the different feelings to each of the characters. <br /><br />I think the issue might even be with each of them finding their own voice, and the heavy use of pronouns before thoroughly establishing them as characters.<br /><br />Please don't misunderstand me though... I am hooked and would still read more, so the faults I find are small!~Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08872228115110257474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35386727130053402742009-04-28T12:03:00.000-04:002009-04-28T12:03:00.000-04:00I had a little trouble staying connected to the ch...I had a little trouble staying connected to the characters. I felt distant from them both. Maybe I'm just not a fan of a distant POV? I would vote for getting much more into Duane's head.<br /><br />The HIV thing did interest me. I would be interested to find out how that plays out. I've read a few vampire books but not enough to know if it's already been done.Liz T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11756311579262449791noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81098135458040138772009-04-28T11:35:00.000-04:002009-04-28T11:35:00.000-04:00I like that opening gave us some sense of the vamp...I like that opening gave us some sense of the vampire- he prided himself on thoroughly researching his prey- but I think you need to be careful about the setting. I imagine agents have seen a lot of "girl, vampire, and bar " openings. Maybe she calls him in to fix her computer instead?<br /><br />POV: I think the omni-view can work well here. It can be a good device when there are super-natural, paranormal or aliens involved, but it's not used a lot these days so some people may find it distracting.<br /><br />As far as the flow of the story:<br />On first read, I though we jumped ahead in time halfway through the piece. The first paragraph does say that Phoebe was the vamp's prey, but only on the second read did I figure out that he'd already been feeding on her.<br /><br />Overall, I liked the writing.<br /><br />Hope this helps.Deb Snoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63467940723076306032009-04-28T11:23:00.000-04:002009-04-28T11:23:00.000-04:00I have not read any vampire novels except the firs...I have not read any vampire novels except the first 3 of the Twilight series (don't plan on reading the last one.) I have just begun Bram Stoker's Dracula. So from that perspective, I actually chuckled at the line about vampire romance and was intrigued by the HIV bit. <br /><br />Aside from all that- the writing was very clear. I got everything even without the italics. I was interested in both of these characters. I saw them, the setting, all of it very clearly. I liked it. <br /><br />(I actually find unvoiced thoughts in italics to be a bit annoying. Its not in first person so just write what she's thinking- you are the all knowing narrator. It really only makes sense to me when a character is mind speaking like the dragon in Eragon. But that's just my opinion.)sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3516072090108170212009-04-28T10:51:00.000-04:002009-04-28T10:51:00.000-04:00I don't read vampire novels of any kind (can't sta...I don't read vampire novels of any kind (can't stand them) so I don't know if you have a "been there done that" kind of book...although all books have been there done that....but I digress. I think you have a good story going...the opening is a bit clunky but could be tightened. Overall, this is good.Terri Molinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10684929235647584445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56521697796493712632009-04-28T10:35:00.000-04:002009-04-28T10:35:00.000-04:00Dear Aethyr,
Sorry about the formatting troubles....Dear Aethyr,<br /><br />Sorry about the formatting troubles. I don't think it read much differently though; I don't see too many direct thoughts and I didn't get confused.<br /><br />Phoebe seems like my kind of girl--strong willed and focused. I think she could be interesting. Duane is not reavealed here much. I had some POV issues with this--I wasn't sure if you were going for an omni POV, or if you were just going for a close third person. Either way, there are some abrupt POV switches that leave me feeling as if I'm head-hopping, so either your omni needs smoothing, or you have to pick a POV and stick to it for the scene.<br /><br />I also think you should be aware that there are a lot of well used elements crammed into just a 1000 words here. Vampires are very popular right now; so are women who want them to turn them. And frankly the HIV thing--well, it's not original at all. I think if you know your book has elements of the 'vampire romance' it won't save it to point that out in the opening. Trying to do something different with the elements will. I'm just not sure the opening you have here will set you apart from other vampire novels, romance or not.<br /><br />There's very little in the way of setting here. You use only your sense of sight, and describe almost nothing. Worse, you have Duane showing of his teeth and strength in what I assume is a crowded bar. Phoebe doesn't need to out him--he'll do that himself if he continues.<br /><br />I was also confused as to whether you shifted timelines between the first and second scenes. I think you did because you mention eight months. However, the way you ended the first and began the second doesn't prepare the reader for such a great timeshift, and it literally left me spinning. You'll have to find a way to properly end the first part, and a way to clue the reader into the timeshift immediately if you want to keep readers from jumping ship.<br /><br />Overall, you could do worse than write and urban fantasy about vampires. Those sell. But what you have to work on most for me is eliminating the cliches, settling on a POV approach and giving me something in a scene besides pretty typical dialogue. Your story could have stood out a lot more if you'd decided to either stick with Duane's heightened senses, or Phoebe's pain-wracked existence. Let the character's inform the piece more; focus less on action and more on development and you might have something here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31730219594514493742009-04-28T09:14:00.000-04:002009-04-28T09:14:00.000-04:00It seems that all the italics have been lost in tr...It seems that all the italics have been lost in transit. (I use italics for unvoiced thoughts.) There might be other formatting issues, too. <br /><br />Thank you for critiquing.<br /><br />~Aethyr, Author #12Aethyrnoreply@blogger.com