tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8219635880561423228..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: 10 Secret AgentAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-11016300412283908122009-07-17T13:33:37.424-04:002009-07-17T13:33:37.424-04:00You hooked me.
Not a great opening (perhaps start...You hooked me.<br /><br />Not a great opening (perhaps start with her staring off the roof, contemplating suicide, then go into the details of the first paragraph) but it was intriguing.<br /><br />I want to know why she almost died but didn't. I want to know who Marlo is and what the heck is going on. I'd definitely read more.Barbnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9259967112147076602009-07-16T17:43:50.699-04:002009-07-16T17:43:50.699-04:00The first paragraph kind of threw me off, but I li...The first paragraph kind of threw me off, but I liked it after that, and would st least read a few more pages.Sarah Erberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15364100717989701019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63950270948319021582009-07-16T14:49:22.726-04:002009-07-16T14:49:22.726-04:00I like the idea of someone saying all sorts of thi...I like the idea of someone saying all sorts of things thinking they will die and then having to live it down when the don't, but I agree that the first line is similar to lots of other first lines in other books. <br /><br />I do want to know who Marlo is and why he is dead and our main character isn't, but the writing here doesn't quite sparkle just yet and I suspect that unless the synopsis was amazing I would stop reading here.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31299590373948243422009-07-16T00:21:53.087-04:002009-07-16T00:21:53.087-04:00I'm hooked. I want to know why she thought she...I'm hooked. I want to know why she thought she'd die and didn't (because of Marlo?), who Marlo is and what he did, and who she is and why footage of her is playing on the JumboTron. <br /><br />Though the guy at the end made me wonder. If he's trying to stop her from jumping why would he push her towards the edge?Jadanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82290041650475098072009-07-15T23:30:08.786-04:002009-07-15T23:30:08.786-04:00There are parts of this that hook me, but parts th...There are parts of this that hook me, but parts that make me want to stop. <br /><br />Your first paragraph suggested that the MC was already dead. But the second paragraph has her committing suicide? Is this her second attempt at death? Or was the first paragraph just some hint of what's to come? I'd ditch the first paragraph completely and start with the suicide.<br /><br />What did hook me is your juxtaposition of a criminal and your MC, and how the MC's suicide attempt is becoming headline news. I definitely wanted to know more when I read this paragraph. Talk about drama! <br /><br />That said, if she's on the JumboTron, then she's been on that roof more than long enough for the old man to realize what's going on. Why is he approaching her now? What haven't the police sectioned off the area? Why aren't they up there trying to talk her down instead of the old man? I believe that's procedure (though I am speaking from a TV perspective, so I don't 100% know the timeline of a suicide intervention). But again...she's on the JumboTron so don't the authorities know? And why is the old man yanking her toward the edge? Yanking indicates he's pulling the MC toward him, meaning he'd have to be closer to the edge than her! And yet he's trying to push her back inside? I'm a bit confused. <br /><br />If you could set the scene a little better, describe the cops or how she got on the JumboTron (was it a news helicopter that spotted her?), this might make more sense. <br /><br />I'd say you have a great (and let me emphasize the great) start but you could improve it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-9099740882466375682009-07-15T23:09:27.553-04:002009-07-15T23:09:27.553-04:00I'm unclear on time passage. Has she tried to ...I'm unclear on time passage. Has she tried to die once already and is now trying again? <br /><br />Did she save someone from Marlo?<br /><br />The first 2 sentences are intriguing- the next 3 seem a little repititive. But all in all, it is an interesting premise.sbjameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06986950185596914217noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88885084742633641352009-07-15T18:02:25.048-04:002009-07-15T18:02:25.048-04:00I am really confused right now... but still intrig...I am really confused right now... but still intrigued!~Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08872228115110257474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75834136499478252382009-07-15T17:59:02.538-04:002009-07-15T17:59:02.538-04:00I was initially very intrigued with this - why did...I was initially very intrigued with this - why didn't he (and I read it as "he" until "Girl!") die? Who is Marlo (and I immediately thought of The Wire on HBO - not sure that is good or bad, but I did)? Why is he on the JumboTron? All very intriguing and I was feeling that cool-book tingle.<br /><br />But with "Hey. Girl!..." the tone and feel changed drastically and my interest got smothered. So...if I had time and was in the right kind of mood, I might turn a page and see. But I'm not sure.<br /><br />And I was wondering what kind of teen has a Will drawn up - they generally have nothing to leave to anyone - so, that threw me a bit.<br /><br />Hooked? Not yet, but if I had time and was in the right mood, I might read on a bit...<br /><br />good luck.E.M. Kokiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00453541159643901257noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-15465618749363223942009-07-15T17:27:44.837-04:002009-07-15T17:27:44.837-04:00Your first paragraph confused me, and you had a fe...Your first paragraph confused me, and you had a few errors throughout the excerpt. In terms of me being hooked, I found myself skimming, which is never a good sign. Sorry.Speech Delay Mammahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05601787057516846172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-25378415266962549962009-07-15T13:38:46.078-04:002009-07-15T13:38:46.078-04:00Agree with comment about the first sentence being ...Agree with comment about the first sentence being a cliche. I read it, heart sank, thought here we go again...and then relaised that no, she wasn't dead and got interested again.<br /><br />I'm a little confused, but intrigued.Keren Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13121027210783177857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56448754996735136112009-07-15T11:02:44.302-04:002009-07-15T11:02:44.302-04:00The first paragraph had me asking some questions, ...The first paragraph had me asking some questions, I wanted to keep reading, but the voice changed too much for me as the second paragraph starts.Windyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07684298115679477705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67726603625145191182009-07-15T10:16:41.543-04:002009-07-15T10:16:41.543-04:00Let's see...
(Present tense just doesn't ...Let's see...<br /><br />(Present tense just doesn't work for me, so I'll try to ignore that.)<br /><br />The first paragraph isn't too clear. That first line has become extremely cliche...so the fact that she WASN'T dead didn't get through to me in that next sentence like it was supposed to. My eyes were already glassed over. It took me two reads to understand what the paragraph was getting at. I'd suggest working at that more until it's a little more clear, and I'd avoid the cliched first sentence. It seems 70% of first lines say something about what it's like after your dead.<br /><br />Then, the jerk from that paragraph to the second is too great. What's the connection? If she's thinking this from her vantage point, then you need to keep us in her thoughts more. <br /><br />I'm also confused about whether we've jumped back in time to when she thought she'd die, or if that's already happened, and she's contemplating suicide again.<br /><br />Other nit-picky things:<br /><br />"My will is made." I've never heard anyone say it this way. We say our mind is made up, or the decision is made, but your will isn't something that's made...it's who you are, the force of your personality. It's kind of like saying, "My personality is made." I'd re-word that.<br /><br />I think there should be a comma after "Hey" rather than a period. Also, I think the "large, rough hand" sentence belongs with the "Hey, Girl!" sentence. That's HIS motion, not hers. Her paragraph should start with <i>"Hey!" I open my eyes.</i> (That's the punctuation that 'Hey' should have, too.) <br /><br /><i>All thick and calloused...</i> isn't a complete sentence, and it should be.<br /><br />The next paragraph needs to have a period after "Look." Not a comma. And capitalize <i>he</i> for the next sentence, of course. Commas and continuing the sentence go with the <i>said</i> type of tags. When you're using action tags to identify the speaker and describe action that goes with the words, you start a new sentence.<br /><br />Am I hooked on the idea? Personally, I'm not. I'm only slightly curious about why she thought she would die, and why the thing is playing footage of her...not enough to make me work past the questions I listed above.Kathleen MacIverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02263212018219137277noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85003484402076107792009-07-15T10:02:22.639-04:002009-07-15T10:02:22.639-04:00Yes-ish. I like this, but thought I'd mention ...Yes-ish. I like this, but thought I'd mention I didn't feel any urgency and thought there might be a little towards the end.<br /><br />Like, I can see her zoning out while she's contemplating suicide and feels she's in control. She'll go down when she's ready to go down.<br /><br />When the guy grabs her, that might be enough to break up her concentration and freak her out about falling before she's mentally ready. <br /><br />It's like somebody sneaking up and grabbing you while you're zenning-the-moment at the top of a high jump (pool).Cate Kariaxihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812494549402252779noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43792742231668905542009-07-15T09:42:08.229-04:002009-07-15T09:42:08.229-04:00hmm.. I'd read more! At first I thought it was...hmm.. I'd read more! At first I thought it was adult and I had to look at the genre again- and then it surprised me it was a girl. so i wonder if the voice is a little off, but I'd defintiely keep reading! hope that helps!bookwormnoreply@blogger.com