tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post8245946291620659467..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Session Three #14Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50646508479388368432010-11-03T21:27:07.172-04:002010-11-03T21:27:07.172-04:00I don't have much to add except I think the fi...I don't have much to add except I think the first sentence needs work. The second sentence "butch" isn't pc. Aggressive, tom-boyish, no-noncense could work. Is she a lesbian? He may not know. <br /><br />A totally different type of love story.Michael Di Gesuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17047267262428143113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88458959295758040482010-11-03T18:54:47.421-04:002010-11-03T18:54:47.421-04:00I think you need to clarify what a 'sub' i...I think you need to clarify what a 'sub' is. After the mention of the basketball coach I'm guessing you mean a substitute teacher (as opposed to a subcontractor for example). If that's the case, I'd leave off the mention of him as a programmer as it has the potential to be confusing and left me wondering why he needs to spend a year as a sub when he already has a job.<br /><br />The second sentence is good and gives us a clear idea of what the story will be about.Bronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13029635239132926178noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87181517283747746892010-11-03T18:53:10.008-04:002010-11-03T18:53:10.008-04:00Tough to sell a guy as a romantic hero if he's...Tough to sell a guy as a romantic hero if he's afraid to leave his father. Too weak, too passive. That's the most urgent fix here.<br /><br />Good luck!texcathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13786837534400621891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58771999437771161602010-11-03T16:27:15.730-04:002010-11-03T16:27:15.730-04:00Sam Cook was a famous R&B singer. You mihgt wa...Sam Cook was a famous R&B singer. You mihgt want to consider a change. Cassamajor, tells me you have fun with names as I do. (Major (on his) case, right?)<br /><br />These guys struggling and forced to live with parents is an attractive theme and certainly something the heroine would work on. I-don-know, is tomboy exceptable these days?<br /><br /><br />I'd read on.RW Richardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08473786472219141232noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89945146837592072312010-11-03T15:20:18.962-04:002010-11-03T15:20:18.962-04:00I wouldn't use disabled, because that could me...I wouldn't use disabled, because that could mean a lot of things. Perhaps say exactly what it is that's made him crippled. Is he a paraplegic, Polio victim?<br /><br />You might also substitute courage for strength and that would let the reader know his fear is preventing him from leaving as opposed to not being able to support himself.<br /><br />And I agree with Holly about the missing connection between the first sentence and the second. Does Greta help him find his courage?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-53212194901453739492010-11-03T15:11:49.150-04:002010-11-03T15:11:49.150-04:00unless you have someone say these words in dialoug...unless you have someone say these words in dialouge to show what kind of person he/she is, i would avoid using them. it's off-putting to most, when i don't think that's what you're trying to do. disabled would be a better word, and maybe gruff instead of butch.<br />but it definitely sounds like a different type of romance, so you've got that angle down.<br />i'd read it out of curiousity.angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64675704448835980492010-11-03T15:08:37.767-04:002010-11-03T15:08:37.767-04:00I don't understand the conflict here. If he...I don't understand the conflict here. If he's old enough to have a job, why hasn't he left his father before? "Strength" isn't really the type of thing that stops a person from something like this. You need to be specific. Does he need money? This is the only thing I can think of that connects the job with the result (leaving).<br /><br />We don't need Greta's full name or adjectives. Also, this part of the logline isn't connected to the beginning. How is meeting Greta going to help him leave his father?Holly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33232912580563461102010-11-03T14:58:46.553-04:002010-11-03T14:58:46.553-04:00I agree, a few words are off-putting, but I felt s...I agree, a few words are off-putting, but I felt sorry for this guy. The "sub" made me pause too, and figured sub-teacher?rheanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-85411761102687581762010-11-03T14:22:56.438-04:002010-11-03T14:22:56.438-04:00I'm assuming "long-term sub" means l...I'm assuming "long-term sub" means long-term substitute teacher, especially once I read about the coach, but it could use clarification for sure. And being the mom of a child with Down syndrome, I agree with "crippled" and "butch"--very evocative, but definitely off-putting (like the "R" word applied to kids like my daughter). Unless that's the voice of the story. But even then, I'm not convinced it's the best choice.Kathleenhttp://www.kathleenbasi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-90613866305723483002010-11-03T14:18:38.319-04:002010-11-03T14:18:38.319-04:00I would substitute disabled for crippled, and I...I would substitute disabled for crippled, and I'm not sure what "butch" has to do with anything ... other than being a stereotype.<br /><br />I think you could make his conflict clearer. I understand that he wants to be independent, but how will working for one year do that? After the year is up, won't he be without a job again? And sorry, I'm also not sure what "survival isn't enough--not when it comes to love" is supposed to mean.Linda Cassidy Lewishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17105748665483726537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-45090186964327555562010-11-03T12:30:24.414-04:002010-11-03T12:30:24.414-04:00Hasn't "crippled" become a bit derog...Hasn't "crippled" become a bit derogatory? You might want a different word in there. I thought he was a sub in a programming company, but school sub makes more sense. Why did he get the job if he's reclusive?Amanda Sunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12546843210439988407noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42678044670021228322010-11-03T11:50:10.619-04:002010-11-03T11:50:10.619-04:00Yeah, I don't know what a long term sub is and...Yeah, I don't know what a long term sub is and I thought "butch" was unnecessary. What does that have to do with anything? And I don't really get what "survival isn't enough--not when it comes to love" is supposed to mean. It just makes me confused, not interested.Leah Petersenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17668989627100455974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7221264666636290372010-11-03T11:18:53.371-04:002010-11-03T11:18:53.371-04:00What is a long term sub? without that, don't ...What is a long term sub? without that, don't understand what is going on.Walterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13828924901372990187noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2982875949806671942010-11-03T11:07:55.525-04:002010-11-03T11:07:55.525-04:00'Crippled' strikes me as an old-fashioned ...'Crippled' strikes me as an old-fashioned and unattractive word - can you think of something else. 'Butch' is also a bit off-putting. Not sure what you mean by sub, but am guessing substitute teacher. Anyway, it needs something more to make me want to read about a romance between two awkward types.Keren Davidhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13121027210783177857noreply@blogger.com